I am on one of those roller coasters that life so often shoves us onto. One minute I am hopeful about what the future holds and the next I am tired and grouchy and impatient. Every day is one day closer to my girls starting school, and I am so stressed about the prospect of them having to start school here and then move after a few weeks or months. I really want God to have a microwave solution for all of our confusion, a quick fix, but it seems He has something cooking in the crock-pot for us.
I am confused about life. I want to see the good that is around me, all the things that I should be thankful for, but I am so bogged down by what is not going so great that it is blinding. I trust God to take care of us and show us what is next but it would really help me if I could take a step in that direction or even know what direction that is.
Everyone hates waiting rooms. They are so boring and unproductive, honestly a waste of time. If we could just walk into the doctor's office for an appointment and get seen right then, with out the hour of thumbing thru magazines, that would be ideal. It is so frustrating to be in the waiting room when all you want to do is figure out what God wants you to do and do it. If He is the one that is in charge of everything (which I am convinced he is) and He is the one that placed these desires in our heart (which I am again convinced that he is) then why would He leave us hanging.
Maybe I am being dramatic, but I feel like I am wasting these days. I cannot accept that God wants me to long for 5:30 when I get off work or love the weekend any more than the week. I have begged God to help me be content with where I am and how I am spending my days, but I am NOT content. And I really feel like that is because this is not what I am suppose to be doing. So we try to seek out what it is that I AM suppose to be doing just to find our selves weary for change with none in site. Don't get me wrong there is nothing terrible about my life, my kids are healthy and happy, we have a roof over our head and food to eat, and we have loads of great Christ centered friends who love us. But there is more to life and being fulfilled than just having what you need and even what you want, God made us to be doing something and even if He is the one testing us or teaching us through the waiting, we have a longing inside us to do what we are made to do.
I don't know how people who are just living life with no direction or passion go on; how they get up every morning to go to a job they hate, with no higher purpose for it. I can understand how people would just run away from life and disappear or do something even more drastic. If I didn't know about God's promises to establish the work of my hand, or His covenant with me that ensures He is always with me even when I can't feel Him, my life would be so pointless and empty and tragic. It really shouldn't be surprising that people cannot stand up under the pressures of life, work, family, marriage and everything else. We were not meant to carry all that on our own, God knows that it is burdensome and that is why He wants to carry it for us and give us a passion that makes it all worth it.
I say all that to say that I know in my heart that God has a church for us to serve in (even if that doesn't last long either) and that His timing and His ways are not like mine so I need to wait on the Lord. I need to stop listen to the inner pessimist that must be the devil discouraging me, telling me that God has hung us out to dry and forgotten about us. Instead I should trust God and when we get our next assignment we will appreciate it that much more, having had to wait for it Please pray for me to be more patient and more positive.
