I Quit

So as you know, I have been eating only 7 food choices (only eggs, whole wheat bread, chicken breast, spinach, avocados, apples and sweet potatoes) for the last 19 days.  My goal was to make it until the 22 of June, that is the day we are leaving to take the 6-12 graders to camp and I knew there was no way I could find enough of the right foods to survive in a college cafeteria/food court.  But I think that I am going to call it quits with only 2 1/2 days left.  The idea of not finishing what I started is upsetting but the truth that this experiment/fast was simply too much for me is infuriating.  So I think its time for a motives check.

Over the past few weeks God has taught me so much about how entitled, spoiled and wealthy I, along with most people I know, are.  We have everything we need and so much more, to the point that it is hard for us to draw the line between what is honestly a need and what is just a want.  We NEED food; we WANT something new every day with varied flavors and textures and it would be even better if it didn't take much work or time on our part to have such delicious options.  We NEED clothes; we WANT to look cute and be able to go weeks without doing laundry and have something for every occasion imaginable.  We NEED shelter; we WANT to have the nicest house on the block and to be the envy of our friends.  Our idea of need and that of a person in a third world country is a vast contrast.  I have been convicted that I need to be using my resources better and not hold anything tightly, but being willing to give it up for the good of others.

I have also learned a lot about my motives.  Sadly every morning I would step on the scale hoping for a little decrease from the day before, I mean I haven't had sugar, fat, snacks, red meat or anything considered junk in weeks, but I found myself frustrated when the number stayed the same.  Now wait a minute-  the point of this fast is NOT to lose weight!!! That is self serving and exactly the opposite of what a fast should be focused on.  And by the way, I gained half a pound in the last 3 weeks even with going to a challenging bootcamp 3 mornings a week, that is God's way of sifting out my motives I am sure. Motive fail number 1.  

Secondly I have learned that I am beyond stubborn (well actually I already knew that but I surprise even myself sometimes).  I am one of those people who decides to do something and then will die trying to make sure I do whatever it was I decided to do.  Sometimes that a good trait,  sometimes that is a motive that needs to be cleaned out of my heart.  The point of this food simplifying fast was to seek God and to learn about my ideas and habits relating to food.  The point was not to finish just to impress everyone with my strong will power.  Motive fail number 2.

For the last 5 or so days I have felt like crap.  I have had a headache, been super tired, unreasonably grouchy and just slow moving.  I figured this was a result of being a little anemic so I got some multivitamins that were high in iron in hopes of feeling ok enough to make it to Monday.  They didn't help as much as I hoped, in fact this morning I was 15 minutes late to bootcamp because I could NOT drag myself out of bed.  Then a few hours later I fell asleep reading.  I am on summer break and have nothing major going on this week, I should not be so tired. The people who see me every day or even just pretty regularly have been saying for over a week that maybe I just need some red meat, or maybe it's time to give up and eat regular food, but I didn't want to be a quitter and I for sure didn't want to put my comfort over seeking God. I have been very conflicted and almost too tired to think about it all. Yesterday I got several comments about how tired I look and seem.  And this morning I had bags under my eyes big enough to pack for all my summer travels.  Apparently I look as rough as I feel.  I just feel like if I am going to ask my ladies to do something I should not only do what they are doing but go the extra mile (or 15 days in this case). Is that because I want to be a good leader or because I am ultra competitive or even worse (I'm ashamed to even let this cross my mind much less let you read it) because I think I need to be better than everyone else?  I honestly can't even tell you what my motive is there but I know its at the very least laced with some of all of that.  Lets just call that motive fail 3-5.  

With all my failures and all my motives aside, I can't stop thinking about all those women around the world who do not, and never have had adequate nutrition and it breaks my heart to think of how hard it must be for them to make it through the day.  I am sure they are tired and weak and feeling sick, and yet they work hard to just survive and provide for those around them the best they can.  They may not even recognize that they don't feel well since they have likely always felt this way.  This is not ok.   This is not fair or right or something we can ignore.  If I feel so awful after 19 days with an unlimited supply of 7 very nutritious foods, I cannot imagine the state I would be in if I had to skip several meals a week or lived off only what I could grow myself or depended on rice and maybe beans as my main food source.  The truth is some one is dying of hunger related problems every 5 seconds.  Even if you are a speed reader several people have died as you read these words.  We have the money and resources and information to change this trend.  We can  sponsor a child through Compassion International, we can loan someone money to start a small business through Kiva, we can buy fair trade items and directly support the people who made those items, and we can be aware and explore other ways that we can help the hungry around the world. I can make a difference, you can make a difference.  We may only be able to make a small drop in the bucket but if we spread the word and build awareness, together we can save lives!
I can safely say I will not become a vegetarian anytime soon, but I will certainly be more aware of my desire for foods I don't need and how thankful I should be for the resources to provide adequate nutrition to myself and my family.  I will absolutely be fasting in the future because, above all, I have learned why it is an important spiritual discipline.  I pray that God will continue to teach me and stretch me and convict me and move me toward a life that is spent well loving Him and loving others like I love myself.  Now excuse me while I go find some red meat and!