We have you SURROUNDED

Yesterday was our longest run yet and one tenth of a mile farther than I’ve ever run before in my entire life. 13.2 miles, from my house all the way down 110, through the next town and almost to the edge of Tyler. The humidity was insane and we knew it was going to be rough. The first 8 miles were good (which definitely means I’m getting stronger and in better shape!!) Then as I came into Whitehouse, my back and side started hurting. Like I wanted to cry kind of hurting. I walked a little ways in hopes of breathing and it calming down. But each time I started to run again it was more intense. I was still 5 miles from the destination and I was never going to make it if I walked the rest of the way but it hurt so bad to run, it was like a catch on steroids. After a few minutes of going on like that, I seriously began considering calling my sister-in-law, who was so kindly waiting for all of us at the 10 mike mark as our second water stop. She could come get me, I could be put out of my misery for the day and it would be fine. As I debated with myself a few interesting things happened. 1. At least four people drove by flashing their lights, gently honking or waving madly as me. I didn’t recognize any of them but it was clear that they knew me or of our little running crew or were runners themselves. 2. My friend’s husband pulled up next to me and offered me a cold bottle of water. It was exactly what I needed to not only cool me off but lift my spirit. He didn’t say anything about me walking, he didn’t ask how far ahead the others were. He just gave me water and told me to keep it up! 3. I remembered that my before mentioned sister in law/cheerleader was just up ahead and I could at least make it to her. I’m not gonna lie I walked the entire two miles between where I was and where
she was at Brookshire’s, but I wasn’t sad or disappointed or frustrated. I was thankful for the morning, the breeze, the cold water, the anonymous encouragement from potential strangers. I remembered how many people ask me about how I’m feeling and how running is going on a daily basis. I remembered how none of us go a day without some random person asking one of us about about how far we ran and what our plans are and what we are training for. We always tease each other about how “famous” we are. But in all honesty people are watching, so many people are cheering for us and invested in this little bucket list item. Even if I wanted to give up I couldn’t do it without dozens of people asking what happened and offering their help and encouragement. As I strolled through town it occurred to me that we are really surrounded my such a great cloud of witnesses- people who pray for and encourage and help and believe and push and sacrifice to make sure we keep going. I’m not sure why our craziness has struck a cord with people but it seems to have done just that. People want us to be successful, they genuinely do. I stopped for just a second at Brookshire’s where Aleyna reminded me that I just had 3 miles to go and 3 miles is not much at all, that’s less that we do on our easiest days. That little bit of encouragement pushed me to run the majority of the remaining distance (except for the hill of death after the toll road). As I walked up that last hill I kept thinking, why have my #marathonmamas not given up on me and driven to pick me up? Why are they sitting in the air drinking Gatorade letting me suffer? Then I rounded the corner into the parking lot and there they were cheering  and videoing me as I struggled across the “finish line”. I hated them for not coming to get me but I loved them for it even more. They believed in me too, even though I was ridiculously slow and they waited there for me for forever, they weren’t letting me give up. They are also my great cloud of witnesses.

The Bible talks about how we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses that help enable us to run the race of faith. I am understanding more and more what that means In a personal way. I know it’s talking about all the people of faith that have gone before us and how that should be enough to empower us to keep going, knowing that we are not going it alone and we are not the first to have struggled down the roads of faith. If a horn honk, an encouraging text, a bottle of water, or genuine interest in our marathon plans can keep me going down the road and the Bible clearly draws a parallel between our faith and runnng a race it would be irresponsible to let the common threads go unnoticed. I’ve honestly been struggling in my spiritual life as well lately, barely stumbling along, tired and frustrated and discouraged, much like all my long runs go haha. But seriously it is just so hard to stay consistent and unwavering when church and life and everything in between is frustrating at very best. As I ran the last 3 ish miles yesterday I was so thankful for those people who helped me keep going and I began thinking about that verse-. Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.( Hebrews 12:1-2) What if our churches and families and friends really were a great cloud of witnesses  for us as far as our faith is concerned like all these people have become as we train for a marathon? What if we had people checking on us daily asking how things were going with Jesus? What if when people saw us struggling to keep going they stopped to help? What if people knew us well enough to even noticed we were struggling? What if we were honest with each other and instead of trying to look like we have our crap together we were just honest and real and unashamed of our real condition? Don’t get me wrong, I’m as guilty as anyone, I don’t often ask people how they Jesus time is going or what they are struggling with or what is challenging their faith. I don’t invade people’s faith lives without an invitation and even then I get distracted and impatient quickly. I should be part of a great cloud of witness for everyone around me, I should be cheering and encouraging and offering help and prayers every day. I should be willing to ask questions and sincerely want to invest in people’s lives no matter where they are on the road of faith. I also so desperately need a great cloud of witnesses investing in me. I need people to know me and see me and ask me how I really am. I need them to see me fail and push me to keep going and not take my excuses. I need people to let me be real and not just expect me to be a certain way because I happen to me married to some one who gets paid by a church. We struggle. We have stress. We are stupid. We are tired. We don’t know what the heck we are doing. We need people to speak truth over us when our ears are too overwhelmed to hear from God. We need those witnesses saying- I’ve been there and survived you can do this too. Or I see that you are walking when you should be running, I’m praying for you. Or I know you’re a hot mess, let’s do this together. As a runner I need that. As a mom I need that. As a wife I need that. As a teacher I need that. As a pastor’s wife I absolutely need that. If you have the opportunity to be part of some one’s cloud of witnesses, pushing them to keep their eyes on Jesus and run the race well, PLEASE do that! You have no idea how close that person may be to just giving up without your words and love and help. We cannot do this alone. And we were never meant to, let’s for real do life together and finish the race well! I am going to keep running. I am 10 of the 13 miles this week and even though that is short of the goal, it’s nothing to scoff at. Please keep encouraging and believe in us! Otherwise we won’t make it to race day! And I’m going to keep trying to figure out this faith journey! Please help me! And make me help you! 

Fear is a Liar

I don’t know what I’m writing about today. I just know I need to write. I’m hoping God kinda fleshes this out as I go. So be prepared for some incoherent ramblings. Saturday we ran from my house, 12 miles, to the other side of the next town. I did everything right the day before and morning of. I was ready. New shoes, plenty of protein, hydrated, well rested, the whole nine yards. The first 5 miles was great- I felt strong and happy to be running. We stopped for water and some sugar and I was eager to keep going. My cardio is getting to the point that after 6 ish miles I don’t have to concentrate on breathing because I’m barely breathing hard, I’m just cruising. I’m slower than everyone else but what’s new. Then about 10 miles in I just can’t anymore. My legs are done and my brain is screaming for me to walk. And I’m sad to say I gave into that temptation. I walk/ran (mostly walked) the last couple of miles. Everyone was waiting on my forever to get there so we could

head home. I was so embarrassed and frustrated with myself. I felt so discouraged,  this was my idea to start with, but I’m definitely the weakest link and honestly unsure if I can do 26.2 miles even if I had a million weeks to prepare (its 22 weeks until race day). Maybe I’m not mentally tough enough, maybe my legs aren’t made for this, maybe it’s not worth it. I was fighting tears and feeling so upset the rest of the day. I feel like I’m working as hard as everyone else but not seeing the results. It’s still such a struggle for me. My pride and competitive nature were so mad!! I wanted to think of any possible explanation (excuse) for my difficulty. Hadley had surgery, I’m stressed and sleep deprived. I’m older than my friends I train with. I teach closet classes at 4:00AM. I have fibromyalgia that makes me fatigued and in pain most of the time.  Both my feet have giant blisters. I have a lot on my plate. The list goes on and on. But those are all just big fat excuses. None of that is new and none of that makes it impossible for me to do what I set out to do. But when I’m 9.5 miles in and there’s no one in my ear telling me I can do this, my brain comes up with all the thousands of reasons it’s ok to give up. “You will do better next week” “Walking up one hill won’t hurt” “That pain in your thighs is intense” “You’ve lost a gallon of fluids already in sweat” “This is ridiculous why are you even attempting it?” So much doubt and fear and negativity. I try hard to will myself to think “You had 3 babies, you can do this” “2 more miles is nothing compared to what you’ve already done” “The feeling of accomplishment will far out weigh the pain your legs are feeling now, and they will feel better shortly anyway” “Your body was made for this, just keeping going” “Your friend Trey and countless others are working so hard physically and sacrificing so much to protect this country” “90 year old women run marathons” but it’s hard to keep those thoughts in front.

If we are being honest I guess I do this in regular life as well, I let myself make excuses and I settle for the results. For example the first 10 or so years of my marriage I let negative thoughts that steamed from my childhood override the truth I was experiencing. “If I can’t trust my own dad to love, cherish and be honest with me then I for sure can’t trust Tommy”. I let that color the way I saw, heard and reacted to everything, even though it wasn’t how things actually were at all, Tommy has never once given me a reason to doubt his faithfulness. Or how I’m now allowing myself to be distant from our church people (I know that’s a terrible thing for a pastor’s wife to admit) because in my experience church people are hurtful and heartless, especially to the staff they hire. My church people are literally the best of the best so I have no reason to let these negative thoughts take center stage, but it’s what I’m doing currently.

If I were guessing I’d say most people do this, we make excuses for ourselves and let negativity and fear rule our lives. Those who had hard childhoods might allow that to color the way they see their present day. Those who have experienced tragedy and loss might live in fear or be afraid to take a chance that could lead to further heart break. Those who’ve made mistakes might feel like they are a lost cause so why even try to make better choices in the future, thinking the damage has already been done. This is one of the main ways the devils keeps us from living the abundant life God promises us. He whispers these lies to us and we sink our teeth into them, refusing to hear truth. We feel damaged, screwed up, weak, incapable, tired, frustrated, worried, doubtful, cheated, uneasy, and so very scared. We probably don’t admit this to anyone, including ourselves, because, well our pride likes to hide any perceived shortcomings so people will think more highly of us. But that’s the devil too, he wants us to feel isolated, ashamed, alone, unworthy and embarrassed. God however wants us to be honest with each other and share our burdens. Negative thoughts and feelings are as much, if not more, of a burden than anything we physically suffer with. If we let people into our brains and hearts they can help us combat what’s consuming us. It’s hard and humbling but so worth it. We also need to be honest with God about these kinds of thoughts, He obviously knows everything before we tell Him, but talking to Him about it opens up the line of communication so He can begin cleaning this out and replacing the lies with His truths.

So I have a choice to make: I can let what happened Saturday snowball on me and bring me to the place where I will inevitably quit training and will forever be disappointed that I didn’t accomplish this hard task and mark it off my bucket list. OR I can be real about my struggles, talk to my #marathonmamas, and whoever else is not already sick of hearing me talk about running, and talk to God asking Him to replace the devil’s lies with His truths. If I do the latter, I’m sure I’ll still struggle, I’ll have good runs and bad runs, I’ll still have to fight the thoughts urging me to quit (and they still may even win occasionally) but I WILL NOT give up! I’ll keep pushing and working and sweating. We all have a choice to make, begin digging out of the fear or continue to drown in it. If I can share in your burdens I’d love the privilege of doing so, or call your mom or best friend or pastor. Don’t continue feeding yourself things that allow the fear and worry and negativity to grow- keep pushing, do hard things, keep going when you want to quit, give yourself the chance to surprise yourself with all you can do! Try again. And again. Tomorrow starts a new week of training. And it’s going to suck- but I want to get stronger and use my body and energy well, so I’m going to give it all I’ve got! Let live life that way too! The things we have to work the hardest for are sweetest in the end! If running a marathon was easy more than 1% of the population would do it. If staying faithfully married was easy, more than half of marriages wouldn’t end in divorce. If breaking the cycle of family issues or addiction was easy it wouldn’t be called a cycle. Life is really hard- we need God’s truth and light and help and encouragement to keep going.

🐢 Slow Down 🐢

As a runner the last things I want to do is slow down or worse stop mid run. I want to be fast and fit and impressive. But let’s be honest, after  running very far, I’m barely crawling along. Some days I can do 6 at a decent pace, other days 4 is a challenge. But always past 8 I’m not moving very fast and my goal becomes walk as little as possible and under no circumstances stop completely. I try to stay up with my friends as long as possible before I inevitably fall behind. Yesterday was an exceptionally hard run for me, maybe because I haven’t slept much since Hadley had surgery on Wednesday and I haven’t run since last Saturday. I don’t know, but after our water stop I was struggling. I have to talk to myself every run and tell my body to do what I say and not what it wants to do. Keep going. You can do this. Pick up your knees. Relax. Keep breathing. Yesterday’s run was no different, I was talking to myself and still struggling to keep going. My stomach was hurting, it was hot, I was tired and I needed a bathroom, so the goal changed. Keep moving and make it to the first open bathroom in Whitehouse haha! (It’s funny now, it was NOT funny then). I was forced to slow way down, unless I was willing to trudge off into the woods and take care of my business! As I walked down the highway, I was so mad, why did my stomach have to hurt on a Saturday? Then I heard the birds singing, I looked around and saw dozens of little song birds flying around over my head and out over a pond. I looked at the little pillar of sunlight coming through the sky full of clouds. I noticed that there were at least fifteen shades of green in the trees and grasses right around me. I saw the cows hiding under the trees and stomping through the pond to avoid the heat. I drive this stretch of road all the time and I’ve run this same path 4-5 times now and I’ve never noticed any of these things. I had to slow down even more than usual  to see what was around me. As much as I hated going slow and not feeling great about my run, I could be thankful for it because it really was beautiful. That’s how life is too, we go so fast that we are missing out on the beauty that is around us, the kids laughing or the wildflowers blooming, the crickets chirping or shooting stars. We take for granted all this and so much more, that is if we even see it at all! I’m thinking all of this as I’m walking slowly toward town, trying to spot a restroom that’s open so early in the morning, and wondering how much I’m missing during my every day life because my attention is averted, my brain is tired, my hands are busy and my feet are always moving. I’m thinking “oh what a lovely little blog post this will make, encouraging people to slow down and enjoy the little things.” Then God was like “I’ll see your things you notice when you slow down and raise ya a much more important revelation!” By now it was probably 7:30 so there were much more traffic that there had been earlier, I was being forced to run/walk on the shoulder instead of our preferred route in the middle of the lane. I was looking out toward the opposite shoulder listening to the birds when I noticed a turtle in the road. He had clearly just crawled up out of a nearby pond or riverbed, in fact he was still wet and muddy. He made it across the far shoulder and most of the east bound traffic’s lane. He was just inches from being run over several times in the moments right after I spotted him. He needed to get to the center stripe and then safely across the west bound traffic without getting crushed. Every time a car flew past he would quickly tuck his head and legs back into his shell. The cars were going so fast they probably had no idea there was even a turtle in the road. They weren’t try to scare him or hurt him, they were just going on about their lives. That’s when I decided that the least I could do what move him to the shoulder on my side of the street so he could safely go off into the woods. I waited until there was no one coming and I trotted over and picked him up. He was pretty big and it took both hands for the to grab him. For a split second I wondered what kind of turtle he was and if he would bite me and not let go until he hears thunder or something (I don’t know where I even got that, maybe from my grandma decades ago), but I didn’t have time to think it through much, there would be more cars and semi-trucks speeding toward us.l very soon. I quickly scooped him up and ran across and placed him safely to go on about his life. He was even muddier than he looked but I was already drenched in sweat so muddy hands were ok. As I sat him down, I thought about what might have happened to him if my stomach had cooperated and I had been running at my regular pace. The truth is even if I had noticed him I probably would not have stopped what I was doing to wait on cars and go save a turtle. That’s me in real life too, always going, always busy, always moving from one thing to the next. How much beauty am I missing out on? But more importantly how many people around me need something and I’m too preoccupied to notice? Crossing  the highway is hard for a turtle. Raising kids is hard for a single mom or dad. Staying married is hard for... well pretty much everyone. Applying for college and financial aid is hard for a first generation college student. Juggling everything is hard for the perfectionist. Staying afloat a especially hard for anyone who struggles with anxiety or depression or just has their hands way too full. Life is hard. We aren’t in heaven yet so there is just no way of getting around the highways that we have to cross. The turtle and I didn’t really have a lot of time to talk but I’d like that think he appreciated me saving him from getting crushed by huge wheels as he was just trying to live life. We can do the same thing for people we cross paths with. We can show kindness to the mom who can’t find her wallet in between the kids’ screaming in the store check out line. We can encourage and uplift those who are struggling to see their worth or that things will eventually get better. We can share what we have already learned the hard way, so that college kid or newly wed or new parent can be one step ahead of where they would be if we just sped on by. This takes time and energy and it requires us to SLOW DOWN. We aren’t used to this in our busy, self-focused lives, but I know personally I could use help crossing the road sometimes. And if I can help make some one else’s journey easier then it’s worth whatever forced me to slow down (even if it’s runner’s trots. Google it, it’s a real thing). We might get bit or dirty. We might be even later to wherever we are rushing to. We might have to do something we weren’t planning on doing. But if you were a turtle in the middle of the highway wouldn’t you be praying and begging with anyone who would listen for a helping hand? We are all the turtle at times and we are all in a position to help at times. Take help graciously when it’s offered. And slow down so you can notice those around you that are struggling and do what you can to make things a little easier for them.