I. Want. More.

    This is not what you think....this is a personal post about what God has been chiseling away at in me for the last year or so.... I think it  actually started years ago, maybe even when I felt my call to ministry but I was so young in my faith then and had so little experience with anything that I didn't even know what I was getting myself into (good thing I didn't or I would have tucked tail and ran the other way) much less what all that stirring of the Spirit to "something more" even meant.  So lets start there.
   When I was about 16ish I "accepted Jesus" or more appropriately described- Jesus confronted me in my desperate need for Him and I grabbed hold for dear life.  After that, I would read large chunks of the Bible (most of which I had no idea what meant) because I have always been starving for information and knowledge.  Good thing I am not a cat or my curiosity would have used up all nine of my lives before I even reached adulthood.  Anyway, I wanted to know everything and I had so many questions but alarmingly few people to answer them, and the people who seemed like they should have the answers were confusingly not like the words I was reading in the Bible.  This was perplexing to me to say the least.  It seemed like some one, anyone, should know more or do more or I don't know... just more.  Fast forward a couple years and by a strange sequence of events I found myself at a small Baptist University. I loved learning about the Bible from people who seemed like Christian giants to me and I was so encouraged to know that there were so many people there who were willing to follow God with their lives.  It was during this time that I was home one Sunday morning at my church,  and during the invitation at the end the preacher said the standard "If you wants to accept Jesus come forward now" spill that I had already heard enough times to memorize.  Then he went on to say that if anyone felt like God was calling them to any type of ministry that he would love to talk to them too.  That's when my feet took over and marched me right down that isle.  I literally did not even know what I was doing, but it didn't take long for me to be face to face with the preacher.  He is the same pastor who baptized me so he knew I had checked-off that box and was wondering why I was there to talk to him (I was wondering the same thing).  Then my mouth took the baton from my feet and raced forward.  I told him that I felt like God was asking me to do more with my life (this was the start of something because in the back of my mind I knew God MUST be calling all His followers to more because the Christianity and church that I had witnessed were alarmingly weak and self centered compared to God's word).  The pastor then asked me his scripted questions, "Is God calling you to missions? Or children's ministry?  Or to be a pastor's wife?  (please do not EVEN get me started on how much I have always hated the degree to which being a girl defines my capabilities in most people's eyes!!) All I could give him in way of an answer was, "I don't know."  He questioned me some more but quickly realized I had no clue what God was calling me to apart from "more".  This was the last time he asked me anything about said calling and he probably dismissed the whole thing since I did not have the answers to his questions that morning.  For me however, not having answers was not a stumbling block but a starting block.  (Remember that unquenchable curiosity I mentioned?) I soaked up everything I could get my hands on at school and quickly found myself in a place of ministry, with my soon-to-be husband, that I was in no way equipped for, but for some odd reason being ill-equipped did not scare me, I trusted God with my baby faith and knew that He was big enough to work in spite of me.  For the next several years, I struggled through growing and teaching and figuring out how to be a Christ follower and wife and mom and youth minister's wife, all the while moving in and out of so many broken and heart breaking churches. Long story short church has been hard on me from the start and apart from God's leading being so unshakable I would have given up on the whole thing a long time ago.  I just knew there was a need for "more'!
   Needless to say I do NOT fit the mold for a minister's wife (can I get an amen?) and since I never had a woman disciple me, I have always felt like I was a pioneer.  I am making this up as I go and trying my best to be faithful and godly in how I act and live.  There have been long stretches when I did not ever spend time with God.  I just couldn't figure it out and it seemed like no one could explain it to me, so  I learned everything by trial and error and error and more errors. I doubted a lot, and I mean a LOT!! I doubted my calling, I doubted my abilities, I doubted if I could even hear and obey God and I even doubted my salvation (on a a regular basis)!! Somehow through everything there was always in the back of my head, a longing for more, more for me and more for the people I am ministering to. I think I occasionally tapped into the more, goodness knows I tried, but even among Christians I felt like we were swimming up stream, going against mostly everything.
    So that brings us to the last year or so.  Since we are in the process of planting a new church we have had the freedom to evaluate why we do what we do as a church (and hopefully as individuals) and sift things out if they don't match up with the Bible.  This has been a wonderful, difficult, eye opening, exhausting process.  In the midst of that God is chiseling away at me and opening my eyes to long held beliefs that I really thought were biblical.  For example, "If we are obeying God, He will bless us." Right?  Or, "Things will work out and fall into place if they are meant to be." Makes sense huh?  How about, "God loves us and wants us to be healthy and comfortable and well taken care of"? It sounds true doesn't it?  We so badly want those things to be true, but what does the Bible say?  Well it says things like "The first will be last." and "those who do not give up EVERYTHING can not be my disciple" and "everyone will hate you because of me."  Not statements that make you feel all warm and fuzzy are they?  Maybe the things I hoped were true about Christianity were really just human additions meant to make us feel better about life.  Maybe it is not as warm and fuzzy and easy as I hoped.  This is when the Disney Channel started to really not sit well with me.  The kids on those shows all have the nicest things, usually aren't satisfied with what they have and are not super honest in what they do to get more things.  Is this a mind set I want my kids growing up with? Honestly balancing how much my kids want (or I want for them) with what they actually NEED is a struggle for me anyway.  When I realized I am supposed to be self sacrificing and counter-cultural for real, a lot of things started to not sit well with me.  (Please know this is all my personal conviction and I am not trying to come down on anyone.) Can I justify spending $60 plus a month on cable when that could provide food, basic needs and education for two children who are trapped in poverty?  Does my junior higher need a fancy phone when I could use that money for something else more helpful to others?  Do I really need a new car or can I keep driving this old one until it falls apart?  So many new questions started to arise in me and lots of those questions still remain.  What also remains is the question of how much am I willing to change when I get the answers to some of these questions?  Am I more in love with the American Dream Westernized Christianity or the real Jesus who didn't even a bed to sleep in?  Do I love my comfort or people? Do I love my image or am I willing to associate with people who might change how people see me?  How serious am I about being "a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God"?  And the honest answer is I am not even sure what the answer is to that yet, but I do know this is where the "more" is! In simplifying and sacrificing I find life so much more satisfying. Everything that Jesus teaches seems backwards and upside down, but I have to trust that He knows what He is doing in all things.  If my girls do not have the nicest things then I am doing them a favor.  If neighborhood kids eat us out of house and home, we are blessed.  If I have the opportunity to speak truth to anyone around me, what a privilege, even if I get dirty in the process.  Eureka!! The "more" has always been right outside my door!!
    So if we have to be a little odd, do things differently, and take some persecution (even from well meaning church folk) in the process then so be it! I am ready to really dig into what God is honestly asking of me and pushing me toward even if it costs me!  I do not want more things, more trash, more status, more power, more of anything but Jesus.  I am scared to death, but I have never been more hungry for the "more" I have always sensed was out there.