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Abs of Steel

Over the weekend I was able to meet up with one of my "kids" who is not so much a kid anymore. She knew me when I only had 2 little girls, when I didn't have any fine line around my eyes and 4 moves ago. I haven't seen her in about a year or two mostly because of my own doing. After we our move from Central Texas to West Texas I neglected many relationships with the students that I loved, mostly because it broke my heart to not be with them anymore. The last few months I have really realized how much "not myself" I had become. There were a couple years of my life that my heart got very hard and I lost a lot of who I was. It happened so quietly that I barely even noticed, but God noticed and He strategically placed people in my life to crack open my rock of a heart and teach me to love freely once again. I think I was scared to love students and others because love is risky and I have learned that in a very real and personal way. People can hurt us, situations change and my heart has been broken, so in an effort to avoid that pain I just closed myself off and played like I was alright and pretended to do ministry, which mostly involved hanging out and having fun, but not getting too attached.

Well needless to say God didn't like my plan, enter the students of Troup, Texas. Over the past maybe 6 months I have had the great privilege of getting to know these students in a way that I cannot help but have my heart broken for them and love them no matter the cost. Only when I

began letting myself become attached to them, did I realize what had happened to my heart. God is again showing me who I am and more importantly who He is and giving me assurance that I can love freely and fearlessly because He loves me and is always enough! He also showed me that in my fear and selfishness I hurt some of my "kids" by letting them think that I didn't love them anymore. And that broke my heart, so here is evidence of the stupidity of me trying to do things my way and protect myself, it didn't save me any heart ache it just wasted precious days of my life and opportunities that I will never have again. The pleasure of being involved in people's lives and seeing God work in them far outweighs the possibility of the pain that can result. Therefore I am letting go, giving up control and letting God use me, with no regard for what might become of me.

I tell you all that to say, my day with my "kid" who is now my friend was amazing! I laughed harder and longer than I have in a very long time. My ab muscles are still feeling the effects of that day!! I pray that God will allow me days to laugh and also to cry with many more of my "kids" in the future. And that I will have abs of steel and never again a heart of steel.