Seeds, Sprouts and Vines of Doubt

Over the last couple of days I have been having a hard time... I am not sure what triggered it, but I am begining to have my eyes opened to where it is coming from. So here goes one of the honest confessions of an imperfect pastor's wife.

I think that throughout my adult life I have been tucking somethings away in my heart and without really noticing I let these seeds sprout into a vine that is entangling my mind. For years now I have been pushing it down trying to keep myself under control, but these vines of distrust, fear and doubt have grown so big that any little disturbance and they are out of control, causing sleepless nights, irrational thinking and stomach aches. This has been one of those weeks when I am unstable.

Years ago when I married a man called to church work I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into, don't get me wrong, I would do it all again in a heart beat, I just wasn't prepared for the heartache that was to come. I was very young in my own faith, I didn't ever have anyone disciple me, and I did not even really know anyone in the ministry, especially not a girl. I have felt like I have been charting my own course, like a pioneer, from the very beginning of this journey. As early as the very first church that we served in at the young age of 20, we have seen youth's lives changed, students grow into adults who serve God, kids called to the ministry and have been blessed beyond measure to see God do amazing things in our lives and the lives of others. This continued through out the last 10 years as our ministry has been our life. But on the flip side of that we have experienced nice Christian people turn on us, stab us in the back and hurt us deeply in every church we have served in. Please know that I in no way think we are victims or that we are without blame in these situations, I know that we were at many times impatient, less than gentle and prideful. My husband is a painfully honest, passionate man who has only recently learned tack and diplomacy,and with his personality and conviction will always come conflict to some degree. And I don't blame him either, I don't blame anyone it is just life. All I am saying is that every time a church reacted negatively to us, another seed was planted in my heart or a huge pile of fertilizer was poured on the seeds that were already there. We have been a part of 7 churches in the last 10 years, which means we have packed up all we own and moved that many times, left friends that many times, wondered what God was doing that many times and started over that many times. More instances than not the decision to move was not in the best circumstances and well, let's just say we don't go back to visit! The amazing thing is that every time God has worked in all things for our good, just like He promised He would. The bad thing is that even though I trust God to keep doing that, I don't trust people to give Him much to work with. Let me give you a few examples of how crazy these vines have made me; my husband got the opportunity to preach Sunday night and he was presenting to the church some exciting changes that are coming in the youth ministry, sounds easy enough, but the whole time I was thinking about how someone could take what he is saying the wrong way or twist it and it will just be a matter of time before we are packing again. Irrational I know, the awesome people at our church love us and support us like none ever before, and have given me no reason not to trust them, it is just those stupid vines of distrust that I cannot seem to weed out. I have also become aware this week that I am terrible at making friends, real friends that I know and trust enough to let them know me. I am great at making acquaintances and hanging out with people, but I have a hard time with anything more. And when I do start to get close to some one it always comes with worry and fear. Worry that for some random reason they will change their mind about me, or worse throw me to the wolves. Now these people I am spending time with had nothing to do with my bad experiences and have never done anything other than be kind and friendly to me, it is again the vines, this time the vine of fear! I complicate every thing by thinking the worst possible scenario is unfolding, I stay up at night praying about problems that I invented and I end up giving up on friendships because I know that one day they will end anyway. I am crazy!

The most frustrating and infuriating thing about all of it is that I know what I would tell some one else if they came to me with similar problems. I would say read 1Peter 5:7, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." Romans 8:15, "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." Or maybe 1 Peter 3:14,"But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear ; do not be frightened." I would say read Philippians 4:7, Psalms 22, 1 Corinthians 13 or any number of other verses that I would instantly think to share. I know the answers, but for some reason I am only cool enough to talk about the solution not really implement it in my own heart. And that drives me crazy, making me feel like a hypocrite! How is it that I think I can help teenagers with fear or distrust or doubts when I have let the vines of those things take over in my life? I think that I should be past all of these kinds of problems, I should practice what I preach and give it all to God and move forward. I just don't know how I guess, that is a weak excuse at best, but seems to be all I can come up with.

I have however, discovered something else this week: I am prideful and I want to be able to weed my heart by myself but judging from the condition of things I am an awful gardener. I have got to take me out of the equation and just give it all to God. And to be honest, I do not even really know how to do that, except ask Him to show me the way. This process of God pulling the nasty vines out of my heart is not going to be easy or quick, there are many layers to work through before the soil of my heart will be free of weeds. I do have confidence that eventually the holes that remains after the weeds are gone will be loose and ready for God to plant His peace in. "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." (John 15:1-4) I want so much to remain in Jesus and in His thought and attitudes, allowing Him to be the gardener of my life, pruning these poisonous vines out of my heart and mind so I can be all He wants me to be. Please pray for surrender and humility for me as I learn to let God do His job.