I Quit

So as you know, I have been eating only 7 food choices (only eggs, whole wheat bread, chicken breast, spinach, avocados, apples and sweet potatoes) for the last 19 days.  My goal was to make it until the 22 of June, that is the day we are leaving to take the 6-12 graders to camp and I knew there was no way I could find enough of the right foods to survive in a college cafeteria/food court.  But I think that I am going to call it quits with only 2 1/2 days left.  The idea of not finishing what I started is upsetting but the truth that this experiment/fast was simply too much for me is infuriating.  So I think its time for a motives check.

Over the past few weeks God has taught me so much about how entitled, spoiled and wealthy I, along with most people I know, are.  We have everything we need and so much more, to the point that it is hard for us to draw the line between what is honestly a need and what is just a want.  We NEED food; we WANT something new every day with varied flavors and textures and it would be even better if it didn't take much work or time on our part to have such delicious options.  We NEED clothes; we WANT to look cute and be able to go weeks without doing laundry and have something for every occasion imaginable.  We NEED shelter; we WANT to have the nicest house on the block and to be the envy of our friends.  Our idea of need and that of a person in a third world country is a vast contrast.  I have been convicted that I need to be using my resources better and not hold anything tightly, but being willing to give it up for the good of others.

I have also learned a lot about my motives.  Sadly every morning I would step on the scale hoping for a little decrease from the day before, I mean I haven't had sugar, fat, snacks, red meat or anything considered junk in weeks, but I found myself frustrated when the number stayed the same.  Now wait a minute-  the point of this fast is NOT to lose weight!!! That is self serving and exactly the opposite of what a fast should be focused on.  And by the way, I gained half a pound in the last 3 weeks even with going to a challenging bootcamp 3 mornings a week, that is God's way of sifting out my motives I am sure. Motive fail number 1.  

Secondly I have learned that I am beyond stubborn (well actually I already knew that but I surprise even myself sometimes).  I am one of those people who decides to do something and then will die trying to make sure I do whatever it was I decided to do.  Sometimes that a good trait,  sometimes that is a motive that needs to be cleaned out of my heart.  The point of this food simplifying fast was to seek God and to learn about my ideas and habits relating to food.  The point was not to finish just to impress everyone with my strong will power.  Motive fail number 2.

For the last 5 or so days I have felt like crap.  I have had a headache, been super tired, unreasonably grouchy and just slow moving.  I figured this was a result of being a little anemic so I got some multivitamins that were high in iron in hopes of feeling ok enough to make it to Monday.  They didn't help as much as I hoped, in fact this morning I was 15 minutes late to bootcamp because I could NOT drag myself out of bed.  Then a few hours later I fell asleep reading.  I am on summer break and have nothing major going on this week, I should not be so tired. The people who see me every day or even just pretty regularly have been saying for over a week that maybe I just need some red meat, or maybe it's time to give up and eat regular food, but I didn't want to be a quitter and I for sure didn't want to put my comfort over seeking God. I have been very conflicted and almost too tired to think about it all. Yesterday I got several comments about how tired I look and seem.  And this morning I had bags under my eyes big enough to pack for all my summer travels.  Apparently I look as rough as I feel.  I just feel like if I am going to ask my ladies to do something I should not only do what they are doing but go the extra mile (or 15 days in this case). Is that because I want to be a good leader or because I am ultra competitive or even worse (I'm ashamed to even let this cross my mind much less let you read it) because I think I need to be better than everyone else?  I honestly can't even tell you what my motive is there but I know its at the very least laced with some of all of that.  Lets just call that motive fail 3-5.  

With all my failures and all my motives aside, I can't stop thinking about all those women around the world who do not, and never have had adequate nutrition and it breaks my heart to think of how hard it must be for them to make it through the day.  I am sure they are tired and weak and feeling sick, and yet they work hard to just survive and provide for those around them the best they can.  They may not even recognize that they don't feel well since they have likely always felt this way.  This is not ok.   This is not fair or right or something we can ignore.  If I feel so awful after 19 days with an unlimited supply of 7 very nutritious foods, I cannot imagine the state I would be in if I had to skip several meals a week or lived off only what I could grow myself or depended on rice and maybe beans as my main food source.  The truth is some one is dying of hunger related problems every 5 seconds.  Even if you are a speed reader several people have died as you read these words.  We have the money and resources and information to change this trend.  We can  sponsor a child through Compassion International, we can loan someone money to start a small business through Kiva, we can buy fair trade items and directly support the people who made those items, and we can be aware and explore other ways that we can help the hungry around the world. I can make a difference, you can make a difference.  We may only be able to make a small drop in the bucket but if we spread the word and build awareness, together we can save lives!
I can safely say I will not become a vegetarian anytime soon, but I will certainly be more aware of my desire for foods I don't need and how thankful I should be for the resources to provide adequate nutrition to myself and my family.  I will absolutely be fasting in the future because, above all, I have learned why it is an important spiritual discipline.  I pray that God will continue to teach me and stretch me and convict me and move me toward a life that is spent well loving Him and loving others like I love myself.  Now excuse me while I go find some red meat and!

Food, Fasting and Feasting on Truth

So, I am crazy (we established this in my last post so check that out if you're not so sure) and I have been eating only 7 food choices for 14 days now. That's breakfast, lunch and dinner- only a combination of eggs, apples, avocados, chicken breast, spinach, whole wheat bread (made by me) and sweet potatoes. This started out as a kind of obligatory thing since I ordered a Bible study for my ladies group without even reading it first, and I had to do what I was asking them to do. The plan was, I would simplify my food selection, better appreciate what I have afterwards and then be able to teach the lesson without feeling guilty. But it has morphed in the last two weeks. I have learned a lot about myself and my spoiled entitled tendencies.
I like food, in fact I can only think of three foods that I really, really don't like- chili (I had a very bad experience with canned turkey chili as a child, it's entirely possible that my step-mom actually fed me dog food with chili powder added, and lets just say I gave it back to her shortly there after), fruity or gummy candy (yet again I had a bad experience, but this time it was a case of car sickness not step mom sickness) and yogurt (I can choke it down, it just has a funky taste that I can get past, but there was no bad experience to blame this one on). Other than those three things I can literally eat, and enjoy, almost anything. I believe that God made food taste good and gave us taste buds so that we can enjoy it. This is one of those ways that He spoils us and gives us way more than necessary because He loves us. After the last couple weeks, I now believe that God made food for us NOT us for food. We are not intended to be driven by our desires, which includes what we want to eat. The past 14 days I have gone from super hungry and grouchy about not getting to have what I want to strangely less hungry for food and more able to feast on the truth of God. And I think I know why: this might not be a news flash to you and it honestly shouldn't be for me either but... wait for it... Jesus is really smart. No for real He is, and fasting has shown me one more way that that is true. I know I haven't been doing a true food-free fast, but I have been intentionally limiting myself and during those first few days as my stomach would start to rumble I would ask God to make me hungry for Him like my stomach thought it was hungry for food and He has honored that prayer and then one up-ed me.
I am convinced that our stomaches are very closely related to our hearts and minds. There is no quicker way to get some one's attention than to talk about food that they love. This is even obvious in babies and toddlers, they can't even think about anything else if they are hungry and they are very quick to let everyone in their world know about it. Think hangry, haha, you know you have been there, you can't even handle life until you get something in your belly. So by intentionally manipulating what my stomach is spoiled to, my whole self starts paying attention. At first this showed itself in grouchy, irrational, chocolate/coffee-craving ways, but as that wore off a clarity came over me. And no I'm not talking about a meditating with my legs crossed while making weird sounds clarity. I am talking about a clearer ability to be honest with myself and hear from God and let truths soak in. Jesus knew fasting would get our attention and loosen the world's grip on us long enough that we could better listen to Him. That is probably why He asks us to fast. In fact not only does He ask us to fast, He talks about fasting like it's something we are all doing. “When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full." Notice how He didn't say IF you fast, He said WHEN you fast. And when you are a little hungry and uncomfortable some how your ears work better.
For example, for a month or so, I have been reading in Luke. A few times I have read something that seemed new to me or that I felt like was very applicable to me, other than that it mostly seems like a repeat of things I have read a million times. But then insert fasting and all the sudden it seems like I am reading the same old words for the first time. One day this week I read "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches?" and this hit me like a ton of bricks. I have never considered my self to be wealthy, so it never occurred to me that this verse might apply to me. I have always thought we were barely making it, and to be honest we usually are, not because we don't have the resources we need to survive but because we are consumers and we buy more than we need. Compared to the rest of the world even my lower middle class family is at the top of the food chain. If I am among the wealthy then this verse is talking to me. If God can't trust me to make the absolute most of the things He has given me here then why should I be trusted with the greater things of God? Yikes!! Of course we all want God to trust us with His great things, I know I do, so I better get the wealth of this world that I'm entrusted with under His control. I better make sure that I am not wasting what He has given me on spoiling myself and my family.  Most of what we have we don't need, we just want it and if we have the money we simply get it.  That's not at all a good use of what God has entrusted us with.
I also read about the rich young ruler in Luke 18, before this week I just felt bad for the rich little brat, I mean how could he value his riches more than he valued following Jesus? Having a slightly hungry stomach changed my ears yet again, what if Jesus asks me to sale EVERYTHING and to follow Him to the ends of the Earth with no safety net? Honestly I might go away sad too! Our stuff acts as a safety net for us and we feel like we have something to fall back on if things don't work out. And there is nothing wrong with the stuff, the question is what's more important the stuff or the God who trusts us to steward it well.  God didn't leave us here to fill up our bellies and have nice things and live in comfort.  If He wanted us to have every good thing He would have just taken us on to Heaven.  He left us here to take care of "the least of these" and to sacrifice our comfort to provide for others.  I would much rather give more than I am even capable of giving in time and love and energy and money and resources, doing without here so when I get to Heaven my legacy will be evident there.
I have 7 more days in this semi-fast and then I will be simplifying in other areas like clothes, media, spending, possessions and stress, and I really hope that I can maintain this level of clarity and closeness with God.  Otherwise I may just have to give up sugar and coffee (and everything good) all together.  Jesus is so worth that sacrifice and much
much more.  Just please remind me of that if you seem me drooling over your plate.

  

Call Me Crazy (I Know A lot of People Already Do)

I'm so sick of avocados I could puke! And if I never eat another serving of dry, bland chicken breast that is ok with me!! But I'm getting ahead of my self.... Let me explain, and you will likely think I'm crazy but that's nothing new.

For the last few months I have been reading and researching a lot about the condition of the world and how people live in different places and what we can do to help (read my blog from last week for more info about that).  Along the way I read a book by a church plant pastor's wife, who I could really relate to. They too are trying to change the paradigm and lead their church to sacrifice self for the poor and needy of the world. The book was about how God rearanged their world and thinking and is teaching them a new way (which is really the very old, original way) to do this whole Christian life. Fast forward a few weeks and it was time for me to start thinking about a summer women's bible study so, I just picked one done by my new church-planter-least-of-these-lover friend (she doesn't know we are friends yet but she will one day!), called 7. From what I read it was about simplifying life in the spirit of a fast in order to realize how much we have and that most of that we don't actually need. I ordered 20 copies of it without even reading it so I was obligated to do it now! I decided to go ahead and read the book that the bible study came from and quickly realized I might have bit off more than I could chew, and that the ladies in the study were gonna kill me (and think I am crazier than they already do)! The book is all about simplifying life and reducing it down to what we absolutely need and asking God to speak to us there in those moments of less stuff and less distractions. It sounds so much easier and normal than it is. 

The first month is simplifying food. We are so spoiled as Americans and have so many choices and flavors and options available to us 24 hours a day. So she experimented by eating only 7 foods for a month! That sounded kind of challenging but I was already committed since I ordered the books and I can't ask my ladies to do something I'm not going to do so.... For the last week I have not eaten anything except chicken breast, eggs, sweet potatoes, spinach, whole wheat bread, apples and avocados.  NOthing else, no butter, no sugar, no seasoning other than salt and pepper, no chocolate and NO COFFEE!!!!

A few things have happened in the last week that surprised me. 1. I have realized how much I rely on food to change how I feel. If I'm stressed or unhappy I instanly want something sweet. If I'm sleepy I go for some coffee.  If we are celebrating any thing there is food involved and it's usually the focus.  This means I am using food for things I seriously doubt God intended it for.  I should not need Jesus AND coffee to start my day.  Jesus should be enough. Period. 2. I learned that a lot of the times I eat because something looks good, smells good or I know it tastes good, not because I am necessarily hungry. Now that I've eaten the same thing on repeat for days I'm far less interested in food.  I'm only eaten to get enough calories to survive and even that is a struggle.  Most people don't have the variety and volume of food available to them, so they are eating what's accessible to them so they can stay alive.  I am so spoiled that I take all I have for granted.  Which is true of the things of God too, I have known the love and forgiveness of God for many years.  After a while the stories are on repeat and the sermons all sounds similar (no offense to my preaching husband, that's my bad not his).  The things of God don't always look appealing and tasty, but they are honestly the only thing in this life that's worth anything.  Everything else is going to pass away, God's things are eternal and worth feasting on.  3.  Variety is desired.  This is probably the most eye opening.  If I get bored eating the same food and have to MAKE myself eat it, then I can reasonably apply this to my spiritual life as well. If I am simply going through the motions and doing the same thing every day, as far as reading and praying, etc, then it makes sense that I would be bored with that and not necessary craving it, but just doing it because I need to.  I need some variety in my routine with Jesus.  I need to change things up and learn and connect with him in different ways.  God is huge and creative, I should not be confining him to 40 minutes of reading and praying in the mornings and nothing else.  So I'm praying for some ideas.
I wish I could say I don't crave coffee and sugar and fat and honestly anything other than these 7 foods, but I  can't.  I wish I could tell you that I am so in tune with Jesus that even this cheating version of a fast has been a breeze, well I'd be lying because this is hard and it sucks and I am crazy, but I would do a lot of even crazier things if that meant I could connect with the creator in life
changing ways and become more of who he intends me to be.  He is so worth simplifying and sacrificing and rearranging everything for. So if I need to eat only 7 foods for the rest of my life if that is what it takes to deny myself, give to others and most importantly obey God in real ways even if that's counter cultural!! So call me crazy or crazier than you even thought before! "He must become greater, I must become less." John 3:30. Maybe we all need to find ways to be a little crazy for the cause of Jesus.   

It Should Make Us Sick

In Greek the word compassion is splagchnizomai which means to be moved in the inward parts, or in today's language, it makes us sick.  This is the same word used in Matthew 9:36, "When he (Jesus) saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." The state of the people Jesus encountered made him sick.  But he didn't stop with a stomach ache, it made him so sick that he was moved to do something about it.  


Over the last couple of months I have been talking to my church on Sunday's mornings during what we have named the Mission Moment.  Early this year I was praying one morning and thinking about the little girl we sponsor through Compassion International and I'm not even sure how my mental train proceeded from there but I starting thinking about unreached people groups (whole tribes, ethnicities, villages, etc that have never even had the opportunity to hear the good news of Jesus), poverty, orphans, and human trafficking victims.  And I really felt like God was telling me to "tell the people". So I mentioned it to Tommy and he said that he was actually hoping we would have something like that soon and was planning on asking me about it.  That was all the confirmation I needed.  So I have spent the last few months "telling the people" and in the process I have learned a ton about the condition of the world outside of my safe, stable little bubble. More than I wanted to know about things that I do NOT want to even have to think about. I don't like to think about millios of moms watching their kids go to bed hungry while we are throwing food away. Or about the crazy number of orphans in the world. Or about the millions of people who are born and then die and go to hell, having never been told about Jesus' love for them.  Or about little kids  as young as three who are being forced to work to supply rich consumers in America with makeup. Or about little girls the age of my girls being sold as sex slaves for $90 or less and then raped, sometimes many times a day, until they die alone. 
Honestly it's all just too much for me to handle. In fact I'm hiding in my room sobbing as I type this.  It's 2015 for goodness sakes, the these just shouldn't be true.  There are more slaves in the world today then ever before in history, an estimated 27 million.  There are 600 million kids living in extreme poverty-  on less than $1.25 a day.  There are almost 4,000 entire groups of people in the world who have no access to the Bible or to the knowledge of what Jesus did for them, that's over 3 billion people living with out hope.  Those numbers are staggering and heart breaking. It all literally makes me sick at my stomach, but maybe that's a good thing.  Maybe God intentionally made compassion to have a physical side effect so that we wouldn't be able to ignore it, or be too busy, or stick our heads in the sand.  Maybe once we know something terrible is happening God gives us that sick feeling so we, like Jesus was, will be moved with compassion to the point of action.  
When God asked me to "tell the people" I'm sure it was intended to be as much for me as it was for them. And I'm sure He knew it would make me sick.  And that I would shake "my fist at Heaven, and say, 'God, why don’t You do something?'"   Just like the Matthew West song says.  God's reply is likely just as the song states too, "He said, 'I did, I created you'".  God never meant for us to focus on ourselves or what's good and easy for us.  He planned for us to sacrifice self to show his love and forgiveness and hope to others.  He set the example by dying to redeem us and tells us "greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." (John 15:13). Laying down your entire life for some one sounds pretty drastic, but it makes it very clear that it shouldn't be about our needs and comforts but we should be living and giving and serving and laying ourselves down for the good of others.  This is hard stuff, this requires that we make some changes, changes in how we spend our money and time, changes in how we set goals, changes in how we view people and the conditions they live in, changes in just about every area.  He made us to do something. We are each different  by design and gifted in doing different things but the end goal remains the same, to love God and love people, no matter what.  That includes mean people, scary people, people who disagree with us, people who look and live  differently the we do, everyone.  Period. Matthews 22:39 say we are to "love our neighbor as ourselves". If something is good enough for me then it's good enough for everyone and I should be willing to do whatever I can to make sure they are taken care of.  
Please take some time and make yourself aware of the tragic conditions in the world and consider if YOU were the one starving, enslaved, homeless, hopeless, or headed for hell, would you understand why people are living in luxury watching you die outside their window? If it makes you sick to know how hard things are for so many people, praise God! He is using compassion to move you to action! We certainly can't change the entire world alone, but we can do so much if we join forces and take and stand, we can also make a world of difference by investing in the people right around us.  Find ways to help and serve and rearrange so that at the end of your life you will know you used everything you had to make the world a less tragic place to live.