News From The Derricks

I just thought I should catch everyone up on what's been going on at our house the last few weeks!
I have been having a bunch of tests run at the doctors because I can't seem to stay well the last year or two, I have also been loosing weight unexplainably and have swelling in all my glands. With my family history the doctor was very concerned that it might be some kind of lymphoma or other kind of cancer. I had a CAT scan of my face and sinuses and they found a "mass" blocking the right side of my sinus. My regular doctor couldn't tell what exactly we were dealing with so for the last 2 weeks I have been waiting to get in to a specialist. We felt like it was important to let our youth and church know what we were facing so everyone here has been quite worried about me, pretty much freaking out actually haha. They have been super to check on me and pray for me and we have definitely felt the love! :)
My appointment with the specialist was yesterday and for the first time I got to see the CAT scan and get a little more information about whats going on. The good news is the specialist feels very confident that it is not cancer in my sinus. But it is something that is causing me a lot of trouble. There is a pretty good sized amount of "diseased" tissue in my sinus under and beside my right eye, that extends down into my cheek and up into my forehead. It is so large that is has basically broken my nose on the inside, pushing that small bone over to the opposite eye socket, it is also pressing on the right eye socket causing alot of pain in my eye, face, head and teeth. The doctor said that I have had this for quite a while, maybe 2 years or so and it has been getting progressively worse and bigger. I obviously will need surgery to remove this tissue, clean my sinus out and set my nose back to how it should be. The doctor wanted to do the surgery in late May, but the recovery is 6 weeks, during which I will not be able to go out of town because I will require weekly appointments to insure that things are healing properly. Well if you know me very well you can see where this would be a major problem for me. Summer is our busiest time and youth camp in in early June this year. I would be heart broken if "my kids" went to Alabama and had a unforgettable week with God while I was home. So after a mini fit in the doctor's office I convinced him to put it off just a couple more weeks so I won't miss anything major. He agree and we scheduled the surgery for June 24th.
The sad thing is that is the week we were planning on going to Disney with our family, but he didn't want to postpone it any later, so that will have to be rescheduled for next summer. The girls were pretty understanding, as long as they get to swim all summer they should be pretty happy! I am also going to have a pretty long recovery which will involve me be unable to do almost everything for the first 2 weeks, this is going to be hard for me, but I know that our church family will help Tommy in an abundant way so I'm not too worried! I will probably be going crazy by the end of the 2 weeks haha, but the doctor insures me I will quickly be feeling way better than how awful I have been feeling recently!
So that's the latest! We are so hugely blessed to be a part of a church family that loves us and supports us. We are so hugely blessed that this "mass" is nothing major and once the surgery is done it will be behind us. We are so hugely blessed that the Word of God promises "the Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid and do not be discouraged." We are so hugely blessed that no matter what we are going through or will have to go through in the future we know that God is going to use it for good and for His glory!!

Why God?

Disclaimer: Please do not be offended by what you read here today. This is just me trying to hash things out for myself and sharing it with you! I trust God, I just want to trust Him more!

Sometimes things happen that make me wonder what God was thinking or why He would allow things to happen. When good people experience tragedy, when little children suffer, when God's hand seems to be distance from the circumstances of our lives, these are times when I can't help but question God. This week I have personally seen a few situations that broke my heart and made me want to shake my head at God, and ask Him why. Why would God allow a mother to be taken from her small children? Why would God form a baby in a way that was so broken from birth that he had no chance of long term survival? Why does God not intervene when we are dealing with things and we feel like we are praying to the ceiling? Why God? And the terrible truth is I don't know if I can understand the answers to these questions this side of heaven.

But there are a few things I think I am catching on to. As I wonder why God would allow one small mistake that took less than a minute to be a fatal one, it occurs to me that God probably saves our lives thousands of times through out a week. Think about it; you are running late to work or school, those few minutes could be God preventing a car crash that you would have been involved in had you been on time. Who knows how many times He moves our hand or directs our feet to insure we are safe. I know in my life I rarely think about this. Every day my girls come home safe from school, that is God protecting them and allowing me to have them one more day. Every morning when Tommy and I wake up, that is Him guarding our lives through the night, so we can live for Him another day. Why God would choose to save us a thousand times and then on the thousand and first allow a tragedy I do not know, but am I thankful for the unseen protection and unnoticed rescues? "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21b. I am personally very guilty of not acknowledging all the things that the Lord gives on any given day, but I am quick to questions when He takes things away. I want to be in a place with Him where either way I can praise His name.

Isaiah 55:8-9 “'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.''' I cannot understand why bad things happen especially to little children, they are so helpless and innocent, but I am trying to trust that God's ways and plans and thoughts are in fact higher and better than mine and that in His great love and wisdom He is working things for our good. God is good even when circumstances are bad, I believe that!

There are seasons that I have experienced and am now seeing some one very close to me experience when God seems so distance, like a far off deity that has left us on our own. I know what it is like to feel as though your prayers are going unheard and your suffering is going unnoticed; like God has withdrawn and you are alone. It is a terrible, desperate place to be. In my own life this feeling lasted almost a year once, and caused me to doubt everything I thought I believed. I questioned my salvation, my purpose, God's plan and goodness. I even questioned whether God was even real, and this was all AFTER I had given my life to serve in the ministry, which doesn't even make sense, but it's true. I tried to keep praying and hold fast, but it was so very hard. In numerous places the psalmist has similar feelings and ask how long the Lord would remain silent. I don't know why this happens some times, but I do know that what we feel is not always what's true. God is always faithful and always merciful, no matter how things seem. On the other side of this God "fog" is a place where we can see clearly and understand all that God taught us during the time we had no choice to walk by faith. We grow to cherish the moments when we clearly hear God's voice because we have heard His silence.

So I guess I say all that to echo the father who brought his sick son to Jesus to be healed. “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24) I have faith that God is the best and knows what He is doing, but I need some help to quieting that pesky doubting voice in the back of me head.

Cute for Christ

When I was growing up, I heard a lot that I was cute. That is fine for a 6 year old, flattering in fact but as I got older I wondered when I would outgrow cute and achieve beauty. I turned 13, still just cute. I turned 16, and got a cute car to go with the cute me. I was cute at prom and graduation. Then I was becoming a woman and though surely I would graduate up to lovely or pretty, but no, I was cute at my own wedding! A few years later I resolved myself to just being a cutie and bitterly gave up on my dream of grown-up beauty, I just don't have the features, the high cheek bones, the small nose, the amazing skin. I am fun and fluttery and silly and I am not dog ugly so that equals cute!!

I don't think I am unlike a lot of girls and even women in the fact that I wonder what others really see when they look at me. Do they see the same me that I see in the mirror? Do they notice every little imperfection that I see? Do they know that I wouldn't mind changing a few of my features? Or are they just worrying about what I think of them while I am worrying about what they think of me?

This used to bother me a lot when I was growing up, I of course wanted people to like me and be pleased with my appearance and especially please with my achievements. I wanted (and still struggle with wanting) people's approval and love and attention for the things that I do. It is partly just my personality, I like to be liked, but its party insecurities. I hate when I even think people are upset with me and I can't stand it if for some reason me and some one don't hit it off! I honestly NEED to be liked.

As I am growing more and more to see who God actually intended me to be, it is getting easier to see myself through more forgiving eyes. My eyes don't pick out the imperfections in my appearance or my approval rating first. They are starting to see past those things to the things that God think are important like how much of myself I am using for Him and how my actions are drawing people to the truth. And I am learning that being cute has its benefits in these areas. If I looked like some one that stepped out of a magazine I would be completely inapproachable, but cute on the other hand puts people at ease. I am normal and my appearance isn't intimidating that is pretty important when trying to build relationship with teenage girls! I guess what I am learning is that God knew what He was doing when He made me... imagine that lol! "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalms 139:14. If cute is what God thinks is amazing and wonderful then who am I to argue. And the same goes for you too, after God formed you, placing every detail exactly like He wanted it, He stepped back to look at His living work of art and declared that IT IS GOOD!!

Slow Down Hill Slide

Over the past few weeks I have been enjoying a nasty case of bronchitis, I am coughing horribly and can't seem to catch my breath. This is extra annoying for me because normally the sickest I get is a sinus infection. I have been feeling not quite right since Christmas and last week it got to the point that a quick trip through Wal-Mart left me completely exhausted. I make a terrible sick person, I hate to rest when I have things that need to be done, so I usually don't, then I wear myself out even further! I think I am on the mends now, but as always God taught me something that I thought I should share.

In December when I started feeling bad it was just a little yuck, nothing I couldn't ignore and live with, but over the next few weeks it progressed slowly but surely; so slowly in fact that I barely noticed. I didn't just wake up last week as sick as a dog, it sneaked up on me. It was a slow decline that I didn't do much about until it got to the point that going to the doctor wasn't an option. Had I gone to the doctor early it might not have taken shots and 4 prescriptions to help just start to feel better, but I waited and let it get pretty nasty before I took it seriously.

I think that is how we are with our spiritual health too. Just a case of the spiritual sniffles, like sleeping in a couple Sundays or being selfish here or there doesn't hurt much, but it rarely stops there. It slowly progresses, soon our Bible gets dusty, next we try to just figure most things out on our own without even consulting the one who made us and planned our every day for us! Then we feel so far from God that we don't know if you can find our way back. It didn't happen all at once, but one day we wake up with a full fledge case of spiritual bronchitis and wonder how in the world we slid so far away from the God we gave our life to when we excepted His Son. Had we address the problems when it was just the sniffles the solution would have been a lot quicker and less painful. Don't get me wrong, we are never too far gone for Jesus to restore us back to right relationship, but the process can be painful if we have let things into our life that need to be removed for us to be healthy again.

I am thankful for doctors and shots and medicine even though none of those things are particularly pleasant because I am starting to feel better and get some of my energy back. I am also thankful for the Great physician who cares so much about my spiritual health that He is willing to discipline me or take what ever necessary steps to help me get well again. He knows that we feel the best and have the most energy when we are close to Him, doing what He made us to do. The devil on the other hand loves for us to let those sniffles go ignored and end up super nasty sick, because then we are miserable and ineffective. Jesus told us that "the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10) Don't choose anything less than a completely full life in Christ, it such a waste to spend your days coughing and out of breath when you could be getting things done and breathing easy! :-)