Serious Mixed Emotions

Several years ago our family experienced an extreme case of mixed emotions.  My brother was set to be married in just a short time when my elderly Penney Daddy aka grandfather took a turn for the worse.  He had been declining for quite some time and his wife of many many years, my precious Mom Bee (yes I know those are some strange names for grandparents) had passed away not to long before. Well long story short my hard working, loving and kind Penney Daddy died just days before the upcoming wedding. Now we were especially close to this set of grandparents, we saw them weekly if not daily for our entire childhood as they lived just minutes from our house and even got us off the school bus most afternoons. We would have big family suppers on the porch with some aunts and cousins on a regular basis when Penney Daddy would bring home KFC for the whole clan or my Mom Bee would fix us something delicious! Our Penney Daddy dying was terribly sad and hard for everyone even if we knew it was coming. And to add to it his youngest grandson was soon going to experience one of the greatest days of his life.  Getting things ready for a wedding a funeral in the same week was not something any of us wanted to do. My mom and her sisters quickly decided to have the funeral almost immediately so we could move forward in the week to the wedding and my Penney Daddy would have wanted it that way! I think the funeral ended up being on a Friday and the wedding the following evening. It was hard for everyone to balance all the emotions of that week! Should we be happy or sad? Should we cry or rejoice or do both in each of the venues? It was certainly not ideal but we all made it and off they went on their honeymoon with a very hard week in their rearview mirror.
I think that maybe I'm experiencing a smaller scale of some seriously mixed emotions of my own right now. I'm not sure how I should feel about anything. I want to cry and rejoice, I want to hold on to the past and let go to move forward. I am conflicted at best. Yesterday we said good bye to a church that has been our home for over four years- two of my girls were baptized there, my "family" is there along with some of the best friends I have ever had, and I have learned and grown so much there- I love that place. So in a way yesterday was like a funeral to me and boy did I cry! It's just hard to let go of something that you put so much of your heart and energy and life into.
But there is something coming on the horizon that I am super excited about! Tommy teased on Facebook for a few weeks now that we had some great news coming and everyone automatically assumed it was a baby announcement and though that is not the announcement is it very much like that! We are going to be pastoring a new church plant, a baby church I guess! A church that has never even had an actual service, it's brand spanking new! I am sure this is where God is leading and I am hopeful that we are going to experience some things that will blow our mind! So I am thrilled and ready to get going and move forward!
Which explains my mixed emotions, funerals and weddings are terrible in the same weekend. A funeral and a new baby would be just as hard. I guess I will just have to embrace the tears amidst the rejoicing for this season. The Bible says "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the  heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance...." I guess it never says those times will have defined boundaries!

Possums Attack

Last week I came home from the gym to the most disturbing sight!!! A POSSUM!!!!! In my opinion these creatures are the most vile and detestable animals in all of creation. I am not sure what happened to me as a child but I am sure there is a repressed memory of a traumatic event involving a possum. They are like huge rats except worse because they play dead and their tails are a mile long (and naked -YUCK)! Anyway this beast was in the back yard with the dogs and when I first saw it I thought my brave and fierce pets had ended its rampage of darkness but boy was I wrong, that little possum was playing possum!!! As soon as the dogs walked away it got up and tried to creep off!!! Well needless to say I freaked out!! I was screaming at my dogs to eat it or dig a hole and bury it or throw it into the neighbors yard. My dogs however thought it was just a toy to play with and they did not heed my frantic requests!

During this time on a normal day I get my coffee and my Bible and spend some Jesus time on the back porch, but this day I was a teense distracted!! I didn't read one verse and I didn't pray about anything except asking God to strike that disgusting monster with lightening!! I wasted a whole hour staring at something I hate because I didn't know where it was going or what it was doing and I sure didn't want it sneaking up behind me.

Then it occurred to me, this possum was just a baby (not at all cute or cuddly though) and what do babies have? Thats right Mamas and Dads and maybe even a whole slew of siblings. And what's worse is they could all be hanging over my head at this very moment. They could have lived in my tree as long as I have lived in this house. But I never worried about them before, I knew they could be anywhere, I mean this IS East Texas. So why was I wasting my precious Jesus time focused on this one little guy that was unlucky enough to show himself in broad daylight? But that is how we are isn't it? We hyper focus on the little things that seem out of control and neglect the things we can control like how we use our time and words. There is constantly a great number of possible "possums" hanging over our heads, anything could spin out of control at any moment, but honestly there is nothing we can do about all that. All we can do is do the best we can with what we have and trust God to take care of all the possibilities. We only have so much time allotted to us to spend as Jesus time, or to do anything for that matter, and I don't wanna waste any more time staring at a disgusting distraction when I could be sipping coffee and hearing from my Father! "Finally brother and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things." Phillipians 4:8. Try to take your eyes off all the possible dangers and distractions in your life and focus on any little good thing you can find and see if your whole outlook doesn't change!
Oh and just for the record- the possum "disappeared" with the help of a friend and I have yet to see any of his family hanging around, though without a doubt they are lurking somewhere! But I have resisted the urge to thoroughly search the treetops and instead actually spend my Jesus time with Jesus.

News From The Derricks

I just thought I should catch everyone up on what's been going on at our house the last few weeks!
I have been having a bunch of tests run at the doctors because I can't seem to stay well the last year or two, I have also been loosing weight unexplainably and have swelling in all my glands. With my family history the doctor was very concerned that it might be some kind of lymphoma or other kind of cancer. I had a CAT scan of my face and sinuses and they found a "mass" blocking the right side of my sinus. My regular doctor couldn't tell what exactly we were dealing with so for the last 2 weeks I have been waiting to get in to a specialist. We felt like it was important to let our youth and church know what we were facing so everyone here has been quite worried about me, pretty much freaking out actually haha. They have been super to check on me and pray for me and we have definitely felt the love! :)
My appointment with the specialist was yesterday and for the first time I got to see the CAT scan and get a little more information about whats going on. The good news is the specialist feels very confident that it is not cancer in my sinus. But it is something that is causing me a lot of trouble. There is a pretty good sized amount of "diseased" tissue in my sinus under and beside my right eye, that extends down into my cheek and up into my forehead. It is so large that is has basically broken my nose on the inside, pushing that small bone over to the opposite eye socket, it is also pressing on the right eye socket causing alot of pain in my eye, face, head and teeth. The doctor said that I have had this for quite a while, maybe 2 years or so and it has been getting progressively worse and bigger. I obviously will need surgery to remove this tissue, clean my sinus out and set my nose back to how it should be. The doctor wanted to do the surgery in late May, but the recovery is 6 weeks, during which I will not be able to go out of town because I will require weekly appointments to insure that things are healing properly. Well if you know me very well you can see where this would be a major problem for me. Summer is our busiest time and youth camp in in early June this year. I would be heart broken if "my kids" went to Alabama and had a unforgettable week with God while I was home. So after a mini fit in the doctor's office I convinced him to put it off just a couple more weeks so I won't miss anything major. He agree and we scheduled the surgery for June 24th.
The sad thing is that is the week we were planning on going to Disney with our family, but he didn't want to postpone it any later, so that will have to be rescheduled for next summer. The girls were pretty understanding, as long as they get to swim all summer they should be pretty happy! I am also going to have a pretty long recovery which will involve me be unable to do almost everything for the first 2 weeks, this is going to be hard for me, but I know that our church family will help Tommy in an abundant way so I'm not too worried! I will probably be going crazy by the end of the 2 weeks haha, but the doctor insures me I will quickly be feeling way better than how awful I have been feeling recently!
So that's the latest! We are so hugely blessed to be a part of a church family that loves us and supports us. We are so hugely blessed that this "mass" is nothing major and once the surgery is done it will be behind us. We are so hugely blessed that the Word of God promises "the Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid and do not be discouraged." We are so hugely blessed that no matter what we are going through or will have to go through in the future we know that God is going to use it for good and for His glory!!

Why God?

Disclaimer: Please do not be offended by what you read here today. This is just me trying to hash things out for myself and sharing it with you! I trust God, I just want to trust Him more!

Sometimes things happen that make me wonder what God was thinking or why He would allow things to happen. When good people experience tragedy, when little children suffer, when God's hand seems to be distance from the circumstances of our lives, these are times when I can't help but question God. This week I have personally seen a few situations that broke my heart and made me want to shake my head at God, and ask Him why. Why would God allow a mother to be taken from her small children? Why would God form a baby in a way that was so broken from birth that he had no chance of long term survival? Why does God not intervene when we are dealing with things and we feel like we are praying to the ceiling? Why God? And the terrible truth is I don't know if I can understand the answers to these questions this side of heaven.

But there are a few things I think I am catching on to. As I wonder why God would allow one small mistake that took less than a minute to be a fatal one, it occurs to me that God probably saves our lives thousands of times through out a week. Think about it; you are running late to work or school, those few minutes could be God preventing a car crash that you would have been involved in had you been on time. Who knows how many times He moves our hand or directs our feet to insure we are safe. I know in my life I rarely think about this. Every day my girls come home safe from school, that is God protecting them and allowing me to have them one more day. Every morning when Tommy and I wake up, that is Him guarding our lives through the night, so we can live for Him another day. Why God would choose to save us a thousand times and then on the thousand and first allow a tragedy I do not know, but am I thankful for the unseen protection and unnoticed rescues? "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21b. I am personally very guilty of not acknowledging all the things that the Lord gives on any given day, but I am quick to questions when He takes things away. I want to be in a place with Him where either way I can praise His name.

Isaiah 55:8-9 “'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.''' I cannot understand why bad things happen especially to little children, they are so helpless and innocent, but I am trying to trust that God's ways and plans and thoughts are in fact higher and better than mine and that in His great love and wisdom He is working things for our good. God is good even when circumstances are bad, I believe that!

There are seasons that I have experienced and am now seeing some one very close to me experience when God seems so distance, like a far off deity that has left us on our own. I know what it is like to feel as though your prayers are going unheard and your suffering is going unnoticed; like God has withdrawn and you are alone. It is a terrible, desperate place to be. In my own life this feeling lasted almost a year once, and caused me to doubt everything I thought I believed. I questioned my salvation, my purpose, God's plan and goodness. I even questioned whether God was even real, and this was all AFTER I had given my life to serve in the ministry, which doesn't even make sense, but it's true. I tried to keep praying and hold fast, but it was so very hard. In numerous places the psalmist has similar feelings and ask how long the Lord would remain silent. I don't know why this happens some times, but I do know that what we feel is not always what's true. God is always faithful and always merciful, no matter how things seem. On the other side of this God "fog" is a place where we can see clearly and understand all that God taught us during the time we had no choice to walk by faith. We grow to cherish the moments when we clearly hear God's voice because we have heard His silence.

So I guess I say all that to echo the father who brought his sick son to Jesus to be healed. “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24) I have faith that God is the best and knows what He is doing, but I need some help to quieting that pesky doubting voice in the back of me head.

Cute for Christ

When I was growing up, I heard a lot that I was cute. That is fine for a 6 year old, flattering in fact but as I got older I wondered when I would outgrow cute and achieve beauty. I turned 13, still just cute. I turned 16, and got a cute car to go with the cute me. I was cute at prom and graduation. Then I was becoming a woman and though surely I would graduate up to lovely or pretty, but no, I was cute at my own wedding! A few years later I resolved myself to just being a cutie and bitterly gave up on my dream of grown-up beauty, I just don't have the features, the high cheek bones, the small nose, the amazing skin. I am fun and fluttery and silly and I am not dog ugly so that equals cute!!

I don't think I am unlike a lot of girls and even women in the fact that I wonder what others really see when they look at me. Do they see the same me that I see in the mirror? Do they notice every little imperfection that I see? Do they know that I wouldn't mind changing a few of my features? Or are they just worrying about what I think of them while I am worrying about what they think of me?

This used to bother me a lot when I was growing up, I of course wanted people to like me and be pleased with my appearance and especially please with my achievements. I wanted (and still struggle with wanting) people's approval and love and attention for the things that I do. It is partly just my personality, I like to be liked, but its party insecurities. I hate when I even think people are upset with me and I can't stand it if for some reason me and some one don't hit it off! I honestly NEED to be liked.

As I am growing more and more to see who God actually intended me to be, it is getting easier to see myself through more forgiving eyes. My eyes don't pick out the imperfections in my appearance or my approval rating first. They are starting to see past those things to the things that God think are important like how much of myself I am using for Him and how my actions are drawing people to the truth. And I am learning that being cute has its benefits in these areas. If I looked like some one that stepped out of a magazine I would be completely inapproachable, but cute on the other hand puts people at ease. I am normal and my appearance isn't intimidating that is pretty important when trying to build relationship with teenage girls! I guess what I am learning is that God knew what He was doing when He made me... imagine that lol! "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalms 139:14. If cute is what God thinks is amazing and wonderful then who am I to argue. And the same goes for you too, after God formed you, placing every detail exactly like He wanted it, He stepped back to look at His living work of art and declared that IT IS GOOD!!

Slow Down Hill Slide

Over the past few weeks I have been enjoying a nasty case of bronchitis, I am coughing horribly and can't seem to catch my breath. This is extra annoying for me because normally the sickest I get is a sinus infection. I have been feeling not quite right since Christmas and last week it got to the point that a quick trip through Wal-Mart left me completely exhausted. I make a terrible sick person, I hate to rest when I have things that need to be done, so I usually don't, then I wear myself out even further! I think I am on the mends now, but as always God taught me something that I thought I should share.

In December when I started feeling bad it was just a little yuck, nothing I couldn't ignore and live with, but over the next few weeks it progressed slowly but surely; so slowly in fact that I barely noticed. I didn't just wake up last week as sick as a dog, it sneaked up on me. It was a slow decline that I didn't do much about until it got to the point that going to the doctor wasn't an option. Had I gone to the doctor early it might not have taken shots and 4 prescriptions to help just start to feel better, but I waited and let it get pretty nasty before I took it seriously.

I think that is how we are with our spiritual health too. Just a case of the spiritual sniffles, like sleeping in a couple Sundays or being selfish here or there doesn't hurt much, but it rarely stops there. It slowly progresses, soon our Bible gets dusty, next we try to just figure most things out on our own without even consulting the one who made us and planned our every day for us! Then we feel so far from God that we don't know if you can find our way back. It didn't happen all at once, but one day we wake up with a full fledge case of spiritual bronchitis and wonder how in the world we slid so far away from the God we gave our life to when we excepted His Son. Had we address the problems when it was just the sniffles the solution would have been a lot quicker and less painful. Don't get me wrong, we are never too far gone for Jesus to restore us back to right relationship, but the process can be painful if we have let things into our life that need to be removed for us to be healthy again.

I am thankful for doctors and shots and medicine even though none of those things are particularly pleasant because I am starting to feel better and get some of my energy back. I am also thankful for the Great physician who cares so much about my spiritual health that He is willing to discipline me or take what ever necessary steps to help me get well again. He knows that we feel the best and have the most energy when we are close to Him, doing what He made us to do. The devil on the other hand loves for us to let those sniffles go ignored and end up super nasty sick, because then we are miserable and ineffective. Jesus told us that "the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10) Don't choose anything less than a completely full life in Christ, it such a waste to spend your days coughing and out of breath when you could be getting things done and breathing easy! :-)

Aaahhaaa!!!!!!

Have you ever had one of those moments when things just kind of clicked for you and you understood a little something that never made sense before? A "aha!" moment? Well I am having an "aha!" season more so than a moment. God is opening my eyes to remember the past and how that is useful in the present.

For a couple months now I have had the privilege of delivering the children's sermon at the beginning of our worship service. I love doing it, but a couple weeks ago the sermon was going to be over Paul's thorn in his flesh; something he asked God to remove, but God left so through Paul's weakness everyone could see God's strength. As soon as I saw this scripture I knew I was not going to enjoy talking about this, because it was pretty much exactly what God had been teaching me and it was going to get personal. It is one thing to sit in front of a congregation and cluck like a turkey (You had to be there I guess haha) it is an entirely different thing to sit in front of a congregation and expose your own weakness and weep for a couple hundred people to see. Many kind people approached me after my sobbing scene and thanked me for being vulnerable and through it God was teaching me. He showed me that I had to experience the "thorns" of my childhood and teenage years to be who I am today and that I need to be who I am to reach and love and minister to the people God has put in my life. If God had made everything perfect for me then I would be in no place to relate and emphasize with "my kids"! So I am learning to be thankful for thorns.

During this "aha!" season I have also been reminded of someone who was so very instrumental in pointing me toward God and encouraging me to find who I was and live as me. I found a note from one of my very dear high school teachers; a note of encouragement she had written me during some of the hardest days of my life. I thought the world of her and considered myself to be one of "her kids"! I cried as I remembered where I came from and how I am writing notes just like that to "my kids"! I could have crossed my name out at the top and hers at the bottom and readdressed it and no one would have guessed it wasn't from me, I sound just like her. That is crazy and humbling and overwhelming to me. I can completely empathize with "my kids" who are feeling alone or overwhelmed and need extra encouragement because that was me. She was EXTREMELY important in shaping my self-worth and choices during that time and to think I have anywhere near a similar influence makes me shake my head; God is amazing and He can use anyone! I needed her to be her who God made her to be so she could show me how to be who God made me to be so I could show others how to be who God made them to be so they will hopefully show others how to be who God made them to be and on and on! WOW!

All these "aha!"'s started me thinking about Christmas and how the great star breathing God could have thought of millions of options on how to arrive to redeem us, but He chose to come as one of us. He took Himself out of glory and became a tiny helpless baby, so that He could live like we do. He knows what it is like to be cold and tired and hungry, He has experienced loneliness and betrayal and has longed to just be with His Dad. He can empathize with us. Let that sink in... the God of heaven who created all things endured earth so He could empathize with YOU AND ME!! "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. ¹⁶ Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16

During the middle of my thorny times or even as I was being encouraged I never once thought, "Someday I will be thankful for this, because I know God is molding me." But that is exactly what was happening and I can now say "Aha! God I see some of what you were doing!" I am so blessed and grateful to be where I am, doing what I am doing and I wouldn't trade any of the bumps and thorns and tears it took to get here!

WARNING!!

The last couples months have been difficult for me. I have been suffering from a very painful problem... a broken heart. I shouldn't complain though since I asked for it.

In September Tommy and I went to a Youth Minister's Conference called Refuge. It was an amazing couple of days meant to focus on God and refuel and those things were accomplished, but one of the songs we sang and prayed that week changed things for me. "Hosanna" by Hillsong United is a beautiful song with great words; I had heard it and even sung along before, but that week I made the bridge my prayer:

Heal my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

I have always been told to be careful what I ask for... this might have been a good time to heed that warning. The weeks and now months that have followed that simple prayer have been a little overwhelming. My eyes have truly been opened to the hurts and pains and fears of the students in my life and it honestly breaks my heart. I am assuming the people around me have always had these same scars and hurts in their lives to one extent or another, I have just never been so aware of them before. If I am experiencing even a minuscule percent of the amount God's heart breaks for them and really all of us, then God is far more compassionate and concerned and parental that I have ever given Him credit for. I mean I always knew He was all those things, but to actually feel it for myself brings new light on the tremendous love God has for His children. God's heart breaks when we are lonely, afraid, confused, exhausted, conflicted, hurt, scared, needy, unloved, under-appreciated, unwanted or even just tired. Everywhere I look there are people who are experiencing loneliness and fear and a whole spectrum of less than perfect conditions.

Compassion has always been something I have heard about and have been taught and even taught to others as something we should practice in our Christian lives, but I am learning that true compassion goes further than just feel bad for some one. The word compassion, on several occasions in the bible, is the word splagchinizomai which means to be moved to the pit of your stomach with love and pity. Jesus had compassion on the crowds in Matthew 14, it hit Him in the gut how helpless and hopeless the people were. I have been hit in the stomach myself lately, sick over the hopeless, desperate condition of "my kids". Jesus not only had compassion on the crowds, He did something about it, He went on to heal their sick and then feed all of them. I think that God lets us feel that pang in order to push us to do something about the problems we see. It would be easy for me to ignore what my eyes have seen if I didn't "feel" it for myself. Having my heart broken for the things that break God's heart and learning true compassion are honestly not the most comfortable warm and fuzzy things I have ever had to learn, but I know it is making me more like Jesus not to mention forcing me to lean even harder on the loving arms of my Heavenly Father.

So, be careful what you ask for, you never know when a simple pray will keep you up at night. But even more importantly please remember that God is not just a distant creator in the sky, He is deeply in love with His children and He wants to comfort them and hold them close through everything this world throws at them. If God can "show me how to love like He loves me," that will definitely make all this worth it.

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Abs of Steel

Over the weekend I was able to meet up with one of my "kids" who is not so much a kid anymore. She knew me when I only had 2 little girls, when I didn't have any fine line around my eyes and 4 moves ago. I haven't seen her in about a year or two mostly because of my own doing. After we our move from Central Texas to West Texas I neglected many relationships with the students that I loved, mostly because it broke my heart to not be with them anymore. The last few months I have really realized how much "not myself" I had become. There were a couple years of my life that my heart got very hard and I lost a lot of who I was. It happened so quietly that I barely even noticed, but God noticed and He strategically placed people in my life to crack open my rock of a heart and teach me to love freely once again. I think I was scared to love students and others because love is risky and I have learned that in a very real and personal way. People can hurt us, situations change and my heart has been broken, so in an effort to avoid that pain I just closed myself off and played like I was alright and pretended to do ministry, which mostly involved hanging out and having fun, but not getting too attached.

Well needless to say God didn't like my plan, enter the students of Troup, Texas. Over the past maybe 6 months I have had the great privilege of getting to know these students in a way that I cannot help but have my heart broken for them and love them no matter the cost. Only when I

began letting myself become attached to them, did I realize what had happened to my heart. God is again showing me who I am and more importantly who He is and giving me assurance that I can love freely and fearlessly because He loves me and is always enough! He also showed me that in my fear and selfishness I hurt some of my "kids" by letting them think that I didn't love them anymore. And that broke my heart, so here is evidence of the stupidity of me trying to do things my way and protect myself, it didn't save me any heart ache it just wasted precious days of my life and opportunities that I will never have again. The pleasure of being involved in people's lives and seeing God work in them far outweighs the possibility of the pain that can result. Therefore I am letting go, giving up control and letting God use me, with no regard for what might become of me.

I tell you all that to say, my day with my "kid" who is now my friend was amazing! I laughed harder and longer than I have in a very long time. My ab muscles are still feeling the effects of that day!! I pray that God will allow me days to laugh and also to cry with many more of my "kids" in the future. And that I will have abs of steel and never again a heart of steel.