More Transparent??

God has been working on me for a while about being more humble and transparent. This is a hard pill for me to swallow for many reasons but mostly because I feel like I should be strong and have things at least somewhat together. I’m a hot mess and everyone knows that but in my hot messness (pretty sure that is not even a word) there is still a degree of calculation, deciding how far I let that go. I want to be a cute, fit, funny, capable, hard-working, inspirational hot mess that somehow juggles everything well and gets everything done just as it should be if not better! So pretty much I let everyone think I’m a hot mess while I’m working my butt off to keep everything in the air and going to the high standards I set for myself at home and work and everywhere! It’s a little, no a lot, exhausting to be honest. Anyway I say all that to say- I am not as strong and capable as I want to seem. Yesterday was fibromyalgia awareness day. I saw several of my friends post purple butterflies with information about the mysterious condition. It is still unclear to the medical community what causes this condition so it is hard to diagnose. It is also hard to treat since doctors can only treat the symptoms not the actual problem. It has many symptoms and can be confused with other conditions. The main symptoms are: widespread pain and tender point, fatigue, sleep problems, concentration and memory problems, anxiety or depression, morning stiffness, numbness or tingling, headaches, ibs, and painful mentrual cramps.

When I was in high school I had headaches and neck aches every single day. My mom was obviously concerned and took me to the doctor several times trying to get to the bottom of things. My doctor ran all the tests and finally diagnosed me with fibromyalgia. I was a little younger than most people are when they start experiencing symptoms of this condition and it was several years ago when it was even less well known. At that time the doctor told me that the only treatment would be painkillers and he didn’t want me to start them at such a young age. So pretty much I just needed to endure it, which I did for many years. Fast forward to about 6 years ago, I went back to work full time and was now dealing with a different kind of stress than being a stay at home mom with three little girls less than 4 years apart, plus I was over 30 years old. This is when I started experiencing widespread symptoms of fibromyalgia. The severe muscle aches, the tender pressure points, the tingling legs that wouldn’t let me be still long enough to fall asleep, the annoying mental fog and the fatigue. I very rarely ever go to the doctor, but it got to the point that I had no choice, I needed some solutions for all that I was dealing with. My regular doctor referred me to an rheumatologist, since she suspected it was fibromyalgia causing all my symptoms. He ran a lot of blood work and tests to make sure I didn’t have arthritis or lupus, there’s no test to determine if it is in fact fibromyalgia so doctors just have to rule everything else out to diagnose it. He is a very nice man and never made me feel like it was all in my head like some people I have read about experience at the doctor. He prescribed me an anti convulsant medicine since apparently that helps with a lot of the symptoms. At this point I did get a little relief but I would still hurt very bad in the evenings if I did too much, and let’s be real, I’m not a sit down kind of person so I almost always “do too much”. The next time I visited the doctor he added a muscle relaxer to help my body relax so I could sleep at night. This did help very much and I felt more rested in the mornings. But I was still having headaches on a regular basis. So at the next visit, two years after my diagnosis with this doctor he started me on a third medicine- an anti depressants, he said the brain is a complicated organ and the same thing that causes depression may be causing my nerves to send false signals to my brain indicating I have pain that there is not actual reason for me to have. This combination has worked wonders for me, I sleep well almost every night (as long as I have no caffeine after lunch) and I am able to push through and do most of the things I need to do every day. At this point I had gained some weight because I didn’t have the energy to exercise and it honestly was so painful. The doctor recommended that I start doing yoga and easing into some kind of exercise because the benefits would outweigh the negatives. So I started running again, slow and short but pushing myself to do more. About 6 months later my sweet sister-in-law and I ran a half marathon. I literally cried several times during the race because I was just so thankful that I was able to accomplish it. I have been running pretty consistently since then. If I take more than a few weeks off I regret it so much, because building my strength and endurance back up is stupid hard. Two of my crazy friends and I are now training for a whole marathon, 26.2 miles. That’s insane! Like I can’t even fathom it yet. I’m gonna be honest- it’s hard! It’s hard for all three of us! We are all working moms, we all have other responsibilities, we are all hot messes. For me to say that it’s physically harder for me than it would be anyone else is presumptuous since I don’t know how anyone else sleeps or feels or thinks. Some days I can barely take the first few steps of a run, I feel like the tin man, rusted stiff. Once I get warmed up it’s better. The muscle aches and pains from one run never subside before the next run. My body hurts to touch, in fact clothes that are tight or have a certain texture are torture. I very rarely say anything to anyone about it because I don’t want to sound weak or like I’m asking for pity. I want to be Super Mom and Wonder Woman. I want to look strong and be strong and feel strong. I want to be above average in everything I do, I always have. So why am I telling the world all about this now? Well, God. Conviction. Humility. Transparency. And hopefully some inspiration for some one. I do not have it all together. I’m not as strong as I make myself look and I’m struggling most days. I’m tired. So very tired. And I promise you everything hurts. But everything hurts whether I’m pushing myself to run to the next town or not so I might as well do something crazy! I want you to know that you can do something crazy too! Maybe your crazy thing isn’t to run 26.2 miles just to show yourself you can. Maybe you need to get healthy or forgive some one who doesn’t deserve it or learn something new or go back to school or surrender to what you know God’s been asking you to do. Maybe your something crazy is to be real with people even if that makes you feel vulnerable (for example this freaking blog post) or to just stop trying to keep all those dang ducks in a row. I don’t know what that means for you but please please please do more than you think you should do, set big crazy goals, bite off more than you can chew and go for it! And get some people in your corner who don’t let you slack off but push you to keep going even when it’s super hard! The harder something is to attain the more satisfied you feel when you conquer it!! Am I gonna make it to 26.2 miles, will be race day be successful, will I impress everyone? I don’t know but you better believe I am going to keep pushing myself no matter how my body tells me I feel and no matter how tired I am. And I pray you will too!  Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, is struggling with something. No one is exempt! Be kind and encouraging and brave! Cheer for those around you and do something worth cheering for yourself! Life is short! Live big and crazy and conquer things that seem impossible!

Seeing, no BEING, the Hope

So my crazy friends and I are training for a marathon this fall.  We are about 6 week’s into training which means our long Saturday run is up to 9 miles. (I’ll try to write soon about how and why I decided to torture myself and run 26.2 miles). Yesterday we ran from my house to the next town. I hadn’t run all week because my cute “running” shorts wore literally holes in my thighs during last Saturday’s long run. Well this week I was ready to go: ate plenty of meat the day before, had breakfast, wore long spanks, applied glide and asked our friend at the halfway point to put some water on the porch for us. I did ok until a little while before the halfway point, then I started bargaining with myself in my head: maybe we can just run 6 today and run 9 next weekend, to which my friend promptly refused, insisting we do what we planned on doing, which I begrudgingly agreed to. After our water stop we usually start getting separate based on pace and sadly I’m in the back of the pack. At one point yesterday one of my friends was so far ahead of me I couldn’t even see her around the corner. About a mile from our destination, after several huge hills, I was pretty much running by myself and I was just about out of energy.. I was thinking to myself, “why am I even doing this? This is crazy!” Then all of a sudden I saw it, I saw the steeple of the church we were stopping at! It was pretty far away still and I could only see the very top of it, but I knew there was hope and I was almost there. Tommy would be there waiting for us, the car has air conditioning, and if we were lucky he might have something to drink with him. This gave me the mental energy I needed to keep going. It was still hard. I still walked a little here and there. My legs were still feeling like noodles. But I knew I could make it if I just kept going. I don’t think I’ve ever been more thankful for a church having a steeple. Had that steeple not been there, I wouldn’t have been able to see the destination until I was to it because of all the trees and other building between me and that church and I would have surely quit. And since I was by myself I could just think. I thought about that steeple. I thought about why churches have steeples anyway. I thought about how WE are the church (I once went to visit a new mom from our church to bring their family a meal and the little preschool sister screamed “Mom The Church is here!” One of the sweetest things I’ve ever been called!). Then I thought about how we are supposed to be like that steeple. There is a lot of darkness in the world. A lot of  people are hurting and lost and struggling. Little kids just trying to survive, teenagers trying to make sense of it all, adults wondering if they’ll ever catch a break, all thinking “why am I even doing this? This is crazy!” We are meant to be that steeple. Close enough to the rest of the world to be seen. Standing out and standing tall so people can see us over the crazy world. But mostly we should be a place of hope, letting people know that they can keep going and giving them strength to do just that.  Things might not get easier or better in the process, but they will see us and not quit. At work be the steeple that is positive and encourages  your coworkers to see the good and the possibility of each day. At school be the steeple that is brave and treats everyone well, showing that we all have value and purpose. At the store or the gas station be the steeple that really sees people, smiles and is kind. At the gym or movies or wherever you are with your friends be the steeple that does the right thing, is selfless and wants the best for everyone. At home be the steeple by having integrity and being as good there, behind close doors, as you are for the world to see. I pray that  my family and I are a steeple for everyone God puts us in contact with. And that He uses our home and yard and every resource we have as a beacon of hope, comfort and strength. I pray that people will be encouraged to keep going, they don’t have to do it perfectly but they just can’t give up and let the hills and miles of the world defeat them. You have the power and honestly the responsibility to be a steeple for those God has placed in your life. It’s not easy and it’s almost never convenient to stop what you’re doing and give others hope with our words or our actions, but it could quite literally change or even save their life. I may have just sat down on the side of the highway had that steeple not been there calling me to keep going. Don’t let anyone around you give up, stand up tall for them, cheer them on and let them see that there is good in the world and it’s a race worth running. Be a steeple.