Fear is a Liar

I don’t know what I’m writing about today. I just know I need to write. I’m hoping God kinda fleshes this out as I go. So be prepared for some incoherent ramblings. Saturday we ran from my house, 12 miles, to the other side of the next town. I did everything right the day before and morning of. I was ready. New shoes, plenty of protein, hydrated, well rested, the whole nine yards. The first 5 miles was great- I felt strong and happy to be running. We stopped for water and some sugar and I was eager to keep going. My cardio is getting to the point that after 6 ish miles I don’t have to concentrate on breathing because I’m barely breathing hard, I’m just cruising. I’m slower than everyone else but what’s new. Then about 10 miles in I just can’t anymore. My legs are done and my brain is screaming for me to walk. And I’m sad to say I gave into that temptation. I walk/ran (mostly walked) the last couple of miles. Everyone was waiting on my forever to get there so we could

head home. I was so embarrassed and frustrated with myself. I felt so discouraged,  this was my idea to start with, but I’m definitely the weakest link and honestly unsure if I can do 26.2 miles even if I had a million weeks to prepare (its 22 weeks until race day). Maybe I’m not mentally tough enough, maybe my legs aren’t made for this, maybe it’s not worth it. I was fighting tears and feeling so upset the rest of the day. I feel like I’m working as hard as everyone else but not seeing the results. It’s still such a struggle for me. My pride and competitive nature were so mad!! I wanted to think of any possible explanation (excuse) for my difficulty. Hadley had surgery, I’m stressed and sleep deprived. I’m older than my friends I train with. I teach closet classes at 4:00AM. I have fibromyalgia that makes me fatigued and in pain most of the time.  Both my feet have giant blisters. I have a lot on my plate. The list goes on and on. But those are all just big fat excuses. None of that is new and none of that makes it impossible for me to do what I set out to do. But when I’m 9.5 miles in and there’s no one in my ear telling me I can do this, my brain comes up with all the thousands of reasons it’s ok to give up. “You will do better next week” “Walking up one hill won’t hurt” “That pain in your thighs is intense” “You’ve lost a gallon of fluids already in sweat” “This is ridiculous why are you even attempting it?” So much doubt and fear and negativity. I try hard to will myself to think “You had 3 babies, you can do this” “2 more miles is nothing compared to what you’ve already done” “The feeling of accomplishment will far out weigh the pain your legs are feeling now, and they will feel better shortly anyway” “Your body was made for this, just keeping going” “Your friend Trey and countless others are working so hard physically and sacrificing so much to protect this country” “90 year old women run marathons” but it’s hard to keep those thoughts in front.

If we are being honest I guess I do this in regular life as well, I let myself make excuses and I settle for the results. For example the first 10 or so years of my marriage I let negative thoughts that steamed from my childhood override the truth I was experiencing. “If I can’t trust my own dad to love, cherish and be honest with me then I for sure can’t trust Tommy”. I let that color the way I saw, heard and reacted to everything, even though it wasn’t how things actually were at all, Tommy has never once given me a reason to doubt his faithfulness. Or how I’m now allowing myself to be distant from our church people (I know that’s a terrible thing for a pastor’s wife to admit) because in my experience church people are hurtful and heartless, especially to the staff they hire. My church people are literally the best of the best so I have no reason to let these negative thoughts take center stage, but it’s what I’m doing currently.

If I were guessing I’d say most people do this, we make excuses for ourselves and let negativity and fear rule our lives. Those who had hard childhoods might allow that to color the way they see their present day. Those who have experienced tragedy and loss might live in fear or be afraid to take a chance that could lead to further heart break. Those who’ve made mistakes might feel like they are a lost cause so why even try to make better choices in the future, thinking the damage has already been done. This is one of the main ways the devils keeps us from living the abundant life God promises us. He whispers these lies to us and we sink our teeth into them, refusing to hear truth. We feel damaged, screwed up, weak, incapable, tired, frustrated, worried, doubtful, cheated, uneasy, and so very scared. We probably don’t admit this to anyone, including ourselves, because, well our pride likes to hide any perceived shortcomings so people will think more highly of us. But that’s the devil too, he wants us to feel isolated, ashamed, alone, unworthy and embarrassed. God however wants us to be honest with each other and share our burdens. Negative thoughts and feelings are as much, if not more, of a burden than anything we physically suffer with. If we let people into our brains and hearts they can help us combat what’s consuming us. It’s hard and humbling but so worth it. We also need to be honest with God about these kinds of thoughts, He obviously knows everything before we tell Him, but talking to Him about it opens up the line of communication so He can begin cleaning this out and replacing the lies with His truths.

So I have a choice to make: I can let what happened Saturday snowball on me and bring me to the place where I will inevitably quit training and will forever be disappointed that I didn’t accomplish this hard task and mark it off my bucket list. OR I can be real about my struggles, talk to my #marathonmamas, and whoever else is not already sick of hearing me talk about running, and talk to God asking Him to replace the devil’s lies with His truths. If I do the latter, I’m sure I’ll still struggle, I’ll have good runs and bad runs, I’ll still have to fight the thoughts urging me to quit (and they still may even win occasionally) but I WILL NOT give up! I’ll keep pushing and working and sweating. We all have a choice to make, begin digging out of the fear or continue to drown in it. If I can share in your burdens I’d love the privilege of doing so, or call your mom or best friend or pastor. Don’t continue feeding yourself things that allow the fear and worry and negativity to grow- keep pushing, do hard things, keep going when you want to quit, give yourself the chance to surprise yourself with all you can do! Try again. And again. Tomorrow starts a new week of training. And it’s going to suck- but I want to get stronger and use my body and energy well, so I’m going to give it all I’ve got! Let live life that way too! The things we have to work the hardest for are sweetest in the end! If running a marathon was easy more than 1% of the population would do it. If staying faithfully married was easy, more than half of marriages wouldn’t end in divorce. If breaking the cycle of family issues or addiction was easy it wouldn’t be called a cycle. Life is really hard- we need God’s truth and light and help and encouragement to keep going.