I. Want. More.

    This is not what you think....this is a personal post about what God has been chiseling away at in me for the last year or so.... I think it  actually started years ago, maybe even when I felt my call to ministry but I was so young in my faith then and had so little experience with anything that I didn't even know what I was getting myself into (good thing I didn't or I would have tucked tail and ran the other way) much less what all that stirring of the Spirit to "something more" even meant.  So lets start there.
   When I was about 16ish I "accepted Jesus" or more appropriately described- Jesus confronted me in my desperate need for Him and I grabbed hold for dear life.  After that, I would read large chunks of the Bible (most of which I had no idea what meant) because I have always been starving for information and knowledge.  Good thing I am not a cat or my curiosity would have used up all nine of my lives before I even reached adulthood.  Anyway, I wanted to know everything and I had so many questions but alarmingly few people to answer them, and the people who seemed like they should have the answers were confusingly not like the words I was reading in the Bible.  This was perplexing to me to say the least.  It seemed like some one, anyone, should know more or do more or I don't know... just more.  Fast forward a couple years and by a strange sequence of events I found myself at a small Baptist University. I loved learning about the Bible from people who seemed like Christian giants to me and I was so encouraged to know that there were so many people there who were willing to follow God with their lives.  It was during this time that I was home one Sunday morning at my church,  and during the invitation at the end the preacher said the standard "If you wants to accept Jesus come forward now" spill that I had already heard enough times to memorize.  Then he went on to say that if anyone felt like God was calling them to any type of ministry that he would love to talk to them too.  That's when my feet took over and marched me right down that isle.  I literally did not even know what I was doing, but it didn't take long for me to be face to face with the preacher.  He is the same pastor who baptized me so he knew I had checked-off that box and was wondering why I was there to talk to him (I was wondering the same thing).  Then my mouth took the baton from my feet and raced forward.  I told him that I felt like God was asking me to do more with my life (this was the start of something because in the back of my mind I knew God MUST be calling all His followers to more because the Christianity and church that I had witnessed were alarmingly weak and self centered compared to God's word).  The pastor then asked me his scripted questions, "Is God calling you to missions? Or children's ministry?  Or to be a pastor's wife?  (please do not EVEN get me started on how much I have always hated the degree to which being a girl defines my capabilities in most people's eyes!!) All I could give him in way of an answer was, "I don't know."  He questioned me some more but quickly realized I had no clue what God was calling me to apart from "more".  This was the last time he asked me anything about said calling and he probably dismissed the whole thing since I did not have the answers to his questions that morning.  For me however, not having answers was not a stumbling block but a starting block.  (Remember that unquenchable curiosity I mentioned?) I soaked up everything I could get my hands on at school and quickly found myself in a place of ministry, with my soon-to-be husband, that I was in no way equipped for, but for some odd reason being ill-equipped did not scare me, I trusted God with my baby faith and knew that He was big enough to work in spite of me.  For the next several years, I struggled through growing and teaching and figuring out how to be a Christ follower and wife and mom and youth minister's wife, all the while moving in and out of so many broken and heart breaking churches. Long story short church has been hard on me from the start and apart from God's leading being so unshakable I would have given up on the whole thing a long time ago.  I just knew there was a need for "more'!
   Needless to say I do NOT fit the mold for a minister's wife (can I get an amen?) and since I never had a woman disciple me, I have always felt like I was a pioneer.  I am making this up as I go and trying my best to be faithful and godly in how I act and live.  There have been long stretches when I did not ever spend time with God.  I just couldn't figure it out and it seemed like no one could explain it to me, so  I learned everything by trial and error and error and more errors. I doubted a lot, and I mean a LOT!! I doubted my calling, I doubted my abilities, I doubted if I could even hear and obey God and I even doubted my salvation (on a a regular basis)!! Somehow through everything there was always in the back of my head, a longing for more, more for me and more for the people I am ministering to. I think I occasionally tapped into the more, goodness knows I tried, but even among Christians I felt like we were swimming up stream, going against mostly everything.
    So that brings us to the last year or so.  Since we are in the process of planting a new church we have had the freedom to evaluate why we do what we do as a church (and hopefully as individuals) and sift things out if they don't match up with the Bible.  This has been a wonderful, difficult, eye opening, exhausting process.  In the midst of that God is chiseling away at me and opening my eyes to long held beliefs that I really thought were biblical.  For example, "If we are obeying God, He will bless us." Right?  Or, "Things will work out and fall into place if they are meant to be." Makes sense huh?  How about, "God loves us and wants us to be healthy and comfortable and well taken care of"? It sounds true doesn't it?  We so badly want those things to be true, but what does the Bible say?  Well it says things like "The first will be last." and "those who do not give up EVERYTHING can not be my disciple" and "everyone will hate you because of me."  Not statements that make you feel all warm and fuzzy are they?  Maybe the things I hoped were true about Christianity were really just human additions meant to make us feel better about life.  Maybe it is not as warm and fuzzy and easy as I hoped.  This is when the Disney Channel started to really not sit well with me.  The kids on those shows all have the nicest things, usually aren't satisfied with what they have and are not super honest in what they do to get more things.  Is this a mind set I want my kids growing up with? Honestly balancing how much my kids want (or I want for them) with what they actually NEED is a struggle for me anyway.  When I realized I am supposed to be self sacrificing and counter-cultural for real, a lot of things started to not sit well with me.  (Please know this is all my personal conviction and I am not trying to come down on anyone.) Can I justify spending $60 plus a month on cable when that could provide food, basic needs and education for two children who are trapped in poverty?  Does my junior higher need a fancy phone when I could use that money for something else more helpful to others?  Do I really need a new car or can I keep driving this old one until it falls apart?  So many new questions started to arise in me and lots of those questions still remain.  What also remains is the question of how much am I willing to change when I get the answers to some of these questions?  Am I more in love with the American Dream Westernized Christianity or the real Jesus who didn't even a bed to sleep in?  Do I love my comfort or people? Do I love my image or am I willing to associate with people who might change how people see me?  How serious am I about being "a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God"?  And the honest answer is I am not even sure what the answer is to that yet, but I do know this is where the "more" is! In simplifying and sacrificing I find life so much more satisfying. Everything that Jesus teaches seems backwards and upside down, but I have to trust that He knows what He is doing in all things.  If my girls do not have the nicest things then I am doing them a favor.  If neighborhood kids eat us out of house and home, we are blessed.  If I have the opportunity to speak truth to anyone around me, what a privilege, even if I get dirty in the process.  Eureka!! The "more" has always been right outside my door!!
    So if we have to be a little odd, do things differently, and take some persecution (even from well meaning church folk) in the process then so be it! I am ready to really dig into what God is honestly asking of me and pushing me toward even if it costs me!  I do not want more things, more trash, more status, more power, more of anything but Jesus.  I am scared to death, but I have never been more hungry for the "more" I have always sensed was out there.    

If It Were a Snake

     When I was a little girl I was notorious for misplacing my shoes.  It would be time to go somewhere and we would be all ready, except I was still barefoot.  I loved being barefoot so I am sure my mom thought I "lost" my shoes on purpose, but I honestly did not know where they were. She would ask me to go find them and I would search everywhere to no avail.  So I would report back to her that my shoes were in fact lost.  She would ask me if I looked in my room, outside, in the bathroom and living room, all the logical places for a little girl to strip them off.  I would assure her that I searched all those places and there were no shoes.  At this point I am sure she was getting impatient with me, especially since this was an almost daily problem. We really needed to leave by now, so she would come and help me look.  We would go over the same places I had already been and re-look.  The shoes would normally turn up very fast in a logical and obvious place.  My mom would then be a little exasperated with me and amazed that I had not found them myself and would say "lucky for you, your shoes are not a snake or else they would have bitten you." I am sure this confused her to no end since, not to brag, but I was a smart kid, I made great grades, I was in gifted and talented classes and I was constantly asking questions to satisfy my overly curious mind.  Yet I could not find my shoes in plain sight.  Then one day my mom watched me as I looked for my shoes and realized I was looking up and not down, like I thought my shoes were magically on the ceiling.  Well no wonder I could not find them, there is no way that they would be there.  I was literally stepping over my shoes in an effort to find said shoes.  After that every time I was sent to look for shoes I was sent with a reminder, "look all around the house, and make sure you are not looking on the ceiling." Needless to say I was a lot faster at finding my shoes from then on, because I was looking in the right places AND in the right direction.  I have grown up (some) now and can usually find my shoes and everyone else's around here because I am the mom and that is a skill that moms need, but those words "if it were a snake it would have bitten you" come back to me often. I even say that to my own kids (and husband) on a regular basis. 

     I think those words ring true for a lot of us in our spiritual lives.  "If God were a snake He would have already bitten you." Many of us, actually I would say MOST of us want to know God and follow Him but there seems to be a disconnect that we just can't figure out. We go to church (some) we read books and maybe do Bible studies (when we have time), we try and have a "quiet time" (I hate that term by the way but that's for another day), we do all these "Christiany" things yet we often times still feel alone and like we just can't find him.  So many times this leads to frustration and doubts and then just giving up on God all together because He seems to allusive to us.  So here's the deal,  I think maybe we are looking in the right places but in the wrong direction. In Jeremiah 29 we have all heard the famous and much quoted verse about God knowing the plans for us and wanting good for us and we LOVE that!! And we should love that, it is very comforting and reassuring to know that our Creator has a good plan for us has not left us on our own and even more comforting to hear that He wants to share these plans with us and help us to be who He made us to be.  But if you keep reading there is more to it, verse 13 it states "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Did you hear that?  ALL YOUR HEART!! He didn't say you will seek me and find me when you make good choices or when you busy yourself with church things, or when you read every how-to Christian book out there.  He says that we will find Him when we seek him with all our hearts.  He just wants us, all of us, and He wants us to love Him and trust Him with everything that is precious to us.  That doesn't mean that we should stop going to church or never have a quiet time, it simply means that we need to be doing those things while looking in the right direction.  If we are doing those things as an attempt to impress God or as a check list to holiness then that's looking the wrong direction.  If we are doing those things as a way to look better for other people that's looking in the wrong direction. We are stepping over God in attempt to find Him.  He doesn't want us to be busy and overstretched and drowning in all the things we think we have to do.  He just wants us, all of us, our whole hearts.  That is how we will connect with God and in turn know His good (please keep in mind that our ideas of good are not always the same as God's) plans for us. Stop and breath, you are precious to God and He wants you.  He hates to see you striving so hard at things that are empty without Him. Breath and relax and remember.  We did nothing to earn His love and favor and we don't have to work in order to remain in His love and favor.  Grace and mercy are a beautiful and very freely given gift from God.  Please know that He is for you and He is the safest best place to rest.  He just wants us to look to Him and trust Him with all we have.  

     Please don't keep stepping over God with all the things that you think He wants from you.  He loves you and just wants you heart.  Don't let your busy Christian life rob you of a real actual relationship with the God who loves you! 

Take God's Hand

     One day at school my class and I were playing outside, running around, screaming and laughing like very young kids love to do. Our Head Start building has its own fenced in playground and in our building there is an office that parents visit often to get help with certain things that their families or kids might need. On this day one of my kid's mom was inside there talking to my co-worker about something, and although the child knew her mom was in there she was content to play but kept looking at the door to see if she was coming out yet. I knew that when the mom was ready to leave the child was going to be very upset and have a melt-down at being left there, even though she happily stayed with me every morning. After a few minutes my co-worker came outside and took the little girl by the hand and lead her over to the tricycles out of the view of her office door, allowing the mom to sneak away. At first I was like "poor baby, why would they trick her intentionally like that" but then I realized that they were just sparing her the tears.  The girl knew she was safe at school and she knew she would go home shortly so there was no need to have a melt-down because mom had to leave her there. This was an act of kindness to the child.  She trusted my co-worker and willingly went around the corner with her even though she didn't know why.  She was happy and unaware that she was being protected from heart break. Later when she asked me where her mom was, I simply said she would be back soon, which she accepted and we had no melt-down.

     Then I started wondering, how often must God do, or at least desire to do the same thing for us.  How He must try to take us around the corner and spare us from things that He knows will hurt us. We often think about God keeping us from fun, exciting or pleasurable things, but thats not the case at all He is not trying to deprive us, He is just trying to pull us in a direction that is best for us. If we trust Him and are willing to follow Him wherever He asks us to go and are willing to keep our eyes on Him, He will be actively trying to guide us and hedge us in for our good. We will be like that little girl who didn't even know what she was being protected from.  There are things that we think we want and things that look really good, but those same things can hurt us and if we are just staring at them. No matter how many rules we hear rules about not participating in them, we will be very focused on what we are missing out on. But if we are holding hands with the Creator then we won't even give those things a second thought and God can save us the heart break that would have been inevitable without His leading. "How often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you are not willing." Matthew 23:37  God is not a giant kill joy in the sky, He is a loving Father who wants us close to Him where we are safe and well cared for.  

       I pray that we would be like a little child and take God's hand and trust His love and intentions so much that we would let Him lead us where ever He wants us to go.  He is likely steering us away from very hurtful situations that we will hopefully never even know were a possibility. And on top of that He is leading us toward what He made us for, which is the only place that we can be satisfied with this life.  So keep playing and laughing and living and when God asks you to come around the corner with Him trust His heart! You may never even know what you have to be thankful for as a result, but you can trust that you are right where you should be.

Running On Fumes

   I am 4 weeks away from my first half marathon. That sounded like a good idea a few months ago but now as it approaches I am second guessing this decision. THIRTEEN miles is a very long way!!! I must have lost my mind. The truth is the only reason I am doing it is to prove something to myself, but thats a whole other story for a different day. 

     Today my plan was to run 10 miles and then I would have plenty of time to add the last 3 miles before my race. So I woke up, got dressed and hit the road. I was anticipating my run taking over an hour and a half and we had a whole day of things we had to get done afterward so I was kind of in a hurry to get started.  I decided I would run 5 miles away from home that way I would HAVE to run 5 miles to get back home and I couldn't find a shortcut and come back early. Sounds like a full proof plan, but boy was I wrong.  The first half of the run was great and I even felt somewhat of a "runners high" on miles 3-6. But then the hills seem to get higher and the wind started blowing harder right into my face, my legs gained like 20 pounds each and worst of all my back started hurting to the point that I could barely breath. I was confused because just last week I had run 7.7 miles and survived just fine. But it quickly got to the point where I physically felt like I could not run any further, so I decided to walk for a minute and catch by breath and then finish up. I walked about half a mile and then tried running again but I could NOT do it.  I was very disappointed in myself and upset that I wasn't going to be able to post a selfie #myfirstdoubledigitrunever. I kept trying to run again but my body would not cooperate with me. That's when it hit me I had made some crucial mistakes in preparing for my run.  1. I was all alone. 2. I was very thirsty with no plan of relieving that and 3. I had not eaten ANYTHING that morning, in fact I hadn't eaten much the night before either. The distance, hills and the wind were rough but I could have fought through them if I had not made those three mistakes. All of those factors together were just too much for me to handle. If I had someone there to encourage me, I really think I could have pushed through at least a little further.  If I had something to drink, that would have helped so much. And most of all if I had the energy I needed from food, I would have definitely been able to finish my planned run for the day. But I didn't finish, in fact by the time I walked the last two miles back to the house I was feeling very dizzy and faint. The stupid thing is I did finish the 10 miles just not at all the way I had hoped, because when the road got hard I wasn't ready and I gave up. 

     The good thing about this botched run was it gave me some time to think and it occurred to me that life is a lot like my run was today.  In life we have big plans and high hopes but then the path gets hard and we meet resistance and troubles and hardships. Everyone in the history of the world has experienced this, life is very rarely smooth and easy, instead it is bumpy and hilly and windy and rough and long.   Junk happens and it hurts and we very much want to give up. A lot of times we do give up and no one blames us for doing so because they too know how hard life can be. But I think that if we took care of the three things I failed to do this morning we would be so much more likely to be able to keep going no matter how hard life gets.

    1. We can NOT handle life's hard things, or even life's easy things for that matter on our own.  We were not made to do life on a island we are made to be in fellowship with other people who can love and encourage us and even carry us when necessary. I know how hard this can be and how much we want to protect ourselves or our image and not let people in on the fact that we really are human and we really are struggling with things, but trying to run 10 miles alone is not a good idea and trying to carry the weight of the world alone is completely impossible. So stop trying so hard, its ok to not be ok, the truth is most people are not ok and they need help too but are probably as scared as you are to ask for it. "Carry each other's burdens , and in this way you fulfill the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:2) This verse says for us to help other people but implies that we let people help us too otherwise it would be impossible for them to fulfill this command. So find a running buddy who you can help you keep running when the hills are too high to see over. 

    2. When facing the inevitable hard times that life gives us it is imperative that we have something to drink and not just any drink will do, we need the kind of drink that won't run out after a few miles forcing us to stop and find more. We need the kind of water that Jesus talks about in John 7:38 "Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them." Jesus is talking about giving us His Spirit who will go with us through everything life could throw at us and sustain us no matter how hard it gets. That is an awesome promise and very comforting when it feels like things are too hard and their is no end in sight. If we drink deep of this Water we will not grow weak and give up when trials and tragedy come. We will still hurt and it will still be hard but we will have the strength to keep going knowing that the Spirit of God is right there with us. So drink deep and let Him help you keep running even when the wind is blowing hard in your face. 

    3. We need food to sustain us.  Just like when running the same stands true in life as well.  We are made with a hunger in us that can only be filled with the truths of God. This is where our sustenance comes from, but many of us stop with a very basic and often half truth about the Creator of all things including our very selves. We believe what other people might tell us or we hear a few things here and there and we are willing to accept them as truth and base our view of God on them. This cannot sustain us, we need real meat. And honestly an hour on Sunday morning is not ever going to be enough. I couldn't even run an hour and a half with an empty stomach, there is NO way we can go through the trials of life without being filled with the real whole truth of God. We need to eat several times a day and we need the truth of God just as often to remind us Who we belong to and how He feels about us.  He has given us a whole book to share Himself with us but the catch is we have to get in there and eat it up.  A Bible on the shelf can't feed you just like the chocolate milk in my fridge did me no good this morning.  The more of the Word that we gobble up the more we are able to keep our eyes on what really matters instead of just focusing on the pain in our hearts.  So get in the Word and find the nourishment you need to sustain you through any and everything that comes your way even if the road you face is so much longer than you expected. 

     As I limped along trying to run off and on the last couple miles back to my house this morning I wanted to cry because my back hurt and because I was upset that the morning hadn't gone as planned. I felt weak and doubted my ability to even keep training to run my race in a few weeks. I just wanted to sit down and give up.  Even the vultures sensed my weakness and flew in circles over me waiting for me to kill over.  Ok ok I might be exaggerating a little about the vultures but I was moving pretty slow.  Everything seemed so much worse than it was because I was lonely, thirsty and super hungry. In a few days I will try again, but you better believe I will not repeat my mistakes from this morning. I pray that you too will learn from my mistakes and find the Godly friends, the Spirit and the truth of God that you need to not give up on this beautiful mess we call life!

Spoiled

I slept in today- a whole 9 and 1/2 hours of rest last night! I needed it and I am so thankful for it. But as I woke up, got my coffee and Bible and ventured to the porch for some Jesus time it occurred to me what a privilege it is to be able to sleep like that. I was struck with the realization that it takes a lot of peace and calm to be able to keep sleeping on and on.  I'm sure that there are millions of people around the world and even some right here in Troup that couldn't imagine the possibility.  If I was not confident that my family was safe I would never be able to sleep peacefully.  And what if I didn't know where we would lay down tomorrow night or what I would feed them for breakfast or if we would be able to stay warm enough. All these situations would require so much of my attention that my mind would not know any degree of peace and sleep would evade me.  I know nothing of hunger, thirst, real fear, poverty or uncertainty. I think I'm hungry when I skip lunch because I cannot stomach another school hamburger, which is free I made add since I teach Head Start, and I have to wait an hour until I can run home and get something else.  I think I'm thirsty when I go for a run to work off the extra calories I had the luxury of indulging on and we are out of bottled water. I think I am afraid when my middle daughter passes out even though we have almost instant medical help at our fingers tips.  I think things are tight financially when I cannot run to the store for chocolate chips whenever I want or I can't get the girls new clothes and shoes that they "need".  I think things are uncertain when I am not sure how an observation by my principal is going to go the next day at school or I'm not seeing a twelve month plan on how God will grow a new church and in turn provide for my family in a guaranteed consistent way.  So, I say all that to say: I am extremely spoiled. I am in no way wealthy by American standards, but compared to the world I have so much more than the average. Not only that but I have something money cannot buy.  I have hope. If something tragic were to happen and I no longer had the peace it takes to sleep late in comfort I would have hope that things would get better and more peaceful days were on the horizon.  I know that God loves me and will provide for my needs and I can be confident in this because He has proven that is true time and time again. But what if I didn't have a relationship with Him? I would then know something worse than hunger or thirst, I would know hopelessness.  I think it's possible to endure great hardships as long as there is something to look forward to or to have confidence in outside of the current situation, but without that hope even a full belly wouldn't provide much peace. So maybe the absence of fear,uncertainty and poverty are not what enables me to sleep late but the presence of my Savior.  If all those other comforts were stripped away I would know that this life is temporary and what comes after this is perfect, that's a hope that can't even be explained. So again I say: I am EXTREMELY SPOILED!
I am convenced that this spoiling does not come without responsibility, I have so that I can share. I have been given much by worldly standards and should never take that for granted or become entitled, thinking I somehow deserve this life I am blessed with. I am no better than the mother that is up all night worrying about feeding her kids or worse protecting them from people who mean them harm. More importantly I have been given much spiritually as well. Some one took the time to love me enough to share Jesus with me and give me the hope that outlasts everything.  I am no more worthy of that hope than the woman down the street who can't even think about the possibility that better things are coming for her because today is too overwhelming and no on has helped her see otherwise. I pray that I will never take any of this for granted or let my mind wonder to how much more I think I need or deserve. If I can sleep late in peace, confidence and hope then I better be using all the energy I have while I am awake to pass what I have on to others!
"Yet , my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him. Truly He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken." Psalms 62:5-6

Stretching

Do you ever feel like life is so full and demanding that you have to be Elastigirl to get everything done and be all you need to be? You know Elastigirl from The Incredibles, she is the superhero and later mom/superhero that can stretch and contort in all different directions and shapes. She can reach all the way across the room or stretch out to be a parachute when need be. Do you ever wish you could do that kind of thing? Often we might feel like we can't get to where we are going because we just can't stretch that far. Sometimes that is simply because we said yes to somethings we should have said no to and we have overstretched ourselves but other times (and this almost feels worse to me) I really believe God puts us in a place where we need to be elastic to reach things. He wants us to stretch for it. 

I'm honestly there now. I feel too small and inadequate and young to be where I am. I mean lets be honest, I'm not the best at being a grown up.  I do take care of my responsibilities well enough but I don't dress the part, I prefer a messy bun to any other time consuming hair style (don't tell but some days I don't even brush my hair I just pull it up before work) I don't own any make-up except mascara that I only wear on semi-special occasions and I just cannot get into most anything that grown people talk about! So now I find myself in a weird uncomfortable place. My husbands a pastor now, yah without the word "youth" before the word pastor. And if thats not strange and stretching enough there is a sudden explosion of people who I suddenly feel responsible/accountable for (we had over 70 people on the very first Sunday of real services). Don't get me wrong, though this explosion was not at all what we expected, it is amazing and encouraging and well.... crazy. I just don't feel at all equipped to live up to this. So this is probably God asking me to be Elastigirl; to stretch further than I ever thought possible in order to be all He is asking me to be. And the only way I can do that is to trust Him and just reach as far as I can, obeying even if its scary or heavy or unknown. Straining forward to what is ahead and trusting that God is going to show me what to do in the next hours, days, weeks and always! This will require me to let the past stay in the past. I mean I don't want to repeat the past so I need to be wise and carry with me the lessons I have learned but not the guilt and pride and regrets. There is no way that I can hold onto all that AND stretch forward, eventually I will have to let go of the past or give up on the future. Other wise I will likely snap and be totally ineffective.  

I used to run track and cross country in high school and though I cut a lot of corners in practice I did learn a few things about racing. A big one was- Never look back! It slows you down and interrupts your focus. Another one was- Lean into the finish! Even if you feel exhausted that last little push can make a lot of difference in the race results. This applies to our spiritual lives as well! "Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phillippians 3:13-14 Paul is telling us to quit looking back and stretch with all our strength and energy toward what God is calling us to do. 

I will probably never be able to spread my arms across the town like Elastigirl, but if God is calling me to love and serve this town in ways I never expected then I need to be willing to strain toward that with everything in me and trust Him to be sufficient when I obviously am not.  

Serious Mixed Emotions

Several years ago our family experienced an extreme case of mixed emotions.  My brother was set to be married in just a short time when my elderly Penney Daddy aka grandfather took a turn for the worse.  He had been declining for quite some time and his wife of many many years, my precious Mom Bee (yes I know those are some strange names for grandparents) had passed away not to long before. Well long story short my hard working, loving and kind Penney Daddy died just days before the upcoming wedding. Now we were especially close to this set of grandparents, we saw them weekly if not daily for our entire childhood as they lived just minutes from our house and even got us off the school bus most afternoons. We would have big family suppers on the porch with some aunts and cousins on a regular basis when Penney Daddy would bring home KFC for the whole clan or my Mom Bee would fix us something delicious! Our Penney Daddy dying was terribly sad and hard for everyone even if we knew it was coming. And to add to it his youngest grandson was soon going to experience one of the greatest days of his life.  Getting things ready for a wedding a funeral in the same week was not something any of us wanted to do. My mom and her sisters quickly decided to have the funeral almost immediately so we could move forward in the week to the wedding and my Penney Daddy would have wanted it that way! I think the funeral ended up being on a Friday and the wedding the following evening. It was hard for everyone to balance all the emotions of that week! Should we be happy or sad? Should we cry or rejoice or do both in each of the venues? It was certainly not ideal but we all made it and off they went on their honeymoon with a very hard week in their rearview mirror.
I think that maybe I'm experiencing a smaller scale of some seriously mixed emotions of my own right now. I'm not sure how I should feel about anything. I want to cry and rejoice, I want to hold on to the past and let go to move forward. I am conflicted at best. Yesterday we said good bye to a church that has been our home for over four years- two of my girls were baptized there, my "family" is there along with some of the best friends I have ever had, and I have learned and grown so much there- I love that place. So in a way yesterday was like a funeral to me and boy did I cry! It's just hard to let go of something that you put so much of your heart and energy and life into.
But there is something coming on the horizon that I am super excited about! Tommy teased on Facebook for a few weeks now that we had some great news coming and everyone automatically assumed it was a baby announcement and though that is not the announcement is it very much like that! We are going to be pastoring a new church plant, a baby church I guess! A church that has never even had an actual service, it's brand spanking new! I am sure this is where God is leading and I am hopeful that we are going to experience some things that will blow our mind! So I am thrilled and ready to get going and move forward!
Which explains my mixed emotions, funerals and weddings are terrible in the same weekend. A funeral and a new baby would be just as hard. I guess I will just have to embrace the tears amidst the rejoicing for this season. The Bible says "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the  heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance...." I guess it never says those times will have defined boundaries!

Possums Attack

Last week I came home from the gym to the most disturbing sight!!! A POSSUM!!!!! In my opinion these creatures are the most vile and detestable animals in all of creation. I am not sure what happened to me as a child but I am sure there is a repressed memory of a traumatic event involving a possum. They are like huge rats except worse because they play dead and their tails are a mile long (and naked -YUCK)! Anyway this beast was in the back yard with the dogs and when I first saw it I thought my brave and fierce pets had ended its rampage of darkness but boy was I wrong, that little possum was playing possum!!! As soon as the dogs walked away it got up and tried to creep off!!! Well needless to say I freaked out!! I was screaming at my dogs to eat it or dig a hole and bury it or throw it into the neighbors yard. My dogs however thought it was just a toy to play with and they did not heed my frantic requests!

During this time on a normal day I get my coffee and my Bible and spend some Jesus time on the back porch, but this day I was a teense distracted!! I didn't read one verse and I didn't pray about anything except asking God to strike that disgusting monster with lightening!! I wasted a whole hour staring at something I hate because I didn't know where it was going or what it was doing and I sure didn't want it sneaking up behind me.

Then it occurred to me, this possum was just a baby (not at all cute or cuddly though) and what do babies have? Thats right Mamas and Dads and maybe even a whole slew of siblings. And what's worse is they could all be hanging over my head at this very moment. They could have lived in my tree as long as I have lived in this house. But I never worried about them before, I knew they could be anywhere, I mean this IS East Texas. So why was I wasting my precious Jesus time focused on this one little guy that was unlucky enough to show himself in broad daylight? But that is how we are isn't it? We hyper focus on the little things that seem out of control and neglect the things we can control like how we use our time and words. There is constantly a great number of possible "possums" hanging over our heads, anything could spin out of control at any moment, but honestly there is nothing we can do about all that. All we can do is do the best we can with what we have and trust God to take care of all the possibilities. We only have so much time allotted to us to spend as Jesus time, or to do anything for that matter, and I don't wanna waste any more time staring at a disgusting distraction when I could be sipping coffee and hearing from my Father! "Finally brother and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things." Phillipians 4:8. Try to take your eyes off all the possible dangers and distractions in your life and focus on any little good thing you can find and see if your whole outlook doesn't change!
Oh and just for the record- the possum "disappeared" with the help of a friend and I have yet to see any of his family hanging around, though without a doubt they are lurking somewhere! But I have resisted the urge to thoroughly search the treetops and instead actually spend my Jesus time with Jesus.

News From The Derricks

I just thought I should catch everyone up on what's been going on at our house the last few weeks!
I have been having a bunch of tests run at the doctors because I can't seem to stay well the last year or two, I have also been loosing weight unexplainably and have swelling in all my glands. With my family history the doctor was very concerned that it might be some kind of lymphoma or other kind of cancer. I had a CAT scan of my face and sinuses and they found a "mass" blocking the right side of my sinus. My regular doctor couldn't tell what exactly we were dealing with so for the last 2 weeks I have been waiting to get in to a specialist. We felt like it was important to let our youth and church know what we were facing so everyone here has been quite worried about me, pretty much freaking out actually haha. They have been super to check on me and pray for me and we have definitely felt the love! :)
My appointment with the specialist was yesterday and for the first time I got to see the CAT scan and get a little more information about whats going on. The good news is the specialist feels very confident that it is not cancer in my sinus. But it is something that is causing me a lot of trouble. There is a pretty good sized amount of "diseased" tissue in my sinus under and beside my right eye, that extends down into my cheek and up into my forehead. It is so large that is has basically broken my nose on the inside, pushing that small bone over to the opposite eye socket, it is also pressing on the right eye socket causing alot of pain in my eye, face, head and teeth. The doctor said that I have had this for quite a while, maybe 2 years or so and it has been getting progressively worse and bigger. I obviously will need surgery to remove this tissue, clean my sinus out and set my nose back to how it should be. The doctor wanted to do the surgery in late May, but the recovery is 6 weeks, during which I will not be able to go out of town because I will require weekly appointments to insure that things are healing properly. Well if you know me very well you can see where this would be a major problem for me. Summer is our busiest time and youth camp in in early June this year. I would be heart broken if "my kids" went to Alabama and had a unforgettable week with God while I was home. So after a mini fit in the doctor's office I convinced him to put it off just a couple more weeks so I won't miss anything major. He agree and we scheduled the surgery for June 24th.
The sad thing is that is the week we were planning on going to Disney with our family, but he didn't want to postpone it any later, so that will have to be rescheduled for next summer. The girls were pretty understanding, as long as they get to swim all summer they should be pretty happy! I am also going to have a pretty long recovery which will involve me be unable to do almost everything for the first 2 weeks, this is going to be hard for me, but I know that our church family will help Tommy in an abundant way so I'm not too worried! I will probably be going crazy by the end of the 2 weeks haha, but the doctor insures me I will quickly be feeling way better than how awful I have been feeling recently!
So that's the latest! We are so hugely blessed to be a part of a church family that loves us and supports us. We are so hugely blessed that this "mass" is nothing major and once the surgery is done it will be behind us. We are so hugely blessed that the Word of God promises "the Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid and do not be discouraged." We are so hugely blessed that no matter what we are going through or will have to go through in the future we know that God is going to use it for good and for His glory!!

Why God?

Disclaimer: Please do not be offended by what you read here today. This is just me trying to hash things out for myself and sharing it with you! I trust God, I just want to trust Him more!

Sometimes things happen that make me wonder what God was thinking or why He would allow things to happen. When good people experience tragedy, when little children suffer, when God's hand seems to be distance from the circumstances of our lives, these are times when I can't help but question God. This week I have personally seen a few situations that broke my heart and made me want to shake my head at God, and ask Him why. Why would God allow a mother to be taken from her small children? Why would God form a baby in a way that was so broken from birth that he had no chance of long term survival? Why does God not intervene when we are dealing with things and we feel like we are praying to the ceiling? Why God? And the terrible truth is I don't know if I can understand the answers to these questions this side of heaven.

But there are a few things I think I am catching on to. As I wonder why God would allow one small mistake that took less than a minute to be a fatal one, it occurs to me that God probably saves our lives thousands of times through out a week. Think about it; you are running late to work or school, those few minutes could be God preventing a car crash that you would have been involved in had you been on time. Who knows how many times He moves our hand or directs our feet to insure we are safe. I know in my life I rarely think about this. Every day my girls come home safe from school, that is God protecting them and allowing me to have them one more day. Every morning when Tommy and I wake up, that is Him guarding our lives through the night, so we can live for Him another day. Why God would choose to save us a thousand times and then on the thousand and first allow a tragedy I do not know, but am I thankful for the unseen protection and unnoticed rescues? "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21b. I am personally very guilty of not acknowledging all the things that the Lord gives on any given day, but I am quick to questions when He takes things away. I want to be in a place with Him where either way I can praise His name.

Isaiah 55:8-9 “'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.''' I cannot understand why bad things happen especially to little children, they are so helpless and innocent, but I am trying to trust that God's ways and plans and thoughts are in fact higher and better than mine and that in His great love and wisdom He is working things for our good. God is good even when circumstances are bad, I believe that!

There are seasons that I have experienced and am now seeing some one very close to me experience when God seems so distance, like a far off deity that has left us on our own. I know what it is like to feel as though your prayers are going unheard and your suffering is going unnoticed; like God has withdrawn and you are alone. It is a terrible, desperate place to be. In my own life this feeling lasted almost a year once, and caused me to doubt everything I thought I believed. I questioned my salvation, my purpose, God's plan and goodness. I even questioned whether God was even real, and this was all AFTER I had given my life to serve in the ministry, which doesn't even make sense, but it's true. I tried to keep praying and hold fast, but it was so very hard. In numerous places the psalmist has similar feelings and ask how long the Lord would remain silent. I don't know why this happens some times, but I do know that what we feel is not always what's true. God is always faithful and always merciful, no matter how things seem. On the other side of this God "fog" is a place where we can see clearly and understand all that God taught us during the time we had no choice to walk by faith. We grow to cherish the moments when we clearly hear God's voice because we have heard His silence.

So I guess I say all that to echo the father who brought his sick son to Jesus to be healed. “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24) I have faith that God is the best and knows what He is doing, but I need some help to quieting that pesky doubting voice in the back of me head.