Before the half marathon my sister in law and I were standing there being nervous, waiting near the starting line, when she asked me to pray for us, so I did. But I couldn't ask God for a fast time or even to help us run the whole way, that just seemed too trivial and selfish to ask, so instead I asked Him to teach us something and to be glorified through us. So when the miles got long and I was getting tired I tried to just think on that and continue to ask God to show me something along the way. Two ish miles from the finish line, I was all alone with no other runners anywhere near me, running along the river bank, when I saw a few little birds near the path. They were hopping along doing what birds do when I noticed that one of the birds was a little crooked. She was missing a leg. She had one good leg and a little nub on the other side. My first thought was "How sad.... Poor little bird something tragic must have happen to her! And she obviously has such a hard time keeping up with her friends." She couldn't hop as fast as the other birds and it just struck me as such a misfortune for her.
Then I felt God press on my heart a little.... We are like that little bird. We all have things in our past that have hurt us and scarred us and that threaten to disable us a little (or A LOT). We have trust issues or low self esteem or confused ideas about how love looks or big mistakes that we have made (and sometimes are continuing to make). We have hurts caused by those who should have loved us best or a chip on our shoulder because they didn't believe in us or any number of other deep wounds that have changed us in not good ways. Doubts get the best of us and we are scared to try hard things because we don't know if we are strong enough. We really just don't know if we are enough in any area. We are all limping along in one way or another. We may hate to admit it but life is hard and people aren't always nice and we have all felt the effects of that. Most of us still feel the effects of that. We are limping through life with just one good leg. We may even feel like we can't keep up with all the things life requires of us. And what's worse, we probably secretly compare ourselves to everyone else around us and feel like we can't measure up! But that's not the whole story for that little damaged bird and it's not the whole story for us either.
As I approached the birds they saw me coming and did what birds do.... they flew away. All of them. Even the little legless girl, she took off just as fast and high as the rest of her friends. That nub of a leg had no effect on her flying skills. And I instantly thought "Oo my goodness, I'm so glad that she is a bird, it's a very good thing she has wings!" Her legs were not as important to her as I had first thought when I noticed her. She was still more than able to do what she was made to do. She took off and I quickly could not even tell which one was the hurt bird, she looked perfect in the sky where she belonged, no different than any of the others.
Then God pressed in on my heart a little harder..... We are like that little bird. We all have scars and wounds and things that may never heal just right BUT we, just like that little bird, are meant to fly, not hop along on the ground. Those things that have happened to us or that we chose in our yesterdays do not have to define us, because as God's children we are able to rise above the past and be who we are made to be. This is a broken and messed up world we live in and there is no avoiding heart ache, pain, scars, confusion or mistreatment. Apart from God we would be forced to hop around trying to survive in our broken state. But praise God, sweet friend, that is not the case!! God not only wants to heal us, He wants to redeem us! Psalms 103:2-5 says, "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." We are meant to fly and God wants to be our wings. And once we are flying with Him those broken things about us won't be so obvious and heavy anymore. We will be able to accomplish what we were made to do even with all the junk the world throws at us. We may never be without scars but we can fulfill our callings well.
So please, please don't hop around on the ground, limping from all the pain and scars of your past anymore! Surrender to the one who made you and let Him teach you how to fly! Life will still be hard and people will still fall short of nice on a regular basis and you are sure to suffer more pain and scars along the way, but through the strength of your Creator you can handle it. You were made to fly after all!
The family!
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Crossing the Finish Line
So I ran my first half marathon!! I never really realized how far 13 miles was until I tried to run the entire way. 13 miles sounded kinda far but it is actually VERY far haha!! Anyway, I wanted to share something that I learned from crossing the finish line after running all that way. That one step that I took from one side of the finish line to the other was not all that fulfilling. I mean don't get me wrong I was EXTREMELY glad to be finished and I was happy with all the congratulating comments I got afterward but that one step was not the most important step. The 20,000+ steps that brought me there that morning were much more meaningful and honestly more hard fought.
Saturday morning we woke up at 5:15 to get dressed and eat breakfast (I learned from experience that this is an absolute must on long run days- see my blog post "Running on Fumes"). It was already raining and had been for days, but since there was no lightening the race officials determined that the race would still take place. We headed to Baylor where the race would start, about an hour before go time, while it was still pitch black dark outside. I was getting very nervous by this time and so hoping that I would not embarrass myself. I just really, really wanted to finish, better yet to finish by running the entire way. We got out to where the race would start and there were sooooo many people! Thousands of them warming up, trying to stay dry, stretching and waiting around. Some of them looked very fit and had all the professional running gear on, some did not, some were very young and some were pretty old. But we were all there for the same reason, to torture ourselves haha. As we lined up to start, there were so many people and we were so far back in the herd that I couldn't even see the starting line. Then when the gun went off we had to take our first few steps at a walk as we waited on those in front of us to move toward where the race actually started. Within a couple minutes we were running and taking our first of many steps that day. The beginning was easy, the ground was flat and there were lots of people cheering and encouraging us. Those steps were not hard and the first few miles passed quickly. Then things got harder because the road went into a huge park that had many hills up and down. Quickly my steps became very labored, I wasn't just running anymore I was climbing up some pretty steep roads, but I was determined to keep running even if my running was the pace of a turtle and I felt like I was crawling. This went on for several miles, maybe 6, but I'm not even sure really. Going up the hills was killer on my legs but the steps going down the hills started to be killer on my feet as they were slapping down on the asphalt while I tried to use gravity but not literally roll all the way to the bottom. There were many places in this stretch where there were no spectators, no encouragers, no cheering, just me quietly taking steps toward the finish line that didn't seem to be getting me any closer. Those steps were hard fought, I could have easily quit. I could have quit and no one would have even known. Eventually the path slowly lead out of the park and back into the neighborhoods which was much more level again, but my steps did not seem to get any easier. As I passed the 10 mile marker every step I took was the farthest I have ever run in my entire life. For me those last 3 miles were the hardest mentally. I wasn't sure I could do it. I was tired and everything hurt. There were no friendly faces telling me I could do this and finish well. I was debating in my head as to why I had even agreed with this to start with and why it would matter if I didn't finish. Those were very hard steps. They were hard fought and each one was a battle. Then I came around a little curve in the sidewalk and I could see the bridge over to the finish line. I felt my pace pick up a little and I told myself that if I had come that far surely I could finish this last half mile. And I did. I wasn't pretty or fast or glamorous, but I finished and I had to fight back tears as I crossed the finish line. Had the course been easy and the distance short that last step would not have meant near as much to me. I was moved to emotion because I knew how long and hard the race had been for me and no one could know that but me. Many, many of the steps I took that morning were difficult and my body is definitely still feeling the toll those steps took on me. Not to mention all the countless steps that I took working up to race day.
Saturday morning we woke up at 5:15 to get dressed and eat breakfast (I learned from experience that this is an absolute must on long run days- see my blog post "Running on Fumes"). It was already raining and had been for days, but since there was no lightening the race officials determined that the race would still take place. We headed to Baylor where the race would start, about an hour before go time, while it was still pitch black dark outside. I was getting very nervous by this time and so hoping that I would not embarrass myself. I just really, really wanted to finish, better yet to finish by running the entire way. We got out to where the race would start and there were sooooo many people! Thousands of them warming up, trying to stay dry, stretching and waiting around. Some of them looked very fit and had all the professional running gear on, some did not, some were very young and some were pretty old. But we were all there for the same reason, to torture ourselves haha. As we lined up to start, there were so many people and we were so far back in the herd that I couldn't even see the starting line. Then when the gun went off we had to take our first few steps at a walk as we waited on those in front of us to move toward where the race actually started. Within a couple minutes we were running and taking our first of many steps that day. The beginning was easy, the ground was flat and there were lots of people cheering and encouraging us. Those steps were not hard and the first few miles passed quickly. Then things got harder because the road went into a huge park that had many hills up and down. Quickly my steps became very labored, I wasn't just running anymore I was climbing up some pretty steep roads, but I was determined to keep running even if my running was the pace of a turtle and I felt like I was crawling. This went on for several miles, maybe 6, but I'm not even sure really. Going up the hills was killer on my legs but the steps going down the hills started to be killer on my feet as they were slapping down on the asphalt while I tried to use gravity but not literally roll all the way to the bottom. There were many places in this stretch where there were no spectators, no encouragers, no cheering, just me quietly taking steps toward the finish line that didn't seem to be getting me any closer. Those steps were hard fought, I could have easily quit. I could have quit and no one would have even known. Eventually the path slowly lead out of the park and back into the neighborhoods which was much more level again, but my steps did not seem to get any easier. As I passed the 10 mile marker every step I took was the farthest I have ever run in my entire life. For me those last 3 miles were the hardest mentally. I wasn't sure I could do it. I was tired and everything hurt. There were no friendly faces telling me I could do this and finish well. I was debating in my head as to why I had even agreed with this to start with and why it would matter if I didn't finish. Those were very hard steps. They were hard fought and each one was a battle. Then I came around a little curve in the sidewalk and I could see the bridge over to the finish line. I felt my pace pick up a little and I told myself that if I had come that far surely I could finish this last half mile. And I did. I wasn't pretty or fast or glamorous, but I finished and I had to fight back tears as I crossed the finish line. Had the course been easy and the distance short that last step would not have meant near as much to me. I was moved to emotion because I knew how long and hard the race had been for me and no one could know that but me. Many, many of the steps I took that morning were difficult and my body is definitely still feeling the toll those steps took on me. Not to mention all the countless steps that I took working up to race day.
A few months ago my sister in law asked me if I wanted to do a half marathon with her and since I am not that smart and I really do love a challenge I quickly told her I would. I was a runner in high school and had recently started running again, with in the last year. I enjoy the quiet of a run, the time to clear my mind and release some stress while enjoying the endorphins that sweating like that provides. By the time I was challenged to do a half marathon I had ran a couple of 5k races and enjoyed doing them, so I didn't think twice about running a longer race. I did not stop to consider just how much longer it would be, the jump from 3 miles to 13 is HUGE!! So I downloaded a half marathon training app, got an armband for my phone and bought some new running shoes and hit the track. This new phase of running started in November and each week I slowly increased the length of my runs on the weekends while trying to run at least a couple of times during the week. I am very competitive so I tried very hard to push myself to get faster and to go further. There were many steps in there that I honestly did not want to take, I wanted to stay home and be lazy, especially after school days, but I was always glad I went after I finished running for the day. Then in mid December I got sick and very busy and skipped a few weeks of training. That slowed me down and made the following weeks harder. Then I strained something in my foot and had to rest that for a few days. The steps after that hurt and if my half marathon spot hadn't already been paid for I would have quite possibly quit at that point, but I kept going because I knew I had to. Then the new year brought so many cold, wet days that some weeks did not allow for me to take very many steps at all. I was frustrated and worried since I wanted to finish the race and knew I would have to train hard to get there. Then just a month before my race I tried to run the longest distance of my life and it was a disaster and proved to be some impossible steps for me that day (once again read my "Running on Fumes" post). I was able to get one double digit run in before race day but that was still 3 miles worth of steps short of the half marathon. All of those miles together equalled 100,000 steps easy, steps on good days and bad days. Steps on warm days and cold days. Hard steps and easy steps. The process of training to get to the finish line was where the real work happened and its the only thing that made that last step meaningful at all. As I crossed that line, looking rough and tired and hurting all over, I was fighting tears because I knew how far I had really come and I how hard all those steps prior to that had been. The process strengthened me and built my confidence and taught me that I was stronger than I thought I ever could be. Without that long process that last step would not have meant anything.
I am convinced that this is true for life too. The majority of life is the process. We have a few finish line days, like graduation, new jobs, promotions, or any day that we seem to have accomplished a major feat. But the only thing that makes those moments meaningful is knowing the process it took to get there. The harder the road was leading to that big day the more of an accomplishment getting there will be. This goes even further into our spiritual lives. Those big "God days" when we feel like God is extra close or we really see Him move, those are the finish line kind of days. Those are just one step among many steps and the process is really so important in getting there. The spiritual process can often feel like a marathon. Its very very long, it has highs and lows, sometimes there are encouragers and sometimes you feel all alone. Sometimes you wanna give up and honestly wonder if it would matter if you did. But please hear me sweet friend, what you do day by day when you seem to just be trudging along matters. Even if no one knows what you're doing it matters. Even if you really don't feel like you are accomplishing much it matters. Those are the steps in the process that make those big God days even possible. None of us will ever be able to cross the finish line if we don't start out by stepping in that direction. Hang in there, please!!
One more thing I learned: Crossing the finish line on my first half marathon was really just part of the process for me anyway. It made me want to work harder and try again and finish faster. Even that last step is just a middle step in reality. The people around you need you to keep getting in the Word and praying and seeking. They need you to keep loving and giving and serving. They need you to keep moving forward and letting God change you from the inside out. And the truth is we will never really cross the finish line this side of Heaven, so just embrace the process that is slowly shaping you into who God intends you to be and keep putting one foot in front of the other toward knowing God better and loving others with everything He gives you!! By all means enjoy those days when you get to cross the finish line and let them propel you forward to do even more than you ever thought you were capable of. But just try to cherish the training days, the long hard days that seem endless and pointless, because that is where the real work on your soul is done! Keep running!
Monday, March 9, 2015
I. Want. More.
This is not what you think....this is a personal post about what God has been chiseling away at in me for the last year or so.... I think it actually started years ago, maybe even when I felt my call to ministry but I was so young in my faith then and had so little experience with anything that I didn't even know what I was getting myself into (good thing I didn't or I would have tucked tail and ran the other way) much less what all that stirring of the Spirit to "something more" even meant. So lets start there.
When I was about 16ish I "accepted Jesus" or more appropriately described- Jesus confronted me in my desperate need for Him and I grabbed hold for dear life. After that, I would read large chunks of the Bible (most of which I had no idea what meant) because I have always been starving for information and knowledge. Good thing I am not a cat or my curiosity would have used up all nine of my lives before I even reached adulthood. Anyway, I wanted to know everything and I had so many questions but alarmingly few people to answer them, and the people who seemed like they should have the answers were confusingly not like the words I was reading in the Bible. This was perplexing to me to say the least. It seemed like some one, anyone, should know more or do more or I don't know... just more. Fast forward a couple years and by a strange sequence of events I found myself at a small Baptist University. I loved learning about the Bible from people who seemed like Christian giants to me and I was so encouraged to know that there were so many people there who were willing to follow God with their lives. It was during this time that I was home one Sunday morning at my church, and during the invitation at the end the preacher said the standard "If you wants to accept Jesus come forward now" spill that I had already heard enough times to memorize. Then he went on to say that if anyone felt like God was calling them to any type of ministry that he would love to talk to them too. That's when my feet took over and marched me right down that isle. I literally did not even know what I was doing, but it didn't take long for me to be face to face with the preacher. He is the same pastor who baptized me so he knew I had checked-off that box and was wondering why I was there to talk to him (I was wondering the same thing). Then my mouth took the baton from my feet and raced forward. I told him that I felt like God was asking me to do more with my life (this was the start of something because in the back of my mind I knew God MUST be calling all His followers to more because the Christianity and church that I had witnessed were alarmingly weak and self centered compared to God's word). The pastor then asked me his scripted questions, "Is God calling you to missions? Or children's ministry? Or to be a pastor's wife? (please do not EVEN get me started on how much I have always hated the degree to which being a girl defines my capabilities in most people's eyes!!) All I could give him in way of an answer was, "I don't know." He questioned me some more but quickly realized I had no clue what God was calling me to apart from "more". This was the last time he asked me anything about said calling and he probably dismissed the whole thing since I did not have the answers to his questions that morning. For me however, not having answers was not a stumbling block but a starting block. (Remember that unquenchable curiosity I mentioned?) I soaked up everything I could get my hands on at school and quickly found myself in a place of ministry, with my soon-to-be husband, that I was in no way equipped for, but for some odd reason being ill-equipped did not scare me, I trusted God with my baby faith and knew that He was big enough to work in spite of me. For the next several years, I struggled through growing and teaching and figuring out how to be a Christ follower and wife and mom and youth minister's wife, all the while moving in and out of so many broken and heart breaking churches. Long story short church has been hard on me from the start and apart from God's leading being so unshakable I would have given up on the whole thing a long time ago. I just knew there was a need for "more'!
Needless to say I do NOT fit the mold for a minister's wife (can I get an amen?) and since I never had a woman disciple me, I have always felt like I was a pioneer. I am making this up as I go and trying my best to be faithful and godly in how I act and live. There have been long stretches when I did not ever spend time with God. I just couldn't figure it out and it seemed like no one could explain it to me, so I learned everything by trial and error and error and more errors. I doubted a lot, and I mean a LOT!! I doubted my calling, I doubted my abilities, I doubted if I could even hear and obey God and I even doubted my salvation (on a a regular basis)!! Somehow through everything there was always in the back of my head, a longing for more, more for me and more for the people I am ministering to. I think I occasionally tapped into the more, goodness knows I tried, but even among Christians I felt like we were swimming up stream, going against mostly everything.
So that brings us to the last year or so. Since we are in the process of planting a new church we have had the freedom to evaluate why we do what we do as a church (and hopefully as individuals) and sift things out if they don't match up with the Bible. This has been a wonderful, difficult, eye opening, exhausting process. In the midst of that God is chiseling away at me and opening my eyes to long held beliefs that I really thought were biblical. For example, "If we are obeying God, He will bless us." Right? Or, "Things will work out and fall into place if they are meant to be." Makes sense huh? How about, "God loves us and wants us to be healthy and comfortable and well taken care of"? It sounds true doesn't it? We so badly want those things to be true, but what does the Bible say? Well it says things like "The first will be last." and "those who do not give up EVERYTHING can not be my disciple" and "everyone will hate you because of me." Not statements that make you feel all warm and fuzzy are they? Maybe the things I hoped were true about Christianity were really just human additions meant to make us feel better about life. Maybe it is not as warm and fuzzy and easy as I hoped. This is when the Disney Channel started to really not sit well with me. The kids on those shows all have the nicest things, usually aren't satisfied with what they have and are not super honest in what they do to get more things. Is this a mind set I want my kids growing up with? Honestly balancing how much my kids want (or I want for them) with what they actually NEED is a struggle for me anyway. When I realized I am supposed to be self sacrificing and counter-cultural for real, a lot of things started to not sit well with me. (Please know this is all my personal conviction and I am not trying to come down on anyone.) Can I justify spending $60 plus a month on cable when that could provide food, basic needs and education for two children who are trapped in poverty? Does my junior higher need a fancy phone when I could use that money for something else more helpful to others? Do I really need a new car or can I keep driving this old one until it falls apart? So many new questions started to arise in me and lots of those questions still remain. What also remains is the question of how much am I willing to change when I get the answers to some of these questions? Am I more in love with the American Dream Westernized Christianity or the real Jesus who didn't even a bed to sleep in? Do I love my comfort or people? Do I love my image or am I willing to associate with people who might change how people see me? How serious am I about being "a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God"? And the honest answer is I am not even sure what the answer is to that yet, but I do know this is where the "more" is! In simplifying and sacrificing I find life so much more satisfying. Everything that Jesus teaches seems backwards and upside down, but I have to trust that He knows what He is doing in all things. If my girls do not have the nicest things then I am doing them a favor. If neighborhood kids eat us out of house and home, we are blessed. If I have the opportunity to speak truth to anyone around me, what a privilege, even if I get dirty in the process. Eureka!! The "more" has always been right outside my door!!
So if we have to be a little odd, do things differently, and take some persecution (even from well meaning church folk) in the process then so be it! I am ready to really dig into what God is honestly asking of me and pushing me toward even if it costs me! I do not want more things, more trash, more status, more power, more of anything but Jesus. I am scared to death, but I have never been more hungry for the "more" I have always sensed was out there.
When I was about 16ish I "accepted Jesus" or more appropriately described- Jesus confronted me in my desperate need for Him and I grabbed hold for dear life. After that, I would read large chunks of the Bible (most of which I had no idea what meant) because I have always been starving for information and knowledge. Good thing I am not a cat or my curiosity would have used up all nine of my lives before I even reached adulthood. Anyway, I wanted to know everything and I had so many questions but alarmingly few people to answer them, and the people who seemed like they should have the answers were confusingly not like the words I was reading in the Bible. This was perplexing to me to say the least. It seemed like some one, anyone, should know more or do more or I don't know... just more. Fast forward a couple years and by a strange sequence of events I found myself at a small Baptist University. I loved learning about the Bible from people who seemed like Christian giants to me and I was so encouraged to know that there were so many people there who were willing to follow God with their lives. It was during this time that I was home one Sunday morning at my church, and during the invitation at the end the preacher said the standard "If you wants to accept Jesus come forward now" spill that I had already heard enough times to memorize. Then he went on to say that if anyone felt like God was calling them to any type of ministry that he would love to talk to them too. That's when my feet took over and marched me right down that isle. I literally did not even know what I was doing, but it didn't take long for me to be face to face with the preacher. He is the same pastor who baptized me so he knew I had checked-off that box and was wondering why I was there to talk to him (I was wondering the same thing). Then my mouth took the baton from my feet and raced forward. I told him that I felt like God was asking me to do more with my life (this was the start of something because in the back of my mind I knew God MUST be calling all His followers to more because the Christianity and church that I had witnessed were alarmingly weak and self centered compared to God's word). The pastor then asked me his scripted questions, "Is God calling you to missions? Or children's ministry? Or to be a pastor's wife? (please do not EVEN get me started on how much I have always hated the degree to which being a girl defines my capabilities in most people's eyes!!) All I could give him in way of an answer was, "I don't know." He questioned me some more but quickly realized I had no clue what God was calling me to apart from "more". This was the last time he asked me anything about said calling and he probably dismissed the whole thing since I did not have the answers to his questions that morning. For me however, not having answers was not a stumbling block but a starting block. (Remember that unquenchable curiosity I mentioned?) I soaked up everything I could get my hands on at school and quickly found myself in a place of ministry, with my soon-to-be husband, that I was in no way equipped for, but for some odd reason being ill-equipped did not scare me, I trusted God with my baby faith and knew that He was big enough to work in spite of me. For the next several years, I struggled through growing and teaching and figuring out how to be a Christ follower and wife and mom and youth minister's wife, all the while moving in and out of so many broken and heart breaking churches. Long story short church has been hard on me from the start and apart from God's leading being so unshakable I would have given up on the whole thing a long time ago. I just knew there was a need for "more'!
Needless to say I do NOT fit the mold for a minister's wife (can I get an amen?) and since I never had a woman disciple me, I have always felt like I was a pioneer. I am making this up as I go and trying my best to be faithful and godly in how I act and live. There have been long stretches when I did not ever spend time with God. I just couldn't figure it out and it seemed like no one could explain it to me, so I learned everything by trial and error and error and more errors. I doubted a lot, and I mean a LOT!! I doubted my calling, I doubted my abilities, I doubted if I could even hear and obey God and I even doubted my salvation (on a a regular basis)!! Somehow through everything there was always in the back of my head, a longing for more, more for me and more for the people I am ministering to. I think I occasionally tapped into the more, goodness knows I tried, but even among Christians I felt like we were swimming up stream, going against mostly everything.
So that brings us to the last year or so. Since we are in the process of planting a new church we have had the freedom to evaluate why we do what we do as a church (and hopefully as individuals) and sift things out if they don't match up with the Bible. This has been a wonderful, difficult, eye opening, exhausting process. In the midst of that God is chiseling away at me and opening my eyes to long held beliefs that I really thought were biblical. For example, "If we are obeying God, He will bless us." Right? Or, "Things will work out and fall into place if they are meant to be." Makes sense huh? How about, "God loves us and wants us to be healthy and comfortable and well taken care of"? It sounds true doesn't it? We so badly want those things to be true, but what does the Bible say? Well it says things like "The first will be last." and "those who do not give up EVERYTHING can not be my disciple" and "everyone will hate you because of me." Not statements that make you feel all warm and fuzzy are they? Maybe the things I hoped were true about Christianity were really just human additions meant to make us feel better about life. Maybe it is not as warm and fuzzy and easy as I hoped. This is when the Disney Channel started to really not sit well with me. The kids on those shows all have the nicest things, usually aren't satisfied with what they have and are not super honest in what they do to get more things. Is this a mind set I want my kids growing up with? Honestly balancing how much my kids want (or I want for them) with what they actually NEED is a struggle for me anyway. When I realized I am supposed to be self sacrificing and counter-cultural for real, a lot of things started to not sit well with me. (Please know this is all my personal conviction and I am not trying to come down on anyone.) Can I justify spending $60 plus a month on cable when that could provide food, basic needs and education for two children who are trapped in poverty? Does my junior higher need a fancy phone when I could use that money for something else more helpful to others? Do I really need a new car or can I keep driving this old one until it falls apart? So many new questions started to arise in me and lots of those questions still remain. What also remains is the question of how much am I willing to change when I get the answers to some of these questions? Am I more in love with the American Dream Westernized Christianity or the real Jesus who didn't even a bed to sleep in? Do I love my comfort or people? Do I love my image or am I willing to associate with people who might change how people see me? How serious am I about being "a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God"? And the honest answer is I am not even sure what the answer is to that yet, but I do know this is where the "more" is! In simplifying and sacrificing I find life so much more satisfying. Everything that Jesus teaches seems backwards and upside down, but I have to trust that He knows what He is doing in all things. If my girls do not have the nicest things then I am doing them a favor. If neighborhood kids eat us out of house and home, we are blessed. If I have the opportunity to speak truth to anyone around me, what a privilege, even if I get dirty in the process. Eureka!! The "more" has always been right outside my door!!
So if we have to be a little odd, do things differently, and take some persecution (even from well meaning church folk) in the process then so be it! I am ready to really dig into what God is honestly asking of me and pushing me toward even if it costs me! I do not want more things, more trash, more status, more power, more of anything but Jesus. I am scared to death, but I have never been more hungry for the "more" I have always sensed was out there.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
If It Were a Snake
When I was a little girl I was notorious for misplacing my shoes. It would be time to go somewhere and we would be all ready, except I was still barefoot. I loved being barefoot so I am sure my mom thought I "lost" my shoes on purpose, but I honestly did not know where they were. She would ask me to go find them and I would search everywhere to no avail. So I would report back to her that my shoes were in fact lost. She would ask me if I looked in my room, outside, in the bathroom and living room, all the logical places for a little girl to strip them off. I would assure her that I searched all those places and there were no shoes. At this point I am sure she was getting impatient with me, especially since this was an almost daily problem. We really needed to leave by now, so she would come and help me look. We would go over the same places I had already been and re-look. The shoes would normally turn up very fast in a logical and obvious place. My mom would then be a little exasperated with me and amazed that I had not found them myself and would say "lucky for you, your shoes are not a snake or else they would have bitten you." I am sure this confused her to no end since, not to brag, but I was a smart kid, I made great grades, I was in gifted and talented classes and I was constantly asking questions to satisfy my overly curious mind. Yet I could not find my shoes in plain sight. Then one day my mom watched me as I looked for my shoes and realized I was looking up and not down, like I thought my shoes were magically on the ceiling. Well no wonder I could not find them, there is no way that they would be there. I was literally stepping over my shoes in an effort to find said shoes. After that every time I was sent to look for shoes I was sent with a reminder, "look all around the house, and make sure you are not looking on the ceiling." Needless to say I was a lot faster at finding my shoes from then on, because I was looking in the right places AND in the right direction. I have grown up (some) now and can usually find my shoes and everyone else's around here because I am the mom and that is a skill that moms need, but those words "if it were a snake it would have bitten you" come back to me often. I even say that to my own kids (and husband) on a regular basis.
I think those words ring true for a lot of us in our spiritual lives. "If God were a snake He would have already bitten you." Many of us, actually I would say MOST of us want to know God and follow Him but there seems to be a disconnect that we just can't figure out. We go to church (some) we read books and maybe do Bible studies (when we have time), we try and have a "quiet time" (I hate that term by the way but that's for another day), we do all these "Christiany" things yet we often times still feel alone and like we just can't find him. So many times this leads to frustration and doubts and then just giving up on God all together because He seems to allusive to us. So here's the deal, I think maybe we are looking in the right places but in the wrong direction. In Jeremiah 29 we have all heard the famous and much quoted verse about God knowing the plans for us and wanting good for us and we LOVE that!! And we should love that, it is very comforting and reassuring to know that our Creator has a good plan for us has not left us on our own and even more comforting to hear that He wants to share these plans with us and help us to be who He made us to be. But if you keep reading there is more to it, verse 13 it states "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Did you hear that? ALL YOUR HEART!! He didn't say you will seek me and find me when you make good choices or when you busy yourself with church things, or when you read every how-to Christian book out there. He says that we will find Him when we seek him with all our hearts. He just wants us, all of us, and He wants us to love Him and trust Him with everything that is precious to us. That doesn't mean that we should stop going to church or never have a quiet time, it simply means that we need to be doing those things while looking in the right direction. If we are doing those things as an attempt to impress God or as a check list to holiness then that's looking the wrong direction. If we are doing those things as a way to look better for other people that's looking in the wrong direction. We are stepping over God in attempt to find Him. He doesn't want us to be busy and overstretched and drowning in all the things we think we have to do. He just wants us, all of us, our whole hearts. That is how we will connect with God and in turn know His good (please keep in mind that our ideas of good are not always the same as God's) plans for us. Stop and breath, you are precious to God and He wants you. He hates to see you striving so hard at things that are empty without Him. Breath and relax and remember. We did nothing to earn His love and favor and we don't have to work in order to remain in His love and favor. Grace and mercy are a beautiful and very freely given gift from God. Please know that He is for you and He is the safest best place to rest. He just wants us to look to Him and trust Him with all we have.
Please don't keep stepping over God with all the things that you think He wants from you. He loves you and just wants you heart. Don't let your busy Christian life rob you of a real actual relationship with the God who loves you!
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