Christmas Tears- that’s normal right?

I’m not a Pinterest kinda girl, I mean I have a Pinterest account and I spend a lot of time eyeing things but actually pulling most any of those great ideas off is just a little above my level.  I can barely make sure I’m presentable much less plan events, decorate, cook, stage or even match well enough to be Pinterest worthy. That’s true of birthdays, pictures, meals and even all things Christmas. If I had a professional photographer come and document everything there is to see and do at my house for the last month, there is no way it would make it into a magazine, it’s barely worthy of a few likes on Facebook (shout out Mom, thanks for always liking my raggedy posts haha). Our Christmas tree doesn’t have a single matching ornament on it. Nothing is even the same color scheme (how do people  even know what colors go together to make said schemes anyway?) Our tree is covered in ratty paper ornaments, figures that are missing arms (one Mickey is even missing his entire head) and  lots is outdated decorations. There is no rhyme or reason as to where said ornaments are placed, it’s just wherever one of the 7 people who helped decorate thought they should go. My mantle has no stocking, we never had a mantle until one of my sweet adopted church mamas helped me (actually she did like 90% of the work) make one from discarded pallets a couple years ago. The top of the mantle has a mismatched conglomerate of snowmen and Santas and a few angels.  The outside lights are less than professionally done as well, one of the columns has been only half working since the day the lights were hung this year. Our Christmas snacks and cookies are definitely nothing to write home about, just miscellaneous shapes, some with way too many sprinkles, some with none at all. We still haven’t mastered the art of royal icing so don’t expect any cookies to be shiny and perfect looking. I’m terrible at wrapping gifts (I kinda suck at shopping for them as well) so they all usually look like a toddler already tried opening half of them before they are even under the tree. There are never any bows, nothing matches and the recipient’s name is usually written in sharpie across the top. Our Christmas Eve dinner consists of ham, chips, dips, crackers and cheese with way too many sweet things to list. Our Christmas dinner is similar (who am I kidding, it’s more than similar, it’s leftovers, and this year I didn’t even reheat anything, I just let everyone fend for themselves.)The closest thing to a perfectly staged Christmas photo shoot for Christmas cards is a Facebook post of a picture we take at Christmas Eve church, after I beg everyone to just dress nice-ish for one hour. See nothing Pinterest-y about ANY of that.
I see other people and all the things they pull off this time of year and I’m amazed, how is it even possible? Are you even real people? Y’all even make the Elf on the Shelf antics adorable and creative. (I’m so glad I didn’t have to live up to that when my kids were younger!) I see the perfect trees, the lights that are synchronized to music, the cookies that are too pretty to eat, the gifts that were not only thoughtfully chosen in October but look like they were wrapped in the North Pole, and I can’t help but feel a little ashamed or maybe jealous, because I couldn’t even pull all that off if I tried. No one will even come to my house just to look at how beautiful it is
Yesterday was a kinda strange Christmas, there weren’t many gifts. In fact there was only one per kid, because we are headed to go skiing as the whole family’s present instead. We are actually in route now so I will let you know if this whole giving an experience and memories instead of physical stuff was a great idea or a big flop in like 6 days. (We are about 5 hours down the road and have already had several major disagreements, to the point that Tommy actually turned to head home, so if that’s any indication, we should have a fun week 😬) We spent most of the day yesterday playing games and watching movies. I honestly stayed in the same pajamas until bed time and then changed into clean ones and I didn’t even brush my hair (not that unusual for me, I know I know). At one point during the day 6 of us were sitting at the table playing Joker when a song came on that reminded the girls of a song they used to always listen to in the car when they were younger. That lead into Tommy playing about a million songs from The Jonas Brothers, Camp Rock, High School Musocal and Miley Cyrus. The girls knew every words and enthusiastically sang along. It seems like yesterday that we were in that phase of life and watched those movies/shows on repeat. Then the song about the caterpillar turning into a butterfly from the Hannah Montana movie came on and Roo said “Hadley you’re almost that butterfly now, you’re anout to fly away.” I mean it’s not like I didn’t realize that, or haven’t thought about it. I actually can’t stop thinking about it, this season where I see my kids every day is quickly slipping away. In the next 2.5 years we will go from having 4 kids at home to just 1. Hadley and Caed are only 17 months apart so I can barely remember ever only having one kid. And I am not one of those parents who’s counting down the days until I get my life back. I am absolutely dreading having an empty nest. They are my joy and my greatest calling is to be their mama. Maybe I need more kids or maybe I’ll follow them to college or maybe I’ll kust have a break down. Oh wait I already had a break down and I’m sure many more are in my future. As soon as Roo said that the hot tears were spilling from my eyes and I quickly excused myself to have a good cry on the bathroom floor. Everyone has a teary meltdown locked in the bathroom on Christmas afternoon right? In just a couple Chriatmases I’ll have to contend with work and college schedules, soon to be followed by the tug of spouses and in-laws and then babies and who knows what all. The days when my babies are all under my roof at the same time for days on end is almost over. I can’t help but be so saddened by that reality. In fact I’m crying in the car as I type this.
When my kids look back on these Christmases that we spent together I pray they won’t say “can you believe how imperfect Mom was in her Christmas skills!” I hope they will remember the stories behind each ornament, the ones they made or had given to them and especially they ones they received each year from us, commemorating whatever they were into that year. I hope they will remember making cookies together, getting sprinkles everywhere and having fun. I hope they will remember the gifts, not because it was something they thought they had to have but because they were meant to show them we loved them and had listened to them through out the year. I hope that they will always love home and want to be there, not because it was always perfect and beautiful but because they always felt loved and cherished. I hope they will fondly remember our traditions and carry them on and add new ones with their own little families. I hope their houses will be warm and welcoming and as messy as necessary to live life and enjoy the people who God gives them.

Moms of littles hear this, If I could tell my younger self a few things I would say:
Have fun, enjoy each stage and season. Make messes, play games, laugh and be silly. Don’t try to make everything perfect, a homemade birthday cake that turns out to be a mess will be a great memory one day. Your hand-me-down furniture and decorations are good enough. Your kids don’t care if their lunches, meals, bedroom, parties, holidays or anything is Pinterest worthy. They will remember what you did together, how you made them feel and who you shaped them to be. They grow up too fast, I know every granny at church has been telling you that since your baby shower, but trust me it’s sadly so true. Put your phone down, turn the TV off, play, laugh, read, dance, do things together, things that your littles will remember even when they become your bigs! Cut yourself some slack, no one is judging you as hard as you are judging yourself. It’s ok if everything is a hot mess as long as it’s a loving, fun hot mess! Being Pinterest worthy really isn’t going to have the same kind of impact that making memories with your family will have. Cherish these days, they’ll be gone in the blink of an eye.

My Least Favorite Kind of Pie

I haven’t written anything in the last few weeks s because I have been busy traveling and with church stuff, well actually I have been thinking through what wisdom I should share from my recent experiences with life and running and kids, etc, ok ok truth is I’m having a crappy time, I hate to admit it and I absolutely loathe the taste of humble pie. 

As you know I have been training for a marathon.  Everyone knows.  Even if I hadn't publicly announced it, which I did with zeal, everyone would know because 1. I live in a tiny town so I can't exactly sneak around. People see us running during the week to the point that we have "fans" we don't even know and 2.  It's literally what my schedule and most my conversations have revolved around for months.  So here's the problem- I cannot do it.  It honestly makes me feel the heat of tears in my eyes saying that, but sadly at this point it is true.  I have been struggling since early June.  I can't keep up, I am so sore.  I don't finish the longer distances on Saturdays.  If all of us were having these problems I would be ok with it, but all my friends are getting stronger and fitter and faster, while I am getting slower and weaker and exhausted.  I am not sure what is going on with my mind and body but I literally cannot do this right now.  After Saturday runs I am so worn out, I am angry and frustrated and honestly I am embarrassed.  I have been trying to push through and stay positive and not give up, but it is all just feeling impossible.  You might say "Just don't run the marathon, what's the big deal?'  Well for me there are  things that I can't get out of my head that are making my realization that I am most likely not going to be ready for 26.2 miles by November a VERY BIG DEAL to me, so here goes:

I am such a prideful person.  I try to keep it under wraps.  I try to pray it away.  I try to remember where I came from and how insignificant I am.  But the truth is I think I am better than I should.  I think I am smart and strong and capable.  I think I have good ideas and I am wise and a good person.  I think I am tough and capable.  I think I can do anything I decide to do.  I am welling over with stinky, thick pride.  The kind that makes me think I should be faster and more able and mentally/emotionally stronger and more stable and more capable than other people, include myself.  I have worked very hard at getting my crap together in an organized/messy, mature/childlike, capable/silly, nonchalant/very calculated way.  And anything that threatens that is quickly dominated or dismissed by me. I work hard, I make home cooked meals almost every day, my kids are shining citizens and great students, I have been married to the same man, who is a pastor I might add for 18 years, we pay our bills, I eat my vegetables, I go to work on time, I work a second job, I "train" for a marathon- what's not to be impressed with right?  (Wrong!! but hang with me for a few minutes before you get pissed and start texting your friends saying what an arrogant B I am.)  When I was younger, I was the kid that reverse psychology was invented for.  If some one dared tell me I couldn't do something, that is exactly what I was determined to do.  "Don't get married so young it won't work"  "There is no way you can finish college with a husband, a baby and a full-time job" "You can't handle three babies less than 4 years apart a day's drive from any family"  "You won't be able to get a job teaching if you stay home for the 10 years it will take to get all the girls in school"  Challenge accepted and later achieved.  I do not like to be told what I can and cannot do.  I do not like limitations or doubts about my capabilities.  And because of that I work very hard to keep all the things I juggle up in the air and synchronized as well as possible.  So if I want to run a marathon, I will run a marathon.  I will just put the work in and do it.  If I believe I can achieve, isn't that what they have been telling us since Kindergarten?   I have been so dead-set on accomplishing this bucket list item that I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago hoping he would fix me and send me out ready to conquer the world, including Wednesdays' hill runs, Tuesdays' intervals and Saturdays' runs that should now be taking me all the way to Tyler.  Well that didn't turn out how I hoped.  He basically said, you're anemic, you have fibromyalgia, you're nearing 40, you don't sleep enough and you're asking a lot of your body- maybe more than it has to give.  He changed some of my medicine up, gave me a flyer on how to sleep more and sent me away with no answers, pretty much saying run less and wait it out.  I DO NOT want to run less and wait it out, I DO NOT want to come in last every run, I DO NOT want to feel like I have the flu for weeks on end, I DO NOT want to fail at this.  I DO NOT want to fail at anything, especially things that people know I am working towards. So what does any mature God fearing adult do when faced with the tiniest little difficulty, I don't know because I just pouted for several days, moping around, pissed about something as insignificant as a race.  A race Heather, that is like something you do for fun, its a game, but I was (and honestly still am a little) so disappointed in myself because I was going to have to tell people how the training was going when they asked, and I know they will ask.  I am going to have to eat humble pie. When I go back to school next week- humble pie. When I run 2 miles tomorrow while everyone else is running 16 SIXTEEN- humble pie.  When the race day comes around and I am potentially on the side line- humble pie.  I HATE the taste of humble pie.  It tastes bitter and sour and like I don't want it.  I much prefer the sweet taste of winning at everything!

But then a fleeting thought passed my mind about some Bible guy who probably didn't like humble pie either but some how learned to be content with whatever God sent his way.  Paul who once listed off all the reasons he had to be proud and impressed with himself (sound familar0, but quickly said it was all trash compared to knowing Christ (totally still working on that part).  He later said in Phillipians "I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret to being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."  Now I don't know about you but I just want to pluck out that last sentence and "name it claim it"- I can run a marathon because it is Christ who gives me strength.  Pretty much I can do anything.  Sadly, that is not the heart behind this verse, because we have to read it with the verses around us.  He wasn't saying he had the ability to do anything he set his mind to, he was saying he could be content no matter how things were going, because that is what Christ was giving him strength to be.  My body cannot run a marathon right now, and it probably won't happen this fall, hopefully it will happen before I die, but maybe not. I cannot just decide to do something and then do it, not always.  Not this time.  But I can hopefully learn some humility and contentment even when things don't turn out how I want and I am not as capable as I had hoped.  Learning things the hard way sucks ya'll, for those of you who are headstrong and stubborn and inwardly cocky like me, I am sorry, but the hard way seems like the normal way for us. 

So tomorrow I am going to start over, I am going to run 2 miles and then later in the week 3 so on and so on.  I might get to 26.2 by February or May or my 40th birthday or I will walk one when I am 80 or I will have my great grandson push me in one with I'm 99.  Please pray that I can just be content in Who I belong to and what things He gives me strength for each day. (And I am sorry if you still think I am an arrogant B, you're not wrong, and that's not good, but I am a work in progress.)

We have you SURROUNDED

Yesterday was our longest run yet and one tenth of a mile farther than I’ve ever run before in my entire life. 13.2 miles, from my house all the way down 110, through the next town and almost to the edge of Tyler. The humidity was insane and we knew it was going to be rough. The first 8 miles were good (which definitely means I’m getting stronger and in better shape!!) Then as I came into Whitehouse, my back and side started hurting. Like I wanted to cry kind of hurting. I walked a little ways in hopes of breathing and it calming down. But each time I started to run again it was more intense. I was still 5 miles from the destination and I was never going to make it if I walked the rest of the way but it hurt so bad to run, it was like a catch on steroids. After a few minutes of going on like that, I seriously began considering calling my sister-in-law, who was so kindly waiting for all of us at the 10 mike mark as our second water stop. She could come get me, I could be put out of my misery for the day and it would be fine. As I debated with myself a few interesting things happened. 1. At least four people drove by flashing their lights, gently honking or waving madly as me. I didn’t recognize any of them but it was clear that they knew me or of our little running crew or were runners themselves. 2. My friend’s husband pulled up next to me and offered me a cold bottle of water. It was exactly what I needed to not only cool me off but lift my spirit. He didn’t say anything about me walking, he didn’t ask how far ahead the others were. He just gave me water and told me to keep it up! 3. I remembered that my before mentioned sister in law/cheerleader was just up ahead and I could at least make it to her. I’m not gonna lie I walked the entire two miles between where I was and where
she was at Brookshire’s, but I wasn’t sad or disappointed or frustrated. I was thankful for the morning, the breeze, the cold water, the anonymous encouragement from potential strangers. I remembered how many people ask me about how I’m feeling and how running is going on a daily basis. I remembered how none of us go a day without some random person asking one of us about about how far we ran and what our plans are and what we are training for. We always tease each other about how “famous” we are. But in all honesty people are watching, so many people are cheering for us and invested in this little bucket list item. Even if I wanted to give up I couldn’t do it without dozens of people asking what happened and offering their help and encouragement. As I strolled through town it occurred to me that we are really surrounded my such a great cloud of witnesses- people who pray for and encourage and help and believe and push and sacrifice to make sure we keep going. I’m not sure why our craziness has struck a cord with people but it seems to have done just that. People want us to be successful, they genuinely do. I stopped for just a second at Brookshire’s where Aleyna reminded me that I just had 3 miles to go and 3 miles is not much at all, that’s less that we do on our easiest days. That little bit of encouragement pushed me to run the majority of the remaining distance (except for the hill of death after the toll road). As I walked up that last hill I kept thinking, why have my #marathonmamas not given up on me and driven to pick me up? Why are they sitting in the air drinking Gatorade letting me suffer? Then I rounded the corner into the parking lot and there they were cheering  and videoing me as I struggled across the “finish line”. I hated them for not coming to get me but I loved them for it even more. They believed in me too, even though I was ridiculously slow and they waited there for me for forever, they weren’t letting me give up. They are also my great cloud of witnesses.

The Bible talks about how we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses that help enable us to run the race of faith. I am understanding more and more what that means In a personal way. I know it’s talking about all the people of faith that have gone before us and how that should be enough to empower us to keep going, knowing that we are not going it alone and we are not the first to have struggled down the roads of faith. If a horn honk, an encouraging text, a bottle of water, or genuine interest in our marathon plans can keep me going down the road and the Bible clearly draws a parallel between our faith and runnng a race it would be irresponsible to let the common threads go unnoticed. I’ve honestly been struggling in my spiritual life as well lately, barely stumbling along, tired and frustrated and discouraged, much like all my long runs go haha. But seriously it is just so hard to stay consistent and unwavering when church and life and everything in between is frustrating at very best. As I ran the last 3 ish miles yesterday I was so thankful for those people who helped me keep going and I began thinking about that verse-. Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.( Hebrews 12:1-2) What if our churches and families and friends really were a great cloud of witnesses  for us as far as our faith is concerned like all these people have become as we train for a marathon? What if we had people checking on us daily asking how things were going with Jesus? What if when people saw us struggling to keep going they stopped to help? What if people knew us well enough to even noticed we were struggling? What if we were honest with each other and instead of trying to look like we have our crap together we were just honest and real and unashamed of our real condition? Don’t get me wrong, I’m as guilty as anyone, I don’t often ask people how they Jesus time is going or what they are struggling with or what is challenging their faith. I don’t invade people’s faith lives without an invitation and even then I get distracted and impatient quickly. I should be part of a great cloud of witness for everyone around me, I should be cheering and encouraging and offering help and prayers every day. I should be willing to ask questions and sincerely want to invest in people’s lives no matter where they are on the road of faith. I also so desperately need a great cloud of witnesses investing in me. I need people to know me and see me and ask me how I really am. I need them to see me fail and push me to keep going and not take my excuses. I need people to let me be real and not just expect me to be a certain way because I happen to me married to some one who gets paid by a church. We struggle. We have stress. We are stupid. We are tired. We don’t know what the heck we are doing. We need people to speak truth over us when our ears are too overwhelmed to hear from God. We need those witnesses saying- I’ve been there and survived you can do this too. Or I see that you are walking when you should be running, I’m praying for you. Or I know you’re a hot mess, let’s do this together. As a runner I need that. As a mom I need that. As a wife I need that. As a teacher I need that. As a pastor’s wife I absolutely need that. If you have the opportunity to be part of some one’s cloud of witnesses, pushing them to keep their eyes on Jesus and run the race well, PLEASE do that! You have no idea how close that person may be to just giving up without your words and love and help. We cannot do this alone. And we were never meant to, let’s for real do life together and finish the race well! I am going to keep running. I am 10 of the 13 miles this week and even though that is short of the goal, it’s nothing to scoff at. Please keep encouraging and believe in us! Otherwise we won’t make it to race day! And I’m going to keep trying to figure out this faith journey! Please help me! And make me help you! 

Fear is a Liar

I don’t know what I’m writing about today. I just know I need to write. I’m hoping God kinda fleshes this out as I go. So be prepared for some incoherent ramblings. Saturday we ran from my house, 12 miles, to the other side of the next town. I did everything right the day before and morning of. I was ready. New shoes, plenty of protein, hydrated, well rested, the whole nine yards. The first 5 miles was great- I felt strong and happy to be running. We stopped for water and some sugar and I was eager to keep going. My cardio is getting to the point that after 6 ish miles I don’t have to concentrate on breathing because I’m barely breathing hard, I’m just cruising. I’m slower than everyone else but what’s new. Then about 10 miles in I just can’t anymore. My legs are done and my brain is screaming for me to walk. And I’m sad to say I gave into that temptation. I walk/ran (mostly walked) the last couple of miles. Everyone was waiting on my forever to get there so we could

head home. I was so embarrassed and frustrated with myself. I felt so discouraged,  this was my idea to start with, but I’m definitely the weakest link and honestly unsure if I can do 26.2 miles even if I had a million weeks to prepare (its 22 weeks until race day). Maybe I’m not mentally tough enough, maybe my legs aren’t made for this, maybe it’s not worth it. I was fighting tears and feeling so upset the rest of the day. I feel like I’m working as hard as everyone else but not seeing the results. It’s still such a struggle for me. My pride and competitive nature were so mad!! I wanted to think of any possible explanation (excuse) for my difficulty. Hadley had surgery, I’m stressed and sleep deprived. I’m older than my friends I train with. I teach closet classes at 4:00AM. I have fibromyalgia that makes me fatigued and in pain most of the time.  Both my feet have giant blisters. I have a lot on my plate. The list goes on and on. But those are all just big fat excuses. None of that is new and none of that makes it impossible for me to do what I set out to do. But when I’m 9.5 miles in and there’s no one in my ear telling me I can do this, my brain comes up with all the thousands of reasons it’s ok to give up. “You will do better next week” “Walking up one hill won’t hurt” “That pain in your thighs is intense” “You’ve lost a gallon of fluids already in sweat” “This is ridiculous why are you even attempting it?” So much doubt and fear and negativity. I try hard to will myself to think “You had 3 babies, you can do this” “2 more miles is nothing compared to what you’ve already done” “The feeling of accomplishment will far out weigh the pain your legs are feeling now, and they will feel better shortly anyway” “Your body was made for this, just keeping going” “Your friend Trey and countless others are working so hard physically and sacrificing so much to protect this country” “90 year old women run marathons” but it’s hard to keep those thoughts in front.

If we are being honest I guess I do this in regular life as well, I let myself make excuses and I settle for the results. For example the first 10 or so years of my marriage I let negative thoughts that steamed from my childhood override the truth I was experiencing. “If I can’t trust my own dad to love, cherish and be honest with me then I for sure can’t trust Tommy”. I let that color the way I saw, heard and reacted to everything, even though it wasn’t how things actually were at all, Tommy has never once given me a reason to doubt his faithfulness. Or how I’m now allowing myself to be distant from our church people (I know that’s a terrible thing for a pastor’s wife to admit) because in my experience church people are hurtful and heartless, especially to the staff they hire. My church people are literally the best of the best so I have no reason to let these negative thoughts take center stage, but it’s what I’m doing currently.

If I were guessing I’d say most people do this, we make excuses for ourselves and let negativity and fear rule our lives. Those who had hard childhoods might allow that to color the way they see their present day. Those who have experienced tragedy and loss might live in fear or be afraid to take a chance that could lead to further heart break. Those who’ve made mistakes might feel like they are a lost cause so why even try to make better choices in the future, thinking the damage has already been done. This is one of the main ways the devils keeps us from living the abundant life God promises us. He whispers these lies to us and we sink our teeth into them, refusing to hear truth. We feel damaged, screwed up, weak, incapable, tired, frustrated, worried, doubtful, cheated, uneasy, and so very scared. We probably don’t admit this to anyone, including ourselves, because, well our pride likes to hide any perceived shortcomings so people will think more highly of us. But that’s the devil too, he wants us to feel isolated, ashamed, alone, unworthy and embarrassed. God however wants us to be honest with each other and share our burdens. Negative thoughts and feelings are as much, if not more, of a burden than anything we physically suffer with. If we let people into our brains and hearts they can help us combat what’s consuming us. It’s hard and humbling but so worth it. We also need to be honest with God about these kinds of thoughts, He obviously knows everything before we tell Him, but talking to Him about it opens up the line of communication so He can begin cleaning this out and replacing the lies with His truths.

So I have a choice to make: I can let what happened Saturday snowball on me and bring me to the place where I will inevitably quit training and will forever be disappointed that I didn’t accomplish this hard task and mark it off my bucket list. OR I can be real about my struggles, talk to my #marathonmamas, and whoever else is not already sick of hearing me talk about running, and talk to God asking Him to replace the devil’s lies with His truths. If I do the latter, I’m sure I’ll still struggle, I’ll have good runs and bad runs, I’ll still have to fight the thoughts urging me to quit (and they still may even win occasionally) but I WILL NOT give up! I’ll keep pushing and working and sweating. We all have a choice to make, begin digging out of the fear or continue to drown in it. If I can share in your burdens I’d love the privilege of doing so, or call your mom or best friend or pastor. Don’t continue feeding yourself things that allow the fear and worry and negativity to grow- keep pushing, do hard things, keep going when you want to quit, give yourself the chance to surprise yourself with all you can do! Try again. And again. Tomorrow starts a new week of training. And it’s going to suck- but I want to get stronger and use my body and energy well, so I’m going to give it all I’ve got! Let live life that way too! The things we have to work the hardest for are sweetest in the end! If running a marathon was easy more than 1% of the population would do it. If staying faithfully married was easy, more than half of marriages wouldn’t end in divorce. If breaking the cycle of family issues or addiction was easy it wouldn’t be called a cycle. Life is really hard- we need God’s truth and light and help and encouragement to keep going.

🐢 Slow Down 🐢

As a runner the last things I want to do is slow down or worse stop mid run. I want to be fast and fit and impressive. But let’s be honest, after  running very far, I’m barely crawling along. Some days I can do 6 at a decent pace, other days 4 is a challenge. But always past 8 I’m not moving very fast and my goal becomes walk as little as possible and under no circumstances stop completely. I try to stay up with my friends as long as possible before I inevitably fall behind. Yesterday was an exceptionally hard run for me, maybe because I haven’t slept much since Hadley had surgery on Wednesday and I haven’t run since last Saturday. I don’t know, but after our water stop I was struggling. I have to talk to myself every run and tell my body to do what I say and not what it wants to do. Keep going. You can do this. Pick up your knees. Relax. Keep breathing. Yesterday’s run was no different, I was talking to myself and still struggling to keep going. My stomach was hurting, it was hot, I was tired and I needed a bathroom, so the goal changed. Keep moving and make it to the first open bathroom in Whitehouse haha! (It’s funny now, it was NOT funny then). I was forced to slow way down, unless I was willing to trudge off into the woods and take care of my business! As I walked down the highway, I was so mad, why did my stomach have to hurt on a Saturday? Then I heard the birds singing, I looked around and saw dozens of little song birds flying around over my head and out over a pond. I looked at the little pillar of sunlight coming through the sky full of clouds. I noticed that there were at least fifteen shades of green in the trees and grasses right around me. I saw the cows hiding under the trees and stomping through the pond to avoid the heat. I drive this stretch of road all the time and I’ve run this same path 4-5 times now and I’ve never noticed any of these things. I had to slow down even more than usual  to see what was around me. As much as I hated going slow and not feeling great about my run, I could be thankful for it because it really was beautiful. That’s how life is too, we go so fast that we are missing out on the beauty that is around us, the kids laughing or the wildflowers blooming, the crickets chirping or shooting stars. We take for granted all this and so much more, that is if we even see it at all! I’m thinking all of this as I’m walking slowly toward town, trying to spot a restroom that’s open so early in the morning, and wondering how much I’m missing during my every day life because my attention is averted, my brain is tired, my hands are busy and my feet are always moving. I’m thinking “oh what a lovely little blog post this will make, encouraging people to slow down and enjoy the little things.” Then God was like “I’ll see your things you notice when you slow down and raise ya a much more important revelation!” By now it was probably 7:30 so there were much more traffic that there had been earlier, I was being forced to run/walk on the shoulder instead of our preferred route in the middle of the lane. I was looking out toward the opposite shoulder listening to the birds when I noticed a turtle in the road. He had clearly just crawled up out of a nearby pond or riverbed, in fact he was still wet and muddy. He made it across the far shoulder and most of the east bound traffic’s lane. He was just inches from being run over several times in the moments right after I spotted him. He needed to get to the center stripe and then safely across the west bound traffic without getting crushed. Every time a car flew past he would quickly tuck his head and legs back into his shell. The cars were going so fast they probably had no idea there was even a turtle in the road. They weren’t try to scare him or hurt him, they were just going on about their lives. That’s when I decided that the least I could do what move him to the shoulder on my side of the street so he could safely go off into the woods. I waited until there was no one coming and I trotted over and picked him up. He was pretty big and it took both hands for the to grab him. For a split second I wondered what kind of turtle he was and if he would bite me and not let go until he hears thunder or something (I don’t know where I even got that, maybe from my grandma decades ago), but I didn’t have time to think it through much, there would be more cars and semi-trucks speeding toward us.l very soon. I quickly scooped him up and ran across and placed him safely to go on about his life. He was even muddier than he looked but I was already drenched in sweat so muddy hands were ok. As I sat him down, I thought about what might have happened to him if my stomach had cooperated and I had been running at my regular pace. The truth is even if I had noticed him I probably would not have stopped what I was doing to wait on cars and go save a turtle. That’s me in real life too, always going, always busy, always moving from one thing to the next. How much beauty am I missing out on? But more importantly how many people around me need something and I’m too preoccupied to notice? Crossing  the highway is hard for a turtle. Raising kids is hard for a single mom or dad. Staying married is hard for... well pretty much everyone. Applying for college and financial aid is hard for a first generation college student. Juggling everything is hard for the perfectionist. Staying afloat a especially hard for anyone who struggles with anxiety or depression or just has their hands way too full. Life is hard. We aren’t in heaven yet so there is just no way of getting around the highways that we have to cross. The turtle and I didn’t really have a lot of time to talk but I’d like that think he appreciated me saving him from getting crushed by huge wheels as he was just trying to live life. We can do the same thing for people we cross paths with. We can show kindness to the mom who can’t find her wallet in between the kids’ screaming in the store check out line. We can encourage and uplift those who are struggling to see their worth or that things will eventually get better. We can share what we have already learned the hard way, so that college kid or newly wed or new parent can be one step ahead of where they would be if we just sped on by. This takes time and energy and it requires us to SLOW DOWN. We aren’t used to this in our busy, self-focused lives, but I know personally I could use help crossing the road sometimes. And if I can help make some one else’s journey easier then it’s worth whatever forced me to slow down (even if it’s runner’s trots. Google it, it’s a real thing). We might get bit or dirty. We might be even later to wherever we are rushing to. We might have to do something we weren’t planning on doing. But if you were a turtle in the middle of the highway wouldn’t you be praying and begging with anyone who would listen for a helping hand? We are all the turtle at times and we are all in a position to help at times. Take help graciously when it’s offered. And slow down so you can notice those around you that are struggling and do what you can to make things a little easier for them. 

More Transparent??

God has been working on me for a while about being more humble and transparent. This is a hard pill for me to swallow for many reasons but mostly because I feel like I should be strong and have things at least somewhat together. I’m a hot mess and everyone knows that but in my hot messness (pretty sure that is not even a word) there is still a degree of calculation, deciding how far I let that go. I want to be a cute, fit, funny, capable, hard-working, inspirational hot mess that somehow juggles everything well and gets everything done just as it should be if not better! So pretty much I let everyone think I’m a hot mess while I’m working my butt off to keep everything in the air and going to the high standards I set for myself at home and work and everywhere! It’s a little, no a lot, exhausting to be honest. Anyway I say all that to say- I am not as strong and capable as I want to seem. Yesterday was fibromyalgia awareness day. I saw several of my friends post purple butterflies with information about the mysterious condition. It is still unclear to the medical community what causes this condition so it is hard to diagnose. It is also hard to treat since doctors can only treat the symptoms not the actual problem. It has many symptoms and can be confused with other conditions. The main symptoms are: widespread pain and tender point, fatigue, sleep problems, concentration and memory problems, anxiety or depression, morning stiffness, numbness or tingling, headaches, ibs, and painful mentrual cramps.

When I was in high school I had headaches and neck aches every single day. My mom was obviously concerned and took me to the doctor several times trying to get to the bottom of things. My doctor ran all the tests and finally diagnosed me with fibromyalgia. I was a little younger than most people are when they start experiencing symptoms of this condition and it was several years ago when it was even less well known. At that time the doctor told me that the only treatment would be painkillers and he didn’t want me to start them at such a young age. So pretty much I just needed to endure it, which I did for many years. Fast forward to about 6 years ago, I went back to work full time and was now dealing with a different kind of stress than being a stay at home mom with three little girls less than 4 years apart, plus I was over 30 years old. This is when I started experiencing widespread symptoms of fibromyalgia. The severe muscle aches, the tender pressure points, the tingling legs that wouldn’t let me be still long enough to fall asleep, the annoying mental fog and the fatigue. I very rarely ever go to the doctor, but it got to the point that I had no choice, I needed some solutions for all that I was dealing with. My regular doctor referred me to an rheumatologist, since she suspected it was fibromyalgia causing all my symptoms. He ran a lot of blood work and tests to make sure I didn’t have arthritis or lupus, there’s no test to determine if it is in fact fibromyalgia so doctors just have to rule everything else out to diagnose it. He is a very nice man and never made me feel like it was all in my head like some people I have read about experience at the doctor. He prescribed me an anti convulsant medicine since apparently that helps with a lot of the symptoms. At this point I did get a little relief but I would still hurt very bad in the evenings if I did too much, and let’s be real, I’m not a sit down kind of person so I almost always “do too much”. The next time I visited the doctor he added a muscle relaxer to help my body relax so I could sleep at night. This did help very much and I felt more rested in the mornings. But I was still having headaches on a regular basis. So at the next visit, two years after my diagnosis with this doctor he started me on a third medicine- an anti depressants, he said the brain is a complicated organ and the same thing that causes depression may be causing my nerves to send false signals to my brain indicating I have pain that there is not actual reason for me to have. This combination has worked wonders for me, I sleep well almost every night (as long as I have no caffeine after lunch) and I am able to push through and do most of the things I need to do every day. At this point I had gained some weight because I didn’t have the energy to exercise and it honestly was so painful. The doctor recommended that I start doing yoga and easing into some kind of exercise because the benefits would outweigh the negatives. So I started running again, slow and short but pushing myself to do more. About 6 months later my sweet sister-in-law and I ran a half marathon. I literally cried several times during the race because I was just so thankful that I was able to accomplish it. I have been running pretty consistently since then. If I take more than a few weeks off I regret it so much, because building my strength and endurance back up is stupid hard. Two of my crazy friends and I are now training for a whole marathon, 26.2 miles. That’s insane! Like I can’t even fathom it yet. I’m gonna be honest- it’s hard! It’s hard for all three of us! We are all working moms, we all have other responsibilities, we are all hot messes. For me to say that it’s physically harder for me than it would be anyone else is presumptuous since I don’t know how anyone else sleeps or feels or thinks. Some days I can barely take the first few steps of a run, I feel like the tin man, rusted stiff. Once I get warmed up it’s better. The muscle aches and pains from one run never subside before the next run. My body hurts to touch, in fact clothes that are tight or have a certain texture are torture. I very rarely say anything to anyone about it because I don’t want to sound weak or like I’m asking for pity. I want to be Super Mom and Wonder Woman. I want to look strong and be strong and feel strong. I want to be above average in everything I do, I always have. So why am I telling the world all about this now? Well, God. Conviction. Humility. Transparency. And hopefully some inspiration for some one. I do not have it all together. I’m not as strong as I make myself look and I’m struggling most days. I’m tired. So very tired. And I promise you everything hurts. But everything hurts whether I’m pushing myself to run to the next town or not so I might as well do something crazy! I want you to know that you can do something crazy too! Maybe your crazy thing isn’t to run 26.2 miles just to show yourself you can. Maybe you need to get healthy or forgive some one who doesn’t deserve it or learn something new or go back to school or surrender to what you know God’s been asking you to do. Maybe your something crazy is to be real with people even if that makes you feel vulnerable (for example this freaking blog post) or to just stop trying to keep all those dang ducks in a row. I don’t know what that means for you but please please please do more than you think you should do, set big crazy goals, bite off more than you can chew and go for it! And get some people in your corner who don’t let you slack off but push you to keep going even when it’s super hard! The harder something is to attain the more satisfied you feel when you conquer it!! Am I gonna make it to 26.2 miles, will be race day be successful, will I impress everyone? I don’t know but you better believe I am going to keep pushing myself no matter how my body tells me I feel and no matter how tired I am. And I pray you will too!  Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, is struggling with something. No one is exempt! Be kind and encouraging and brave! Cheer for those around you and do something worth cheering for yourself! Life is short! Live big and crazy and conquer things that seem impossible!

Seeing, no BEING, the Hope

So my crazy friends and I are training for a marathon this fall.  We are about 6 week’s into training which means our long Saturday run is up to 9 miles. (I’ll try to write soon about how and why I decided to torture myself and run 26.2 miles). Yesterday we ran from my house to the next town. I hadn’t run all week because my cute “running” shorts wore literally holes in my thighs during last Saturday’s long run. Well this week I was ready to go: ate plenty of meat the day before, had breakfast, wore long spanks, applied glide and asked our friend at the halfway point to put some water on the porch for us. I did ok until a little while before the halfway point, then I started bargaining with myself in my head: maybe we can just run 6 today and run 9 next weekend, to which my friend promptly refused, insisting we do what we planned on doing, which I begrudgingly agreed to. After our water stop we usually start getting separate based on pace and sadly I’m in the back of the pack. At one point yesterday one of my friends was so far ahead of me I couldn’t even see her around the corner. About a mile from our destination, after several huge hills, I was pretty much running by myself and I was just about out of energy.. I was thinking to myself, “why am I even doing this? This is crazy!” Then all of a sudden I saw it, I saw the steeple of the church we were stopping at! It was pretty far away still and I could only see the very top of it, but I knew there was hope and I was almost there. Tommy would be there waiting for us, the car has air conditioning, and if we were lucky he might have something to drink with him. This gave me the mental energy I needed to keep going. It was still hard. I still walked a little here and there. My legs were still feeling like noodles. But I knew I could make it if I just kept going. I don’t think I’ve ever been more thankful for a church having a steeple. Had that steeple not been there, I wouldn’t have been able to see the destination until I was to it because of all the trees and other building between me and that church and I would have surely quit. And since I was by myself I could just think. I thought about that steeple. I thought about why churches have steeples anyway. I thought about how WE are the church (I once went to visit a new mom from our church to bring their family a meal and the little preschool sister screamed “Mom The Church is here!” One of the sweetest things I’ve ever been called!). Then I thought about how we are supposed to be like that steeple. There is a lot of darkness in the world. A lot of  people are hurting and lost and struggling. Little kids just trying to survive, teenagers trying to make sense of it all, adults wondering if they’ll ever catch a break, all thinking “why am I even doing this? This is crazy!” We are meant to be that steeple. Close enough to the rest of the world to be seen. Standing out and standing tall so people can see us over the crazy world. But mostly we should be a place of hope, letting people know that they can keep going and giving them strength to do just that.  Things might not get easier or better in the process, but they will see us and not quit. At work be the steeple that is positive and encourages  your coworkers to see the good and the possibility of each day. At school be the steeple that is brave and treats everyone well, showing that we all have value and purpose. At the store or the gas station be the steeple that really sees people, smiles and is kind. At the gym or movies or wherever you are with your friends be the steeple that does the right thing, is selfless and wants the best for everyone. At home be the steeple by having integrity and being as good there, behind close doors, as you are for the world to see. I pray that  my family and I are a steeple for everyone God puts us in contact with. And that He uses our home and yard and every resource we have as a beacon of hope, comfort and strength. I pray that people will be encouraged to keep going, they don’t have to do it perfectly but they just can’t give up and let the hills and miles of the world defeat them. You have the power and honestly the responsibility to be a steeple for those God has placed in your life. It’s not easy and it’s almost never convenient to stop what you’re doing and give others hope with our words or our actions, but it could quite literally change or even save their life. I may have just sat down on the side of the highway had that steeple not been there calling me to keep going. Don’t let anyone around you give up, stand up tall for them, cheer them on and let them see that there is good in the world and it’s a race worth running. Be a steeple.

Miracles from trash

I’m a gardener. An amateur gardener. A lazy amateur gardener with very few tools, space or experience. But last year we got loads of cucumbers, peppers, onions and tomatoes. Nothing else produced much but it was fun to have a reason to dig in the dirt none the less.  I already have some good looking potatoes coming up, tiny spinach and carrots, onions that are looking kinda sad, a couple ok looking cucumber and spaghetti squash plants as well as quite a few tomato plants. I was pretty proud of what I had grown. Until Cheney found the actual beanstalk that Jack climbed so long ago, growing in a surprising place. It is huge and puts all my tiny weak little plants to shame. I’ve watered my plants and lazily weeded around them a little. I’ve tried to keep the ants out. I even planted them with the spacing recommended on the seed packet during the right week of the year. They have pretty great growing conditions and they will eventually probably produce some veggies I can force my family to eat. BUT that “beanstalk” oh my goodness. It’s stalk is so thick, it’s leaves are so green, it’s huge and beautiful. And it’s growing in trash. For the last two year we have been putting our fruit, vegetable and other vegan kitchen scraps a blue rubber made tub that I drilled holes in. I got lazy and tired of carrying everything out there daily so it’s been sitting in the backyard forgotten for months. The lid blew away at some point and no one has been mixing it or checking the moisture like a good composted would do. Yet somehow that is where this huge plant is growing. It’s a seed from one of the many things we chunked in there and judging from the leaves it’s probably in the squash/melon family. It looks like a redwood tree compared to my little plants. It is also surrounded by orange peals, egg shells and some plant parts I honestly can’t tell what are. It’s a trash heap. This got me thinking, maybe our lives are like plants. There are times when conditions are great and everything is smooth sailing and it seems we have all we need. There are also times we nothing goes right and we are surrounded by tragedy, difficulties, disappointments and uncertainty. Will we have what we need? Can we survive what’s happening? It seems counterintuitive but from my experience we rarely make great emiphanies or growth toward maturity in the easy breezy times. On the contrary,  the greatest growth often comes during the most trying times. When work is exhausting and you can’t seem to catch a break and it’s pouring on you. When your marriage seems hopeless and beyond hope. When the doctor doesn’t say what you were praying he would. When death comes much earlier than anyone expected. When you’re dreams are crushed and it seems nothing good will ever be realized. When you’re in the trash heap, God shows up and does what only he can do, he makes beautiful things out of the worst situations. When things are easy and we are well provides for, we get comfy and content and lazy so there isn’t much motivation or perceived need for growth or change. But when we are covered in crap we are more than willing to call out to God and ask for help, and help He does! He fills us up and heals our hearts and helps us see or understand, he comforts us and all along the way he’s changing us to be bigger and stronger and more like him. Occasionally he scoops us right up out of the mess and gives us a better place, but most of the time we have to stay right where we are, in the trash heap, and he uses that to bring about his will in and through us. So if things are less than great and you’re not sure if anything will ever be right again please talk to the gardener who can use right where you are to grow you into a giant in the faith. Another thing about my trash heap plant is it’s a mystery. I can guess what it is but I can’t be certain just yet. Eventually it’s going to tell me what it is by the fruit it grows. God’s work in us can be very much like that. It’s hard to see and understand what he’s doing, especially when there’s trash all around and things are so hard. We can’t see the big picture and we don’t know the outcome, but God knows what he’s growing and in time He will show us and we will be able to enjoy the fruit of it. Maybe He’s growing patience, or perseverance or forgiveness or character or priorities or hope. Maybe He’s growing strength or humility or compassion or clarity. No matter what he’s growing we can be sure that it’s going to  be something good if we can hang on. I know there are so many people sitting in the trash heap surrounded by broken things and left over pieces of dreams and faith, and that’s a hard, hard place to be, but take heart, God can use that to grow the biggest most beautiful version of you for his glory and your good. Trust him and listen to him and let him have his way and you’ll be so glad you did. I’ll keep you posted on my mystery compost plant! We can find out what God’s up

 to together!